


Piece by Piece

by zorac



Series: Echo Park - an anthology [15]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Karaoke, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sacrifice Chloe Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-18 18:18:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 77,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12393543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorac/pseuds/zorac
Summary: After sacrificing Chloe, Max has to try and piece together what happened during that week – and the remains of her life. Thankfully, she has some good friends to help her through that, and all the years to come.Ten years in the life of four young women from Blackwell; this story focuses on Max and Dana, the parallel storyFallin’ to Piecesfollows Victoria and Kate. Bonus scenes and epilogues will be found inMissing Pieces.





	1. Trying to Be Someone You’d Like to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I started writing this, I've added a second fic in the series. In theory, the two stories should stand alone, but they're intended to be read in parallel; I've linked a recommended reading order in the end notes of each chapter.

There’s an old science fiction show that I used to watch with my Dad back in Seattle. What just happened reminds me of a favorite quote that goes: ‘Greater love hath no man, than he lay down his life for his brother. Not for millions, not for glory, but for one person; alone, in the dark, where no-one will ever see or care.’ I can’t help but apply it to Chloe. Yes, she did it for more than just one person, but that wasn’t a sure thing. She demanded that I sacrifice her for the _chance_ of saving Arcadia Bay; that’s got to count for something. And, at the end, she was alone in the dark, and no-one will ever know what she did. No-one but me.

_I_ will never forget.

* * *

When I left the photograph of the bathroom, I found myself not up by the lighthouse, but back in my dorm room at Blackwell. A quick glance out of the window confirmed that the town was still standing, untouched by any mystical storm. Chloe’s sacrifice had not, I was relieved to see, been in vain. Of course, that did little to mitigate the pain I was feeling. I slumped onto the bed, curled up into a ball, and wept for my lost love until I had no more tears to shed.

I’d largely lost track of time, what with all the photo-hopping, and the storm darkening the sky, but I guessed it must be Friday evening – something a quick glance at my phone seemed to confirm; it wasn’t long after dinner. I realized that I had no idea what had happened over the last few days in this timeline. There must have been a doppelgänger Max taking my place, but I had no idea whether she had all my memories, or just those from before all this started. Presumably Nathan had been arrested, but had everything about him and Jefferson come out? Was Kate still at Blackwell? Was she even alive?

I got the answer to my last question almost straight away. There was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there was my tea-drinking friend. Like me, she was dressed in her pajamas. “Kate!” I pulled her into a hug. “You’re alright.”

“Of course.” She gently pushed me back, with a puzzled look on her face. “Were you expecting something to have happened to me in the few hours since you last saw me in class?”

“No, of course not, I just…” I trailed off, not sure how to explain my confusion.

Kate reached up and wiped an errant tear from my cheek. “I’m sorry, Max. You’ve been holding up so well this week, being so strong for everyone else, it’s easy to forget what _you_ went through. It was bound to catch up with you sooner or later.” She led me back into my room. “Sit yourself down; I’ll put the kettle on.”

“Thanks, Kate,” I told her, as I followed her suggestion and collapsed onto my bed. I sat quietly, trying to figure out how I could piece together what had gone on in this version of reality. I was sure that Kate could help me with that, but what reason could I give for not already knowing? The truth was, I would be the first to admit, more than a little hard to swallow. I could fake amnesia, but surely Kate would insist that I see a doctor… I was still musing on this when a hot drink was pressed into my hand.

“So, tell me what’s going on, Max,” said Kate. “Maybe I can help you.”

“I’m not sure how to explain,” I began, before being cut off by another knock at the door. “Dana?” I asked in surprise when I opened it.

“Er… yeah? You invited me over, Max. Movie night slash pajama party, remember?”

“Yes, of course,” I lied, not terribly convincingly. “Come on in, Kate’s already here.” Dana shot me another strange look, then went in and sat down next to Kate on the couch. I closed the door, then turned back to see the two of them staring at me. “So, movies? What do you want to watch?”

“You really don’t remember inviting us at all, so you?” asked Dana. “We were planning to watch _Blade Runner_ because it was Chloe’s favorite movie.”

“Of course I do, it’s just, after this week I…”

“Cut the crap, Max,” interrupted Kate. “It’s obvious that you don’t. Are you going to tell us what the heck’s going on?”

I sat down heavily on the bed. “I could, but I’m not sure it would help much. The truth is… more than a little unbelievable, and would probably leave you more worried about me than you are now.”

“Try us,” suggested Kate in a voice that brooked no argument.

“We’re not going to judge you,” added Dana. “Not after everything that’s happened this week.”

“That’s the problem,” I said, “I don’t know what’s happened this week.”

“You mean you don’t remember?” asked Kate, “Like, amnesia?”

“No.” I decided to take the plunge. “From the time Chloe got shot, until earlier this evening, I was in an alternate reality.”

“That’s going to need a little more explanation,” prompted Dana.

I nodded. “The first time I saw Chloe get shot, I discovered that I could rewind time.”

The two of them just stared at me for a moment. Eventually, Kate broke the silence. “So, you’re saying you can time travel? Like, that Doctor guy on TV?”

I shook my head. “Not any more, and it wasn’t like that; I could only go back a few minutes.”

“Still,” said Dana, “that does sound… kinda awesome?” she finished uncertainly.

“Not so much,” I told them bitterly. “Look if I’m going to get through this story, I need you to let me finish it without any interruptions. It’s going to be difficult to explain, and I’m not sure that if I stop, I’ll have the strength to carry on.”

“Okay,” said Kate as they both nodded at me.

I told them about what happened to me since that first vision in Jefferson’s class; not everything, just the highlights. The storm. Saving Chloe. Saving Kate. The Dark Room. Discovering the truth about Nathan, and Jefferson, and Rachel. How I caused the storm. How Chloe made me sacrifice her to save everyone. How I loved her.

By the time I reached the end of my tale, I was pretty choked up. My voice was hoarse, and there were tears streaming down my face. Kate came over and knelt on the floor in front of me. “It’s going to be okay,” she told me as she took my hands into her own. Dana climbed onto the bed, and wrapped her arms around me. The two of them simply held me for what felt like a long time.

“Thanks,” I told them eventually, “I guess I needed that.” 

“Any time,” said Dana, giving me a tight squeeze before returning to the couch with Kate.

“So, on a scale of one to ten, just how crazy do you think I am right now?” I asked them.

It was Kate who responded. “I don’t think you’re crazy at all. This week… it’s been like you were able to see the future; the story you told is no more implausible than any of the other explanations I’ve come up with.”

“Plus, it was way too detailed and specific to be something you just imagined,” added Dana.

“Well, that’s good to know,” I said, relieved. “So, can you fill me in on what I’ve missed in this timeline?”

“First things first,” said Kate with a grim smile, “Nathan and Jefferson are both locked up. Nathan was arrested right after he shot Chloe, obviously, and the police took Jefferson in for questioning later on Monday, based on what you told them. Presumably they found Rachel’s body and the Dark Room, because it was on the local news by Tuesday evening.”

“Well, that certainly confirms that my double had memories from the other timeline… but how are _you_ coping with all of that?”

“Much better than I was. You came to see me on Monday night and told me about what Nathan had done; I guess it was right after you got back from the police station. I wasn’t really sure I believed you until I saw the news online, but it must have helped because I certainly never got to the point where I actually tried to kill myself. After I was sure of the truth… mostly I was angry, but feeling a lot better about life. It probably helped that Victoria was hiding from me rather than the other way around.”

“That doesn’t sound like her.”

“You remember how tight she was with Nathan,” Dana reminded me, “and her crush on Jefferson wasn’t exactly subtle. Ever since the truth came out about them, she’s been avoiding pretty much everyone, even Taylor and Courtney.”

“I’m trying not to be too joyful about that,” muttered Kate, and I grinned at her.

“Anyway,” continued Dana, “the first time _we_ really talked was on Tuesday afternoon. Juliet had locked me in my room because she thought I’d been sexting with her boyfriend. Apparently you marched straight into Victoria’s room, dragged her out, and made her confess that it had just been her messing with Juliet because _she_ was jealous over Zach.”

“I remember that!” I interrupted excitedly, “except in my timeline that happened on Monday. Victoria wasn’t there, so I went snooping around her room, and found an email where she was bragging about it to Taylor.”

“Yeah, well, on Monday, Juliet was far too busy playing cub reporter around the police and medics, trying to get a story,” explained Dana. “I guess relationship drama got put on hold for a day. Anyway, after you’d set her straight we had a long talk, about what happened to Chloe, and about…” she quickly glanced sideways at Kate, “about… you know.” She looked at me pleadingly.

“I think so, yeah. Victoria isn’t the only person whose room I snooped around; it’s embarrassingly easy to do if you can just rewind when you get caught after looking in someone’s bin and finding…” Realizing why Dana had censored herself, I stopped before I mentioned the pregnancy test in front of Kate. “And that actually sounds really creepy when I say it out loud – I guess it’s true what they say about how power corrupts.”

“Well, regardless of what ‘snooping’ went on, you can’t imagine how much that conversation meant to me. I was in a really shitty place right then; I was feeling terrible about what I’d done, and at the same time I was getting ready to rebound from one guy to the next and maybe end up making the same mistakes… Having a friend to talk to – a real friend, one who actually cared – you have no idea how much that helped me.”

“Okay, enough,” said Kate. “Please stop talking around me like I’m a bomb that’s going to explode if you say the wrong thing. I may not be interested in gossip, but that doesn’t mean I don’t end up hearing some of it anyway. And, honestly, I could have a pretty good guess from the things you two _aren’t_ saying…”

We both looked at her in surprise, and then a few moments later, Dana’s eyes dropped to the floor. “I had an abortion,” she whispered at last.

Kate immediately pulled her into a hug. “And I’m sorry you had to go through that alone; I can’t imagine how scary and upsetting that must have been. If there’s anything you need, I’m here for you, okay? I’m not going to… thump you with bible and condemn you to hell.”

Dana managed a small laugh, although she was crying too. “Thanks, Kate, you’re so kind. And… I’m sorry, for making stupid assumptions about how you would react.”

“That’s okay. I do realize that probably the first word people would use to describe me is ‘Christian’, but that doesn’t mean I subscribe to every viewpoint of ‘the religious right’.” She said that last phrase with a strange mixture of bitterness and disdain. “My beliefs are my own, not just parroting some preacher or politician – and I’m not one to force them on anyone else. I believe that morality isn’t always black and white, and that we should never be quick to judge.”

Kate released Dana, and sat back. “When it comes to abortion… there are people who quote the Bible to support their view that life begins at conception, but I could also find quotes to support a view that life begins with a baby’s first breath. So, while I don’t think it’s something I could ever consider myself, and yes, if you’d talked to me before-hand, I would have tried to persuade you not to do it, I still support your choice. Ultimately, I don’t believe it’s any more ‘moral’ to force a woman to go through with an unwanted pregnancy.”

“You’re awesome, you know that, right?” I told Kate, and she blushed a little.

“I’m not sure what you mean. I just try to be the best person I can, and to help the people around me.” Kate shrugged. “I’m not sure what’s ‘awesome’ about that.”

“It’s awesome because far too many people aren’t like that, they’re just out for themselves,” explained Dana, “and because not many people put that much thought into their belief system and sense of morality.”

“Just take the compliment, Kate,” I suggested.

After a moment, she smiled shyly. “Thank-you. And thanks for being there for me this week. After our long talk on Monday, you stopped by for a chat every evening, making sure that I was okay – and letting me help you as well. For someone who’d seen her oldest friend murdered in front of her, you seemed to be doing far too well, and I was worried you were simply repressing everything.”

Fresh waves of grief shook me, and I found myself blinking back fresh tears. Seeing concern on my friends’ faces, I tried to reassure them. “I’m sorry, it’s just… for me, it’s only been a couple of hours since I saw Chloe die. And yet, because I’d seen it before, and knowing that Chloe chose to make that sacrifice, and after… everything else I’ve been through in the last five days, I just feel like…” I trailed off, before concluding in a pleading tone, “I loved her. I shouldn’t be this okay.”

“Oh, Max,” began Kate, “there’s no rulebook that says how you are or aren’t supposed to feel after someone you love dies. No-one is going to judge you on whether or not your grief is enough. You need to mourn Chloe in whatever way feels right to you.”

I managed a weak smile. “Thanks, Kate.”

“And we’ll both be there for you tomorrow,” said Dana. She must have seen my baffled look because she added, “at the funeral.”

“Um… I should probably tell you that you mentioned Joyce had asked you to say a few words about Chloe’s childhood,” Kate told me. I felt a brief flash of terror. Simply going to the funeral was something I wasn’t at all sure I was ready to face; the idea of speaking publicly… was something I would have to do. I couldn’t let Chloe down, even if I couldn’t talk about all the reasons why. I looked at my two friends; at least I wouldn’t have to do it alone.

“Thank-you, both of you. I was worried that I’d come back to this timeline without a single friend, instead a find that I have not one, but two great friends.” Sensing the beginning of an awkward silence, I hurried to fill it. “So… what else did I miss?”

“I can’t really thing of anything,” said Kate.

“The _End of the World_ party was cancelled,” added Dana, “so, yeah, things have been pretty quiet the last couple of days.”

“That’s good to know. So, do you guys still want to watch the movie? I could really do with getting my mind off things.”

“Sure,” replied Kate, as Dana nodded. I grabbed my laptop and, tossing the comforter to my friends, set it on the bed. I cued up _Blade Runner_ – the Director’s Cut, of course – then climbed onto the couch and squeezed myself in between Kate and Dana to watch.

I woke up just as the end credits were rolling. I’d obviously dozed off and somehow found myself curled up with my head in Dana’s lap, and my legs across Kate’s. The comforter was wrapped around me and tucked up under my chin. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said sleepily, “I guess I’m not much of a hostess right now.”

“That’s okay,” said Dana fondly, “you obviously needed the rest.”

“Still, you should probably head to bed,” said Kate as she stood up; then, yawning, “and it seems you’re not the only one.”

“’Night, Kate,” I told her, echoed a moment later by Dana.

“Goodnight,” she replied, then slipped out of the room.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed,” said Dana. She got up, and reached out her hands. I took them, and allowed her to pull me up, but my body responded sluggishly. We stumbled across the room, twisting, and both ended up on the bed in a tangle of limbs. For a few moments, we just lay there with the breath knocked out of us. My arms had instinctively gone around Dana as she fell, and I only moved them aside when she pushed herself up off me.

“Sorry about that,” she told me, looking mildly embarrassed. 

“No problem.” I vaguely missed the feeling of her weight pressed down on me, but quickly pushed that aside. Dana retrieved the comforter from the couch and gently laid it over me. I smiled up at her. “I don’t think anyone’s tucked me into bed since I was a little girl. Thanks for looking after me.”

“It’s the least I can do after all the support you’ve given me this week. Goodnight, Max.”

I closed my eyes and snuggled down into the bed. “’Night, Dana.” I’m not sure if I imagined it, but I could swear I felt a pair of lips brushing my forehead. A few moments later, I heard the door softly closing, and drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter One](/works/13286709/chapters/30404241) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_ if you started here, otherwise on to [Chapter Two](/works/12393543/chapters/28378788) of _Piece by Piece_.


	2. Nothing Ever Lasts Forever

Saturday was… difficult, and after the week I’d had, that was saying something. True to their word, Dana and Kate were there for me every step of the way, and it was their support that helped me keep it together. Well, almost. Talking about my childhood friend was every bit as painful as I’d expected, made all the more so because I had to separate those memories from the much more recent ones, and because I desperately wanted to tell the world about what Chloe had done for them, about the sacrifice she made.

Everything after that was a blur, seen through tears that wouldn’t seem to stop. Later, Kate told me that Joyce and I spent a good quarter hour just clinging together, sobbing into each others’ shoulders. Dana mentioned that she saw someone who looked like my description of Frank, hanging back in the distance with his dog. The only clear memory I do have is of an iridescent blue butterfly landing on the end of Chloe’s coffin; it looked exactly like the one I saw in the bathroom just before Nathan shot her. I’m pretty sure that it must be some sort of sign, but I’ve no idea of what. I just hope it means that, wherever she is, Chloe’s okay.

* * *

The darkness outside told me that it was evening by the time I really came back to my senses. I rolled over on my bed and saw that Kate was curled up on the couch with her sketch pad; she glanced up and gave me a small smile. “How are you feeling, Max?”

I gave that some thought, and discovered an answer that surprised me. “Better, actually. It’s as if there’s been this tightness in my chest all week, and it’s gone now. Like, somehow all those tears have washed some of the pain away.”

“I’m happy to hear that. One of the reasons we have funerals is to help us move on with the grieving process; I’m glad this one seems to have done that for you.” She looked back down at her pad. “Sorry, do you mind if I finish this sketch? I don’t want to lose my rhythm.”

“Of course,” I told her. I know how focused I get when I’m trying to set up a shot; any interruption can completely throw me off. I lay back and stared up at the ceiling, trying to piece together my feelings. I decided that Kate was probably right about me moving through the stages of grief. I couldn’t remember exactly what they were, but I had a strong suspicion that I’d already been through most of them that week. I wondered if what I was feeling was ‘acceptance’ – that’s the last stage, right?

“Okay,” said Kate a few minutes later, “I’m done.” I sat up in bed as she carefully tore the sheet out of her sketchpad and held it out to me. “This is for you.” I took the paper, and my breath hitched as I looked at it. I was a beautiful pencil drawing of Chloe and me in our pirate outfits, except that we weren’t young teens. The two of us were fully grown, and there was blue hair showing beneath Chloe’s jaunty tricorn. Her arm was around my shoulder, mine was around her back, and we were both grinning; we looked like a happy couple.

“This… this is incredible, Kate,” I told her. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I wanted to give you something to remember Chloe by. It’s not too much is it?” she adds nervously. “You told us how you felt about her, and I wanted to let that show, but now I’m worried that it’s just another reminder of what you’ve lost, and…”

“No, it’s perfect,” I interrupted. “The last thing Chloe said to me was not to forget about her. That means not forgetting about any of it, no matter how it makes me feel. This is a beautiful reminder that I can hang on my wall to keep Chloe with me forever.”

Kate ducked her head, clearly embarrassed by the praise. “It’s just a sketch,” she muttered.

“No,” I told her firmly, “it’s Art; a genuine Kate Marsh original.” I held it up admiringly. “This picture will be worth a fortune someday, but I am never, ever going to part with it.”

Kate was blushing furiously as she looked back up at me, but I could tell she was pleased, despite herself. “Thanks, Max. It’s nice to have someone believe in me, even if you are full of… undue optimism.” I sniggered at her narrowly-avoided swearing. “Look, I need to go soon, are you going to be alright?”

I smiled at her. “Yeah, I think so. Thanks for looking after me, Kate, and thanks again for this wonderful picture.”

“You’re very welcome,” she told me. “Goodnight, Max.”

“’Night, Kate. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She left, but a couple of minutes later there came a knock at the door. I glanced around the room to see if she’d left anything obvious behind, before opening the door.

“Hey, Max,” said Dana.

“Oh… hi.” A sneaking suspicion came over me. “Did you and Kate plan this?”

She had the good grace to look a little embarrassed. “Maybe. We care about you, and just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

I smiled at her. “Come on in. You should see what Kate drew for me.”

Dana admired the art for a minute, then produced a DVD. “So, I was hoping to interest you in another movie night. Something to help get your mind off things.”

“ _The Shawshank Redemption_? I’ve never seen it, but I know it’s one of the top-ranked movies on IMDb.”

“And deservedly so. It’s a long, slow-burning character drama; it might not be a terribly happy story, but there’s one thing it does have: hope. I think that’s something we could do with right now.”

“You’re not wrong about that, and I could certainly use the distraction.” I got my laptop set up and slid in the DVD, the lounged on the couch next to Dana to watch the movie. A few minutes later I sprung back up, hyperventilating, and slammed the lid of the laptop down.

“What the fuck, Dana?” She looked up at me in surprise and alarm. “The guy’s wife gets shot and now he’s getting punished for it? What, you though I wasn’t going to make the connection? That I don’t feel enough like shit already?”

“I’m sorry, Max.” Tears were streaming down her face. “I swear, I hadn’t even considered the parallel between you and Andy. I would _never_ want to hurt you like that.”

I saw the expression of anguish on her face, and my anger melted away as quickly as it had appeared. My shoulders slumped, and then I sat back down and put an arm around my distraught friend. “God, Dana, I am _so_ sorry. I have no idea what came over me. You’re trying to do something nice for me, and I just blew up at you for no reason.”

“S’okay Max,” she mumbled into my shoulder. I sat back so that we could see each other properly. “I know that you have a lot to process after everything you’ve been through.”

I shook my head. “That’s no excuse for taking it out on you. You’re my friend; you deserve better.” Reaching out, I wiped the tears from her cheeks.

“Apology accepted,” said Dana with a small smile.

“Thank-you. I’m really not sure why I overreacted like that; it’s a fairly weak connection, to be honest. I _would_ still like to watch the rest of the movie if you’re okay with that.”

“Of course, that’s why I brought it.” Sensing that she really didn’t want to make a big deal of what happened, I got up and restarted the movie.

A couple of hours later, I was trying – and failing – to blink back tears as the story reached its conclusion. We were bundled up under the comforter, and somewhere along the line Dana had ended up leaning against me with her head resting on my shoulder. It felt nice to have a bit of human contact, and I was sad it was about to end.

“Thanks for bringing this over,” I told Dana as the credits rolled over the Pacific. “It really is a great movie.”

“I’m glad you liked it,” she replied, rolling her neck as she sat back up. “Question is, did it help?”

I stared blankly at my Memorial Wall for a few moments before answering. “Yeah, I think it did. I think it helped me to find a little perspective. I may have been through some awful things, but it’s not like I’ve lost my wife and then spent twenty years in jail for a crime I didn’t commit. If, after all that, Andy could still find hope, surely I can too.”

Dana smiled at me, looking relieved. “That’s good. I was worried after…” she trailed off, clearly not wanting to bring up my earlier outburst. Taking my cue from her, I did the same.

“Chloe wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of her life mourning her. A respectable amount of time, sure… but I’m not sure she even thought she was worth that, though,” I added sadly. “Still, I may have lost my old best friend, but I think I may have gained two new ones.”

“I think you might be right about that,” said Dana softly. We just sat there for a few moments before she continued, “anyway, seeing as it looks like you don’t need me to tuck you in tonight, I should probably head to bed.”

Remembering something, I put on a teasing tone. “Awww, but I was looking forward to my goodnight kiss!”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” said Dana awkwardly. “Before I came to Blackwell, I used to put my baby sister to bed every night; I still do during the vacations. So, yeah, the kiss on the forehead was just habit.”

“Okay, that’s kinda adorable. How old is she?”

“She’ll be ten just before Christmas.”

“You miss her very much, don’t you?” I could tell from the look on her face.

“Every day. Leaving her behind to come here was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I had to get out of that house. My mother and I have never gotten on – she had postpartum depression after I was born, so she never properly bonded with me. Once I got into my teens, her passive-aggressive streak just got worse, and then we started having screaming rows as well. Dad was always apologizing for her, but he never did a damn thing about it. Eventually I dreaded going home altogether; if it wasn’t for Dot, I might well have just run away.”

“And then I got the scholarship to Blackwell, and I had this opportunity to escape from that life. For all her faults, Mom was never anything but kind and gentle with my sister, so I convinced myself that me leaving was the best thing for Dot, so she wouldn’t have to grow up seeing what our mother’s like with me there all the time.”

“Doesn’t she miss her big sister, though?”

“Yeah, but we Skype all the time, and she gets to see me on the holidays.” Dana stood up, and stretched. “Anyway, I really need to head to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I got up, and impulsively gave her a quick hug. “Okay, ’night Dana. Thanks for looking after me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Three](/works/12393543/chapters/28692152) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> It may be a little while before I post more of this; I’ve not quite figured out the ending yet. There are probably a couple of chapters left, but it may end up being one long one — I don’t _think_ it will end up being more than that…


	3. Like Flowers in this Vase, Together

Over the days and weeks that followed, I spent a lot of time with my two friends. I had regular tea dates with Kate, while Dana and I settled into a routine of having movie nights a few times a week. Slowly, the pain began to fade, and instead of Chloe’s absence being a yawning void in my life, she became someone I could remember with a smile – if still the occasional crying jag.

It took me a long time to realize that something else had changed from the other timeline. I remember her budding relationship with Trevor, but this Dana had remained resolutely single. I finally got around to asking her about it after our latest movie night. At first she avoided the question, but eventually, she answered me.

“I’m not sure what to tell you, Max.” She leaned back on the couch, and looked across at me. “I mean, if you say I was dating him in that other timeline, then of course I believe you. I can actually see it happening, if things had turned it differently. But, they didn’t, and I’m interested in someone else.”

“Oh really? Please, tell me more. How long has this been going on.”

“Um… a few weeks.”

“And you didn’t tell me before?”

“There’s nothing to tell, Max. It’s just a stupid crush. This person’s been through… let’s just say _their_ last crush ended really, really badly; I don’t think they’re going to be interested in _anyone_ right now, least of all me.”

“Hey, don’t put yourself down like that.” I got up from the bed and sat next to Dana on the couch, taking her hand. “Whoever this person is, they would be lucky to have you.” I’d picked up on her pronoun choice, so after a moment’s hesitation I added, “is it that you’re not sure if she’s interested in girls?”

She managed a small, rueful laugh. “No, it’s not that. I know she likes girls; or, at least, she liked _a_ girl.” She paused for a moment. “I think perhaps it’s because the friendship we already have is too precious for me to risk it in the hope of something more.”

Suddenly, I put it all together. The things Dana just said, how intensely our friendship had blossomed, how physically affectionate she’d been with me – and how much I’d come to need it. “What if,” I began slowly, “it was more than just hope? What if the death of the girl she loved is something she’s beginning to get past? What if… maybe I’m beginning to feel the same way about you?”

Dana’s eyes widened, and she just stared at me for a moment. “Well, that would change things, then. If that were the case, then I might be brave enough to do this.” She leaned in towards me, and I started moving to meet her when our lips met in a gentle kiss. It felt wonderful; I parted my lips slightly to deepen the kiss, and then…

_WHAM_. I was back up by the lighthouse kissing Chloe. The storm was raging behind us, and I was desperately trying to make it last because I knew that in a few moments I would have to say goodbye to her forever…

I crashed back into the present, flailing and hyperventilating. Dana immediately jumped back, looking stricken. “Oh, God, Max, I am _so_ sorry…” she stammered, before fleeing the room. I was badly shaken, so it was far too late by the time I called after her. I stumbled to the door just in time to see her disappearing out of the far end of the corridor, and by the time I made it outside Dana was gone. Damn her long, gorgeous legs. I sat heavily on the dorm building steps, letting out a long stream of colorful profanity between deep, gulping breaths.

“Well, if it isn’t the pixie hipster. What happened to _you_?” Victoria Chase. Just what I needed.

“Dana…” was all I could manage.

“Oh, so you’re the reason she was running away like a cheetah on steroids. What did you do, try to kiss her?”

It was like a verbal slap to the face that jerked me back to my senses. “Fuck off, Victoria!” I hissed at her, with all the venom I could muster. It worked, because she actually took a step backwards.

“Shit. Max, I’m sorry…” she almost seemed to shrink before my eyes, and then scurried past me and into the building without another word.

My elation at the small victory was short-lived, when I remembered what had taken me outside in the first place. Dana was out there somewhere, seriously upset. I didn’t _think_ she was likely to do anything drastic, but I badly needed to talk to her. That thought had me racing back inside to grab my phone. I got back to my room and found it – sitting on the couch, right next to Dana’s. I swore again, and felt the panic beginning to rise.

I went back out into the corridor and headed toward Kate’s room, then hesitated; it was after midnight, she would probably already be asleep. I glanced around, and in the dimness I could see that Victoria’s door was the only one with a thin strip of light visible beneath it. Cursing, I stood there, paralyzed by fear and indecision. Then, I took a deep breath, stepped forward, and knocked.

Long seconds passed before the door opened a crack and a sleep-tousled head appeared. “Max?” asked Kate. “Are you okay?” I shook my head. She opened the door fully, and then gently pulled me into her room, and into a hug. At once, I felt myself calming. Kate prodded me in the direction of her couch, before shutting the door and sitting down next to me. “What happened?”

“Dana kissed me.”

“Well,” said Kate with the faintest hint of a smile, “it’s about time… but I was expecting you to be rather happier about it.”

“I was… right up to the point where it triggered a flashback.”

“Oh, Max, I’m so sorry. Why don’t you talk me through it, and I’m sure we’ll figure out what to do.” Somehow, Kate always knew the right thing to say. I took a deep breath and told her everything.

“I’m really worried about her, Kate,” I concluded, “the look on her face… it was like I’d just told her she’d done something terrible. What if I’ve destroyed our friendship, never mind… whatever it was becoming? What if I’ve emotionally scarred her for life? What if…” I was spiraling down again, but Kate pulled me back once more.

“Stop that, Max. None of this is your fault. I’m sure Dana will be fine. She’s probably scared and confused, and worried that she’s done something to hurt you. She just needs some time and space to process what happened. I’m sure you’ll be able to talk to her in the morning.”

“You really think so?” I was clinging to the thread of hope she was offering me.

“Of course. Dana has a good head on her shoulders. She’s not going to do anything stupid, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She held up her hand to forestall me. “I know I did, in that other timeline, but that was after much more provocation than this. Go get some sleep,” she suggested, “there’s nothing else you can do.”

Slowly, I nodded at her. “Thanks, Kate, I owe you one. And I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t be,” she said, “I’m always here for you.” She gave me another brief hug, then pushed me towards the door. “Goodnight, Max.”

“’Night, Kate.”

Back in the corridor, I took a couple of steps towards my room, then stopped and walked over to Dana’s. I knocked softly, but there was no response. Nervously, I tried the handle and the door opened. I stepped inside and looked around: no Dana. Okay, I would wait for her. My eyes darted between the bed and the couch. I was tired, so I might as well lie down; surely Dana wouldn’t mind. Besides, I needed to rest my eyes, just for a few moments…

* * *

I came awake to find someone gently shaking me. “Max?” came a woman’s voice. Blearily, I opened my eyes, and the figure standing over me came into focus, a look of concern on her face.

“Dana! You’re alright!” I practically threw myself at Dana and pulled her into a fierce hug, only to find her icy cold. “You’re freezing!” I rubbed her bare arms vigorously. “How long were you out there?”

“I’m fine, Max,” Dana told me. She seemed both puzzled and relieved to find me in her room. We both sat down on the bed, and I took her hand.

“I was so worried about you after you ran off like that. I tried to chase after you so I could explain, but… ugh, I’m so unfit.”

“It’s okay, Max, you don’t need to explain. I am _so_ sorry. Obviously I misunderstood something, and overstepped the bounds of… I hope we can still be friends, and I promise, that will never happen again.”

“It had better!” I told her, not happy with the turn the conversation was taking. Then, impulsively, I leaned over and kissed Dana, ever so briefly.

She started at me, blinking slowly. “I’m confused,” she told me, although that much was evident from the expression on her face. “When you… I thought…”

“I am so, so sorry about that. I promise you, it had _nothing_ to do with not wanting you to kiss me, even if it was something I’d only just realized that I want too.”

“Then… what?”

“I… I had a flashback.” Haltingly, I went on to explain, and told her about my conversation with Kate. “This isn’t about you, I promise. I guess I was just a little too optimistic about having worked through everything. I do very much want to be… to be your girlfriend, if that’s something you’re interested it.”

The smile lit up her face like the sun. “That’s something I’d be very interested in.”

“Awesome! If we could just… take things really slowly on the physical stuff. I’m sorry, I know you’re not… you know… like I am.”

“Just because I’m not a virgin, doesn’t mean I expect my relationships to go from zero to sex in three dates. I waited weeks simply to tell you that I have a crush on you; I’ll happily wait as long as it takes for you to be comfortable with us being more physical.”

“It’s not about being comfortable, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem; It’s about not having another…”

“Of course, I’m sorry.” Dana held up a hand to cover her mouth as she yawned. “We should talk about this more tomorrow, but right now, I think I need to get some sleep.”

“Well, then, allow me!” I stood up, and lifted the covers to allow Dana to get underneath, then tucked her in – just as she’d done for me back when this all began.

“So…” Dana looked up at me impishly. “Do I get _my_ goodnight kiss?”

“Not just one,” I told her. I didn’t want to risk another flashback, so I peppered her with multiple brief kisses rather than one long one. Her face still felt icy under my hand, and I could feel her shivering. “You’re still so cold…”

“I’m sure I’ll warm up soon,” Dana told me. I took a deep breath then, before I could second-guess myself, I slipped under the covers and wrapped myself around her. “Is this okay?” I whispered in her ear. After a moment, her initial stiffness faded away and she melted into me, an arm finding its way around my back and holding me tightly.

“Mmmmm…” came the sleepy response. I smiled, and allowed myself to drift off.

* * *

I woke the next morning warm and content. Dana and I were still tangled together, and from her slow breathing I could tell that she was still asleep. For the first time since Chloe’s death, I felt genuinely and unconditionally happy. I wanted that moment to last forever. So, of course, there was a knock at the door. Dana didn’t stir, and I was debating the merits of answering myself when, “Dana? Are you there?” Kate’s voice.

That decided it. I extracted myself from the bed, and opened the door. “Morning, Kate.”

“Max? Is Dana okay?”

“Sleeping like a baby.”

“Were you here all night?” Her tone of voice was impossible to read.

“Um, yeah. I decided to wait for her to come back instead of going to my room. When she did, she’d been out for hours in nothing more than sleeveless pajamas. I just wanted to warm her up, but I guess we fell asleep…”

Kate smiled at me. “So you worked things out, then?” I nodded. “I’m happy for you, both of you. You deserve this after everything you’ve been through.”

“What about you, Kate? Are you happy?”

She nodded. “I am. I have a couple of really great friends; maybe someday I’ll want something more, but friendship is enough for me right now. I’ll see you later; say ‘hi’ to Dana for me, okay?”

“Will do, and… thanks for everything, Kate.”

“You’re very welcome, Max.”

Not really sure how appropriate it would be to climb back into bed, I elected to grab my phone and curl up on the couch while I waited for Dana to wake. It was only a few minutes before I heard a mumbled “Max?” I went over and knelt next to the head of the bed.

“Hey, Dana, how are you feeling?”

“Warm,” she said with a smile. “I had this dream where you were cuddled up with me like a human hot-water bottle.”

“That wasn’t a dream,” I told her, grinning.

“Ohh…” she sounded pleasantly surprised. “Then what are you doing out there?”

“Kate came round to check on you, and I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Bless her; I hope she wasn’t too scandalized to find you in here.”

“Not at all, I think she’s a little more broad-minded than we give her credit for. She may be president of the abstinence club, but she seems to be pretty accepting of the fact that it’s not for everyone.”

“So… we don’t need to worry about losing her friendship if you give me a good morning kiss?”

I leaned forward and briefly kissed her. “No, I think we’re safe.”

Dana yawned. “What time is it?”

I checked my phone, and grimaced. “About five minutes past we-really-need-to-get-up-now-or-we’re-going-to-be-late-for-class.”

“Damn. I guess we should do that, then, but we need to find some time tonight to talk about this.”

I nodded. “It’s a date.” I gave Dana another quick kiss, then got up and headed out the door, nearly colliding with someone as I did. “Not a fucking word, Victoria,” I told her, then stomped back to my room, a little of the shine gone from my morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Four](/works/12393543/chapters/28919049) of _Piece by Piece_.


	4. Thinking About New Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a couple of chapters ago I said there was maybe one or two chapters left. Clearly I was wrong, so I’m not going speculate on how much more of this story there is to go…

I’d just sat down to have lunch with Dana – the first chance we’d had to spend any time together since we got up – when I saw Victoria coming towards us. I directed a death glare at her, but she simply shrugged it off and came right up to our table. “Er, hi. Could I sit here for a moment? There’s something I need to say to you.”

I simply looked in surprise at this new, nervous Victoria, so it was Dana who invited her to join us. “Sure, Vic, what’s up?”

She pulled up a chair and sat down. “I… I owe you guys an apology. Mostly Maxine, but I guess it’s about you too.”

“Wait… didn’t I see you last night?” Dana turns to me. “Max, what did she do you?”

I was struggling to find words, so Victoria beat me to it. “I suggested that the reason you were running away was because Maxine tried to kiss you. It was a cheap shot, but I guess it was a little to close to whatever _was_ going on, because Maxine practically bit my head off. I’m sorry, I really am. I’m trying to change, but the bitchiness just comes out before I have the chance to think.” It actually seemed like she was close to tears. “I know my behavior towards people like you and Kate was bullying, pure and simple, and I…” She wiped an eye, and got up. “Sorry, Max; I should go.” Turning, she all but ran from the cafeteria.

Dana watched her go, then turned back to me. “Well, that was super-weird. Is Vic actually growing a conscience?”

“I suppose it’s possible,” I said doubtfully, “but Kate should really be the first person on her apology list if that’s the case. Still, it doesn’t seem like she’s been spreading around what she saw last night, or that she caught me coming out of your room this morning.”

“Well, it’s not like she’s actually talking to anyone at the moment,” Dana pointed out.

“True,” I conceded. “Anyway, we’re not here to talk about Victoria Chase. We’re here to talk about us.”

Dana’s face lit up. “Us – I like the sound of that, but…” A little bit of doubt crept into her voice. “Are you sure about this? I may have been crushing on you for a while now, but it did kinda seem like this came out of nowhere for you yesterday.”

I sat back. This was a time for honesty, not simple reassurances. “You’re right, it did. I was so busy grieving for Chloe that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. This incredible, gorgeous woman had become one of my best friends, but I hadn’t realized that there was more to it, how much I’d come to crave those little bits of physical affection you gave me. Still, let’s take thing slowly, give me some time to be sure of my feelings. I don’t want to end up hurting you because this turns out to be some temporary rebound latch-on thing.”

“I think it’s already a bit late to avoid that; I’ll just hope it doesn’t happen. And while we’re being honest, I was all about the boys before this, so there’s a chance we find out that, nope, I’m not that into girls after all…”

“So, with all that, and my flashbacks, we have plenty of reasons to take things slowly, but I still want to give this a shot.”

“Me too,” Dana told me, reaching across the table to take my hand. The fact that such a simple touch warmed me was all the convincing I needed.

“We should totally go on a date,” I told her. “Nothing fancy; simply doing something together as a couple, rather than just as friends.”

“How about dinner at the Two Whales? We can’t get much more comfortable and familiar than that.”

“That sounds perfect,” I told her, just as the bell rang to summon us back to class.

* * *

I was a bundle of nerves as we sat together on the bus into town. Eventually I broke the weird silence because surely even my inane babble had to be better than that. “So this is my first ever date,” I told Dana, “and I’m hella nervous because I really don’t want to fuck it up.”

She bumped shoulders with me. “Don’t worry, I’m nervous too. It’s my first date with a girl.” She stopped to think for a moment. “And considering how my relationships with guys mostly involved hanging out at parties, or in each others’ rooms, I’ve not really been on what you might call a proper ‘first date’ before either.”

I managed a smile. “I guess that makes me feel a little better, then.”

Dana slipped her hand into mine. “There’s really nothing to worry about.” The feel of her thumb idly tracing the back of my knuckles calmed me – and excited me. I blushed a little; the physical attraction was certainly there. Add that to how close we’d become and I realized that Dana was right. Sure, we may have some issues, but they weren’t with each other, and we could work through them together.

As we went into the diner, I immediately spotted a familiar face behind the counter. I felt a brief flash of guilt; I hadn’t made any effort to see her since Chloe’s funeral. “Hi, Joyce. How’s it going?”

“I’ve been better – but I’ve also been worse. Sometimes I can even get through a whole day without bursting into tears. It’s good to see you again Max, and… Dana, is it?” She handed us menus. “Why don’t you two go sit down, I’ll be over for your order in a couple of minutes.”

We grabbed one of the booths and discussed our dining options. Eventually we settled on burgers, fries, and shakes. “We’re on a date,” Dana said with a smile, “we should keep it classy.”

I laughed. “So, what else should I know about this whole ‘dating’ thing?”

“Well, I’m definitely going to be expecting a goodnight kiss.”

“That’s good to know, although I was planning on giving you several anyway.”

“The guy is supposed to be all misogynistic and insist on paying.”

“Hmmm. That could be problematic given the lack of Y chromosomes on this date. I guess we’ll just have to split the bill.”

“And on the third date, you totally have to sleep with me.”

“Well, technically, I already did that last night.” 

Dana laughed. “Good point. Besides, I’m pretty sure that’s another dumb rule that’s there solely for the benefit of horny, impatient men.”

“Exactly,” I told her earnestly, “I believe that the lesbian third date rule involves one of us showing up with a U-Haul – or is that the second date? I can never keep my clichés straight…”

It was at that moment I noticed Joyce standing next to me. There was a twinkle in her eyes, but she didn’t say anything other than to take our orders.

“Did we just out ourselves to Chloe’s mom?” asked Dana after she left.

“Maybe; either way, it didn’t seem to bother her. Honestly, I can’t see Joyce being someone who’d have a problem with that – especially if she knew that Chloe was…” I realized that I don’t actually know the true end to that sentence; I settled on, “wasn’t straight.”

“That’s actually something we should talk about. Are we out as a couple? Are we even out individually?”

“I came out to my parents a couple of years ago,” I told her, “when they sat me down and gave me the whole ‘we’ll still love you if you’re gay, so please just tell us’ speech.”

“And were they really okay with it?”

“Yeah, they haven’t treated me any differently since then – other than being more confident of which pronoun to use when asking about my love life. After that, it’s not been something that I’ve tried to hide – but it isn’t something I advertise, either; for one thing, there’s no easy label for a woman who definitely isn’t interested in men, but is open to… other possibilities. The couple of people who’ve come out and asked me got an honest answer; I figure that everyone else will work it out when they see me with a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend.”

Dana nodded slowly. “And now that time has come, are you nervous about it?”

I shrugged. “Maybe a little, but after Kate being an enthusiastic supporter, and Victoria being… not Victoria about it, I’m not too worried about how everyone else will react. But that time has only come if _you’re_ ready for it. So…?”

She sighed. “A couple of months ago, the possibility that I might not be straight had never even occurred to me. I mean, sure, I’d had a few crushes on girls, but I figured ‘hey, what straight girl hasn’t?’ And I knew I was straight because I was most definitely interested in boys. And then… you told us all about your crazy time-traveling week from hell, and I just wanted to pull you into a big giant hug and never let go. It took me a couple of weeks to figure out it was more than just another straight girl crush; probably about the time I realized just how much of a guilty pleasure snuggling up with you on the couch for our movie nights was.”

After a few moments’ silence, I asked, “was there actually an answer in there somewhere?”

Dana smiled. “No, but if I’m not in a hurry to come out, that’s mostly because I’m not sure yet what I’d be coming out _as_. Probably bi, I guess, but I don’t think I’m ready to put any sort of label on it yet. That said, I don’t want to hide _us_ , so let’s just be girlfriends and let people think whatever the hell they want.”

“That works for me,” I told her with a big grin, then reached across the table to take her hand. We were still sitting like that a couple of minute later when Joyce arrived with our food, and practically sprang apart when she put the plates down.

“First date?” she enquired with a hint of a smirk. I nodded dumbly. “I remember seeing Chloe and Rachel sitting like that in this very booth. Must have been, oh, three years ago, I suppose.”

“Wait…” interrupted Dana, “Rachel Amber? She and Chloe were…?”

“In all honesty, I’m not sure what they were. More than just friends… and then less, then more again; it seem to wax and wane like the moon. I know one thing for sure, though: my Chloe loved that girl with all her heart, and it broke for good when she disappeared.”

“I’m sorry, Joyce,” I told her.

“Nothin’ for you to be sorry for. It’s good to have you around again, reminds me of happier times. You two enjoy your burgers, now.”

* * *

We caught the last bus back to school, and ambled slowly back to the dorm, hand in hand. “So, how was your first first date?” Dana asked me.

“Pretty good, I think; not that I have anything to compare it to. And one of the best parts is still to come,” I added with a twinkle in my eye.

“Oh, so you think there’s more to come?”

“Well, you were the one who insisted you were getting a goodnight kiss,” I told her with a laugh as I held the door open.

“Okay, you’ve got me there.” A few moments later we were standing outside her room. “So, are you sure you won’t come in for a… nightcap?”

“I’m tempted, believe me, but I’m going to stick with first date rules. If I go in there, I’m going to want to kiss you in ways I’m still too scared to risk again.”

Dana gathered me up into a hug. “I understand. We won’t go there until you’re ready.” And then her lips found my forehead, my cheek, my mouth. It was soft, gentle, and exactly what I needed; I practically melted in her arms. After a minute or so, a low wolf-whistle came from behind me, and we broke apart to see Juliet grinning at us.

“You know, if you’re trying to keep things on the QT, this isn’t exactly the way to go about it.”

Dana and I shared a look. “We aren’t,” she told her friend.

“Oh, ’cause I’ve had my suspicions for a while now; you guys have been spending so much time together, and Dana’s had a marked lack of interest in boy talk.”

“I was busy being oblivious…” I explained, “until yesterday.”

“Well, good for you guys. I’ll see you around.” She headed back to her room.

Dana sighed. “I guess Vic keeping quiet is a moot point now. By this time tomorrow the whole school is going to know about us. I may love Juliet, but she couldn’t keep a secret if her life depended on it.”

“I could care less,” I told her, “if it means I don’t need to worry about doing this in public.” I pulled her into one last lingering kiss. “Goodnight, Dana.”

“’Night, Max.” She went into her room, smiling, and I headed down the corridor. I hesitated when I saw the door opposite mine was ajar then, after a brief internal debate, knocked on it.

After a few seconds, Victoria appeared “Maxine? What the fuck do you want?”

I flinched, but I wasn’t going to let her hostility get to me. “Could I come in for a couple of minutes? There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

She stared at me, nonplussed. “Uh… sure,” she said, then stepped back to let me into her room. I sat myself down at the far end of the couch while she closed the door and joined me.

“So,” I began, “first I wanted to thank you for not spreading rumors about Dana and me. I know it was only a day’s grace, but it gave us a chance to talk things through.”

“Um, you’re welcome? I’m not sure what it says about me that all I have to do to be thanked is to stop being myself… And I’m still not planning on spreading any gossip.”

“Oh, I think that Juliet will take care of that,” I told her with a grin. As if on cue, Victoria’s phone chimed.

“‘Guess who I just caught making out with Dana?’” she read to me, then tapped out a quick response. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. There are few things Juliet hates more than someone stealing her thunder.”

“That’s fine, we wouldn’t have been kissing in the corridor if we were worried about keeping things secret.”

“So, what did happen last night, then? At this point, I’m guessing it wasn’t Dana having a bad reaction to you trying to kiss her.”

“No…” Somewhat to my own surprise, I decided to tell her. “She kissed me, and I had a panic attack because of some… bad memories; she ran off before I had the chance to explain.”

Victoria’s eyes narrowed. “What aren’t you telling me, Max. Who hurt you?” I could detect a hint of anger in her tone, and it wasn’t directed at me.

I shook my head. “It’s nothing like that, it’s just… the last person I kissed ended up dead.”

“God, Max, I am so sorry. If I’d known I would never have… wait… Chloe?”

“Yeah. And that’s all I’m going to say about it. Anyways, that’s not what I came here to talk to you about. I was thinking over what you said at lunch, and how upset you were. If you really are feeling that guilty about what you did to Kate, then maybe Dana and I aren’t the people you should be talking to.”

Victoria blanched. “No, I couldn’t!”

“Would it really kill you to apologize to her? It might even make you feel better.”

“It’s not about the apology, I just… I can’t face Kate, not after what I did to her. I’m sure that I’m the last person she wants to talk to, and I’m certainly not putting her through that just to make me feel better.”

“Have you considered that it might make _her_ feel better?”

“I…” She deflated. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

“Sure? No, but I think you owe it to Kate to at least try.”

Victoria’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not going to let this go, are you?”

“Nope,” I told her cheerfully, “I’m going to keep pestering you until you do the right thing. I’m just looking out for my best friend.”

“Isn’t _Dana_ your best friend?” 

“She’s my girlfriend; different thing. So, are you going to do it, or not?”

“Okay, fine, I’ll talk to Kate; but if it upsets her, then I’m going to hold you responsible.”

“Fair enough.”

“Good, now fuck off so I can get some sleep.”

“Yes, your majesty.” I gave her a hugely exaggerated bow, then headed back to my room for some much-needed sleep of my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Two](/works/13286709/chapters/31301031) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I would have posted this chapter sooner, but my regular schedule slipped on account of a double dose of favourite author fix — new novels from both Emily O’Beirne and Fletcher DeLancey in the space of less than a week cut into my sleep, never mind writing time!


	5. Smiles on Ice-Cream Faces

I woke up with a smile on my face. The past couple of days had been a real roller-coaster ride: I’d been on a date, and I had a girlfriend. I couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Still, there was this strange nagging feeling at the back of my skull, a slight hint of guilt. I lay there for a few moments, thinking, before realizing that I knew exactly where I needed to go. I grabbed my phone to check the time and my class schedule. It was still early, and I had a free period first thing. I quickly pulled on some clothes, then headed out the door to catch the bus into town.

Half an hour later, I stood uncertainly at the gates to the cemetery; I hadn’t been back there since the funeral. Pushing aside nerves, I forced myself to walk through them, slowly made my way across to Chloe’s grave, and knelt beside the headstone.

“Hi, Chloe,” I told her. “I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you before. I just… wasn’t ready yet. I miss you so much, and at first I couldn’t bear the though of being here, of seeing this.” I reached out and ran my fingers across the smooth stone, then looked at the bundles of wilted flowers lying below. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring you anything, but this was a last minute visit. I’ll do better next time, and I promise that’ll be a much shorter wait.”

I set there quietly for a while, trying to think of what to say next; it felt important to get it right, even if I was only talking to a ghost. “I’ve met someone, Chloe. Well, not met, exactly; I’ve known her since the start of the school year. You remember Dana, right? She’s… she’s my girlfriend now, Chloe. I hope you’re okay with that; it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten you, or that I don’t love you any more. You’ll always have a place in my heart: my best friend, my first love. But I have to move on; I can’t mourn you forever, and I know you wouldn’t want that.”

“We only went on our first date last night – at the Two Whales, if you can believe it. Joyce figured out what was going on right away and teased us; she seems to be doing okay too. Anyway, I thought I should tell you right away, and I’m going to try and be better about coming to see you and letting you know what’s going on in my life. It’s been hard without you. Really hard. No-one here remembers what happened in that crazy week, no-one knows the sacrifice you made.”

“I’ve told Dana and Kate; they’ve been here for me almost since the moment I got back. I don’t think I would have gotten through these past few weeks without them. I was just getting to know them back then, and now they’re my girlfriend and my best friend. See: it takes two people to replace you. Well, not replace, exactly, but to… fill the hole you left. Anyway, that’s what I came here to tell you, and I’ll come see you again soon.”

* * *

I got back to school just in time for my first class, so I didn’t get to see Dana until we broke for lunch. She grabbed me in the corridor outside the cafeteria, looked around to see if anyone was looking at us, then planted a quick kiss on my lips. “Hey, stranger, I missed you this morning.”

“Yeah, I uh… I went to visit Chloe.”

“Oh. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” I smiled at her. “I just wanted to tell her about my awesome new girlfriend.”

“Well, I guess that’s okay, then. C’mon, let’s get something to eat.” We’d just sat down with our food when Kate practically bounced into the room. A minute or so later, she brought her tray over to our table.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

“Of course not; I’m dying to know what it is that has you hopping around like Alice.”

“It was Victoria.” Dana’s eyes widened. “She apologized to me.” I smiled: mission accomplished. “She had this whole speech prepared about why she became the way she is, but that it was no excuse for the way she treated me, about how she should have know what was going on with Nathan, and how none of it was my fault.”

“Well, I’m glad she finally got her act together; it’s about damn time,” Dana said, “but I don’t get why you’re quite so happy about it.”

“Because ever since it happened, even after Max told me the truth, there was still a part of me that blamed myself. I could hear the echos of my mother’s voice saying ‘don’t blame other people for your own mistakes’ – and she certainly made it very clear who _she_ thought was to blame for what happened that night. After hearing Victoria’s apology, hearing _her_ accept the blame, that doesn’t have a hold on me any more; I can finally let it go.” Her face lit up with an enormous smile. “I’m free!”

“I am _so_ happy for you,” I told her. “This totally calls for a celebration. Sundaes at the Two Whales after school?”

“That sounds lovely,” said Kate.

“I am so there,” agreed Dana.

* * *

A few hours later, the three of us got off the bus, and headed into the diner. Joyce was busy with a customer, but gave us a nod as we headed over to our usual booth. This time, however, instead of sitting across the table, Dana slid in next to me and draped an arm around my shoulders. I was slightly surprised by the public display of affection, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. I leaned my head on her shoulder and sighed happily.

Kate sat on the other side of the booth and grinned at us. “You two make a pretty cute couple.”

“Why, Miss Marsh, are you perchance a little jealous?” asked Dana with a teasing tone.

She shrugged. “Maybe a touch.” Seeing my surprised expression, she continued, “my abstinence club may be about waiting until we’re married to have sex; there’s nothing about ‘no cuddles before marriage’.”

“But… what about that whole ‘leave room for Jesus’ while you’re dancing thing?”

“That’s about adults not trusting teenagers. They think the slightest physical contact is going to have us wanting to jump into bed. Some of us have a little more restraint than that. Well, some of the girls, at any rate. Besides, cuddling doesn’t have to have anything to do with romance, it can be with friends or family.” She paused for a moment. “I really miss cuddling up with my sisters to watch TV, or just reading books together.”

“Well, if that’s the case, you should come to our movie nights sometimes, there were plenty of cuddles to go around even when we were just friends.”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” Kate told me with a smile.

Joyce came over to take our orders, and raised an eyebrow at the large amount of ice-cream. “What are you three celebrating? I guess it would be a bit odd to drag Kate here along to your second date.”

Kate smiled at her. “Indeed. It’s partly about these two _finally_ admitting their feelings, and partly because Victoria finally worked up the courage to apologize to me.”

“And that’s cause for celebration?”

“I hadn’t realized how badly I needed to hear that it wasn’t my fault, from someone who _does_ have a share in the blame.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better then. I’m still going to give that girl a piece of my mind if she ever shows her face in here again, though.” Kate looked like she was about to say something, but decided not to. “Anyway, I’ll be back with your ever-so-healthy dinner shortly.”

We ended up hanging out at the diner all evening, talking and laughing – and following our desserts with some more sensible food. Dana and I never strayed far from each other’s touch, and Kate’s happiness was more genuine than I’d seen since before that fateful Vortex Club party. And if Joyce gently teased us about having our meal in the wrong order, well, that felt right too.

She came over again after clearing away the last of our mess. “Do you mind if I join you for a moment?”

“Of course,” said Kate, scooting over to make space.

“I just wanted to check up on you,” Joyce said to me. “You asked how I was doing yesterday, and I clean forgot to ask about you.”

“I’m… I’m okay. I still miss Chloe terribly, but I know she’d want me to move on with my life.” I felt Dana give my hand a tight squeeze. “I actually went to visit her for the first time this morning, and I think that was the final piece I needed. I have friends – I have a _girl_ friend.” I looked Joyce squarely in the eye, “I’m going to be alright.”

“Good. Even so, I’m going to ask you two,” here she was addressing Kate and Dana, “to keep an eye on her. When they were growing up, it was almost like Chloe and Max shared four parents between them, and now she’s the only daughter I have left.”

“I’ll take good care of her,” promised Dana.

“We both will,” added Kate.

“Good, and I’m counting on you to make sure that these two lovebirds don’t get up to too much mischief.”

“Hey!” we said in unison.

Kate just laughed. “I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I ask,” said Joyce as she got up. “Don’t be strangers here,” she told us.

“Hey Kate,” said Dana, “here’s some mischief for you to police.” She turned, and pulled me into a passionate kiss. My surprise gave way to eager participation, gave way to _FLASH. Storm. Chloe. FLASH._ I fell back, shaking and breathing heavily. “Another flashback?” she asked, her face full of concern. I nodded mutely, and she gathered me up into a reassuring hug. “I’m so sorry, Max, I shouldn’t have jumped you like that.”

“S’okay,” I mumbled into her shoulder. “It wasn’t as bad as last time – and you didn’t run away from me.”

“Never again,” she promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Six](/works/12393543/chapters/29740719) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I’m beginning to think that I’m doomed never to finish this story. I was planning on this being the final chapter, until I got to the end and that one tiny little plot point that I still need to wrap up…
> 
> My posting is probably going to be less frequent from her one out; I've finally caught up with the six month head start I had between starting writing the fics in _Echo Park_ , and starting posting them.


	6. Feel Myself Begin to Sink

The weekend after our impromptu sundae party, we were holding a council of war in my room. I’d had another flashback the previous evening, when what was supposed to be a very restrained make-out session got a little more heated than we’d intended. Dana had been nothing but supportive and apologetic, which somehow made me feel worse. I imagined that she was getting as frustrated as I was that we couldn’t even make it safely round first base.

“I’m no psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like you’re suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,” suggested Kate.

“PTSD?” Dana was puzzled. “I thought that was something that affected soldiers?”

Kate nodded. “The original name was ‘shell shock’, which manifested in survivors of the trench warfare of the First World War. More recently it’s been recognized as something that can affect people who’ve suffered through all kinds of physical and mental trauma – hence the new name.”

“So… what can I do about it?” I asked her.

“That’s the problem; some form of therapy would be the normal treatment, but…”

“…I can’t exactly tell a shrink the truth about what happened to me, because it would only confirm that I’m crazy, and I’d be promptly carted off to the asylum. I’m familiar with the trope.”

“I’m more than happy to help you, of course.” She turned to Dana. “I know you’ll want to as well, but under the circumstances, that’s probably not the best idea.”

Dana nodded slowly. “I get it. Trying to be Max’s girlfriend _and_ her therapist probably wouldn’t be good for _either_ relationship.”

“Exactly,” agreed Kate. “Besides, she’s going to need you in other ways. I hope you’re up to providing lots of cuddles.”

Dana gave her a small smile. “That sounds like something I can manage.”

Kate turned back to me. “I may not have any formal training, but I’m a good listener, and I hope you can trust me with anything you need to talk about.”

I smiled at her. “Of course, Kate, I _know_ I can trust you. And you’re right, I think it would be good for me to talk about everything that happened _properly_ , rather than just giving you the edited highlights.” _Like the details of what happened in the Dark Room, or that nightmare, or just how many times I watched Chloe die…_

“Okay, well whenever you’re ready, we should organize a time. It would probably be a good idea to be a little businesslike about it.”

“Let’s do that now,” I suggested. We discussed it briefly, and settled on the following Wednesday afternoon when we both had a free period.

“You do realize that what you’re planning to do is mostly going to help us with breaking the rules of your abstinence club, right?” I teased her.

Kate flushed briefly, then looked thoughtful. “Well, unless one of you is hiding a penis in your pants, you wouldn’t _technically_ be breaking any rules…” Dana and I shared a shocked look, then burst into laughter.

“No,” said Dana, “neither of us is a closeted transexual, and I don’t think we’re in that _other_ kind of fanfic.”

“Futanari,” I supplied helpfully.

“Right, that.” She gave me a sideways glance. “Do I even want to know why you’re familiar with the term?”

“I read a lot of yuri and femslash,” I told her unapologetically. “I’ve seen it in the tags from time to time. To be honest, I avoid those fics – too many of them just seem to be fetishizing women who are trans or intersex, and that’s not okay. On the other hand, I’ve read some really great fics about people who aren’t cis, and that gave me some insight into some of the shit they have to go through.”

“What on Earth are you two talking about?” Kate asked, plaintively.

“You have heard of ‘fanfic’, right?” Dana asked

“Um, yeah, I guess. It’s where people write stories about their favorite movies, or books, or whatever, right? I’ve come across a few on my _tumblr_ feed, but they all seemed pretty badly written.”

“Oh, you poor unenlightened child,” I told her, springing up to fetch my laptop. “Allow me to introduce you to the wonders of the _Archive of Our Own_ …”

* * *

Kate, it turned out, took our ‘therapy’ very seriously indeed. She insisted that we schedule our sessions in advance, and that we kept them strictly business; it seemed to work. Over the weeks that followed, she gently teased out every detail of my experiences in the other timelines, then went further back to talk about my life with Chloe when we were kids, and how I lost her the first time.

Slowly, Kate helped me to untangle the knots of emotion inside myself. She helped me to understand that, rewind or not, it was never truly in my power to save Chloe, and simply to be grateful for those few brief days I’d been able to steal with her. And, finally, Kate helped me to realize that, somewhere deep down, everything that had happened had left me feeling like I didn’t deserve to be loved; and then she explained to me just how wrong I was about that.

It was the following evening that I was first able to share a deep kiss with Dana without triggering a flashback. We’d been testing the bounds periodically since I’d started my ‘therapy’ – partly because ‘how else will we know if it’s working’, and partly because I just really wanted to kiss my girlfriend. We’d been making out for a few minutes when I suddenly pulled back. “Hey, no flashback!”

Dana blinked a couple of times, then grinned. “Oh, yeah! Does that mean your sessions with Kate are working, then?”

“I guess so; we did have a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. I think that I’m finally starting to come to terms with everything. I somehow doubt that the flashbacks are magically gone for good, but if they were something that just happened occasionally rather than every time we kiss, I think I could live with that.”

Dana pulled me close. “Me too,” she whispered.

I hesitated, my insecurities nagging at me. “Are you sure? You wouldn’t rather be with someone less… broken?”

“You’re not broken,” she told me sternly. “You’ve been through some pretty horrible things, but you’re still here. A little battered and bruised, maybe, but there is _no-one_ I’d rather be with right now.”

“Right now?” I queried, but her words had already begun to put my mind at ease.

She shrugged. “What are the odds of the person you’re dating at eighteen being the person you spend the rest of your life with? In five, ten years’ time, we’ll both probably be very different people who may well no longer work as a couple. That doesn’t mean I’m not fully committed to what we have; I’m in love with the person you are now, warts and all.”

“I don’t have warts!” I exclaimed, all mock-indignant. Then I looked Dana straight in the eye. “But I _do_ love you.” We melted back together, our lips meeting in another kiss. It felt wonderful to be able to simply enjoy it, rather than being on edge, waiting to be yanked out of the moment. “Stay with me tonight?” I asked Dana when we parted. We hadn’t shared a bed since that first awful night, and I found myself suddenly needing the closeness.

She just stared at me for a moment. “I… uh…”

Realizing what she must be thinking, I corrected myself. “Not to sleep with me, just to… er… _sleep_ with me.”

“I… I knew that.”

“There may be some cuddling involved as well.”

“Kissing too?”

“I think that could be arranged.”

“Okay, you’ve convinced me.” We both laughed, but neither of us made a move. Eventually, I got up and slowly removed my shirt and jeans. Aware that Dana was watching me, I hesitated for a moment before I quickly unhooked my bra and dived, blushing, under the bed-covers. I turned just in time to see her getting up from the couch, and stripping off her clothes. My mouth went dry, and I couldn’t have looked away even if I wanted to as she removed her own bra, before walking languidly across to the bed and sliding in beside me.

“Like what you see?” Dana purred in my ear.

“Mmmhmmm,” was all I could manage in response.

“Guess what?” she asked. “Me too.”

“Really?”

“You’re gorgeous, Max.”

“ _You’re_ gorgeous,” I protested. “ _I’m_ merely…” was about as far as I got before her mouth found mine. I quickly surrendered to Dana’s fierce kiss.

“Sorry,” she told me a little later, “I wasn’t about to let you finish that sentence.”

“S’okay,” I told her because, really, I was way too overwhelmed by the amount of skin-on-skin contact I was feeling to even consider complaining. Instead, I simply snuggled into my girlfriend.

“You planning on sleeping like that?” Dana asked with a chuckle.

“Yup,” I replied, already feeling myself drifting off. “Night night.”

“Goodnight, Max.”

* * *

I was woken the next morning by a knocking on the door; not loud, but persistent. After a few seconds of hoping that it was going to stop, I gingerly climbed over Dana’s sleeping form and headed for the door. I was reaching for the handle when I remembered my state of undress, hurriedly picked the previous night’s discarded shirt up from the floor, and pulled it on. I opened the door a crack and peeked out.

“Kate?” She had a slightly wild look in her eyes, and she was shaking. I opened the door wide, and she walked right past me.

“They’re going to let him out Max! They’re going to let him out!”

Quickly, I shut the door and went over to Kate, gently taking her by both arms. “Who are they going to let out?”

“Nathan! There was a news article about it on the Internet…”

“Show me,” I told her, leading her gently but firmly across to my desk, where I fired up my laptop. Hesitantly, Kate tapped in an address, then scrolled down to find the story. I quickly skimmed it, reading that Nathan had finally completed his psychiatric evaluation and attended an initial hearing. Kate’s finger jabbed at the screen, just above a large advert for some car.

“Look! They’ve set bail; that means he’ll be able to leave!”

I blinked at the large number. “I dunno, that’s a lot of money, Kate…”

“Oh, come on, Max,” she told me dismissively. “You know how rich the Prescotts are. He might already be on his way back to Arcadia Bay.” She clutched at me. “What if he comes after me, Max? I don’t want to go back to the Dark Room, I don’t want to end up like Rachel…” She began sobbing, and I pulled her into an awkward hug.

“That’s not going to happen, Kate. They wouldn’t let him within a mile of the school, not after what he’s done. You’ll be safe here, and if you ever need to go off-campus, just give me a call and I’ll come with you, okay?”

“Thanks, Max,” she mumbled.

“After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the very least I can do,” I told her, planting a kiss on the top of her head. I took another glance at the laptop, and a thought occurred to me. I reached out and scrolled down to find that, as I suspected, the article continued beneath the advert. I quickly scanned it, and a smile began to spread across my face. “You didn’t read the rest of this, did you?”

“There’s more?” Kate asked, sounding baffled.

“‘Nathan is no son of mine,’ said Sean Prescott from the courthouse steps,” I read. “‘As far as I’m concerned, he’s where he deserves to be.’ The wealthy businessman had earlier refused to pay his son’s bail, and now Nathan Prescott will await trial alongside his co-conspirator Mark Jefferson, who was denied bail at his own hearing several weeks ago.”

Kate had pulled away from me, and I could see the dawning comprehension on her face. “So… they’re not going to let him go?”

“Nope, it doesn’t sound like they are.”

“Oh, thank goodness.” She threw her arms around me. “I’m sorry for barging in like that, it’s just… after I first read that article, I totally panicked. Thank-you for talking me down again.”

“You’re welcome,” I was telling her, when Kate froze, and then practically leapt backwards.

“Uh… hi, Dana,” she squeaked, blushing furiously. I turned around to see my girlfriend sitting up in bed, the covers barely keeping her decent.

“Good morning, Kate,” she said with a smirk. “You seem to have an unerring talent for catching us in bed together!”

“I… I’m… sorry for interrupting,” my very flustered friend blurted as she made a beeline for the door. I caught her hand just as she reached it.

“Hey, the _only_ thing you interrupted was my sleep, alright?” I told her. “And I’m very glad you did, if it meant I was able to reassure you.”

After a moment, Kate relaxed. “Okay, but I’m still going to go. We can talk later, when you’re both properly dressed.” Her eyes flicked down to my bare legs for a moment. “Thanks again, Max,” she told me, before heading out the door.

“So… just how badly do you think we scandalized her?” asked Dana.

“Honestly, I think she was more caught by surprise than anything else. Also, I’m not sure, but I think she might have been checking me out just before she left.”

“Okay, now I’m pretty sure that you’re imagining things.”

“Perhaps. Anyways, what’s the plan for today? We have a whole weekend ahead of us.”

“The plan is that you come back to bed.” 

“Is that so?”

“How can I… persuade you?” she enquired, slowly sliding down the covers to reveal her gorgeous breasts.

“Consider me persuaded,” I told her, before locking the door, pulling the shirt back off, and returning to Dana’s waiting arms.

* * *

In the end, we didn’t see Kate again until dinner that evening when she came over to sit with us. “Look,” she said, “I wanted to apologize again for this morning.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” I told her firmly. “You’ve been helping me sort through my shit for weeks now. It’s the very least I can do to return the favor when _you_ need someone.” I locked eyes with her. “Seriously, any time, day or night, I’m here for you.”

“That goes for both of us,” added Dana. “You’ve been an incredible friend, and I totally owe you for the fact that I got to make out with my girlfriend last night without her having a panic attack.”

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Hey, you deserve it.”

“Wait… you didn’t have a flashback?”

“Nope,” I grinned, “hence the celebratory sleepover you gatecrashed this morning – for which, again, you do no need to apologize.”

Kate laughed. “Okay, I think I get the message.”

“Good,” said Dana, “and you should finally come over for movie night after dinner. We’re watching some Disney, so it’s totally Kate-friendly.”

She thought for a moment. “You know what? I think I will.”

“Excellent!” I told her. “Put on your swankiest PJ’s, and come over to my room whenever you’re ready. Don’t worry, we’re not going to start without you.”

An hour or so later, Kate knocked on the door. “Hey, come on in,” I told her, before guiding her to the middle of the couch.

“Um, don’t you two want to sit next to each other?” she asked.

“Yeah,” replied Dana, “but we also both want to sit next to you – and this arrangement stops us from getting into any… mischief.” She neglected to mention that we’d been making out before Kate arrived; or that a flashback had put paid to any more of _that_ for the evening.

Kate flushed briefly before asking, “so, what are we watching?” I held up the DVD. “ _Wreck-It Ralph_?” she asked skeptically.

“I’ve heard lots of good things about it,” I promised as I got my laptop set up. Once the movie was running, I settled into the other end of the couch, and tossed the comforter over the three of us. I inched a little closer to Kate, and Dana did the same. “This okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied, resting her head on my shoulder. “Thanks. This reminds me of being back home with Lynn and Ruth.”

The comfortable arrangement lasted right up to the point where someone referred to one of the characters as a ‘Dynamite Gal’ and it smash cut into a series of images that finished with a traumatic end to her wedding day. It was Dana who leaped up to stop the movie, but her legs got tangled in the comforter and she went sprawling on the floor. “Ow!” she managed weakly as she reached out to tap the spacebar, and the screen froze.

“You okay?” we both asked at the same time.

“I’m fine,” I reassured her, before carefully getting up to go over. “You’re the one who just did a spectacular pratfall.”

“Don’t worry, it’s mostly my ego that’s bruised.”

“Oh, well I can’t really kiss _that_ better,” I told her with a mock pout as I untangled her legs.

“I did land on my ass,” she added, hopefully.

“And I’m not kissing you there while Kate’s watching.”

“Thanks,” said Kate, “I appreciate that.” She lowered her eyes briefly before asking, “is that what it’s like for you? The flashbacks, I mean.”

“Not exactly, I just flash directly to the bad shit, but yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

I helped Dana to her feet, and she immediately pulled me into a hug. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered into my ear.

I smiled as we parted. “It’s thanks to you,” I turned to Kate, “ _both_ of you, that I’m coping so well with this. I can’t imagine what I would be like without your patience and support.” I let that sink in for a moment. “Now can we please drop it and watch the rest of the movie?”

“Whatever you need,” Dana assured me.

I retrieved the comforter, restarted the video, and returned to the couch – where I was firmly directed to the middle. I didn’t argue; a comforting presence on either side was just what I needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Seven](/works/12393543/chapters/29814924) of _Piece by Piece_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So, it's been a while. Sorry about that. The original plan was to have this chapter, and then a brief epilogue. And then something like this happened:
> 
> V: Hey, I totally want to do karaoke in the next chapter.  
> Z: WTF, Victoria? You're barely even in this story.  
> V: Do I look like I give a fuck?  
> Z: You never do.  
> V: Whatevs. Just write it, bitch.  
> Z: Fine. You've put the idea in my head now.  
> V: Oh, and you should totally write a spinoff focussed on me while you're at it.  
> Z: …  
> K: Oh, look, what an adorable little plot bunny!  
> Z: You're not helping, Kate.  
> K: Sorry :-(
> 
> So, yeah. It looks like there's still plenty more of this story to come.


	7. Leaves Us Open to Temptation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my readers left me a comment on the last chapter flagging up some thoughtless and insensitive writing on my part. I just want to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone I upset or offended; I'll try to do better in the future. Constructive criticism is always welcome, especially in cases like that where it gives me the opportunity to at least try and fix a mistake before it hurts anyone else.
> 
> And now: a new narrator, and a big pile of fluff.

I was sitting back against a tree on the front quad of Blackwell. Max’s head was in my lap as she lay there, thoroughly engrossed in some book. My Kindle sat discarded on the ground next to us; I’d given up on reading in favor of simply soaking up the late spring sunshine and watching the world go by. Well, that, and running my fingers through my girlfriend’s hair. The slow and fraught start to our relationship felt like a distant memory; sure, Max still had flashbacks occasionally, but they no longer got in the way of our happiness.

I saw Kate coming out of the school. She stopped, scanning the quad, then smiled when she spotted us and started heading over. A few moments later, Vic burst out of the entrance behind Kate, calling for her. She turned, and they were soon engrossed in a conversation that I was too far away from to overhear. Whilst the two of them had certainly become more friendly over the last month or two, I wouldn’t go so far as to actually call them ‘friends’. I was completely unprepared, then, when Kate threw her arms around Vic in a massive hug. It seemed that she was caught off guard too, as she just stood there stiffly for a moment before hesitantly putting her arms around Kate in return.

I nudged Max and pointed her in their direction; she sat up to take a look. “Well, that’s an unexpected turn of events,” she commented. “I wonder what brought that on.”

“I have no idea, but if they start making out, there’s a strong chance that I will literally die of shock.”

Max laughed. “I don’t think there’s much danger of that.” Sure enough, a few moments later Kate released Victoria; they shared a few final words, and then she came bouncing across to us, an enormous grin on her face.

“So…” I began, “how’s your girlfriend?”

“What?” squawked Kate. “Don’t be ridiculous!”

“Aww, c’mon, the last time I saw you this bouncy was… also after talking to Vic.”

“And,” added Max, “I haven’t seen a grin that big since Stella finally worked up the nerve to ask Warren out.”

“Seriously,” said Kate as she sat down next to us, “stop it, you two. Victoria just had some really good news, and I maybe got a little bit carried away. Still,” she added thoughtfully, “she does give exceedingly good hugs.” I squinted at her. Over the past few months, I’ve learned that this tone of voice _usually_ means that Kate’s teasing, but not always – and I’ve yet to figure out how to tell the difference. Max thinks that this is entirely deliberate; it’s also kinda infuriating.

“What is this awesome news?” I asked her.

“Victoria told me that it was Nathan and Jefferson’s sentencing today…” She let that hang in the air for a few moments, before continuing, “…and they both got life without parole.”

Max immediately pulled her into a bear hug. “That’s fantastic news, Kate, I’m so happy to hear it!” For a few minutes, they simply clung to each other, laughing and crying. I knew what it meant to both of them.

Eventually, they pulled apart. “Ever since I freaked out about Nathan’s bail,” said Kate, “there’s been this niggling feeling at the back of my mind, a worry that somehow they were going to get off. I’m not sure I could have coped with the knowledge that they were out there somewhere; I would have spent the rest of my life looking over my shoulder. Knowing that they’re going to be locked up forever… I feel like I can finally relax; I’m not sure I’ve been able to do that properly since I went to that stupid Vortex Club party.”

“I’m really glad,” I told her. “No-one deserves peace of mind more than you. So… how do you plan on celebrating?”

“I hadn’t really thought about it; that’s more Victoria’s sort of thing than mine.”

“Let me guess: she was boasting about how she has some big party planned?” asked Max, a little caustically.

“With who? She’s not exactly Miss Popular these days. She muttered something about wanting to go out dancing, but having no-one to go with. Ever since October she just seems to have gotten more and more isolated.” Kate hesitated, just for a moment, before ending, “I’m worried about her.”

I could see from Max’s face that she was biting back whatever snarky comment she was about to make. Instead, after a few seconds, she grudgingly admitted, “I haven’t seen her hanging out with any of her old squad, and it’s not like the rest of us have been rushing to make friends with her.” She shrugged. “What are we supposed to do about it?”

“Simple,” I told her. “We go dancing; the four of us. We’ve all got reason to celebrate those bastards being locked away; You two for obvious reasons, Vic was going to be their next victim – and Nathan was supposed to be her friend. As for me… they hurt people I love, and sooner or later they would have come for me.”

Kate looked at me uncertainly. “I _could_ do with letting off some steam, but the last time I did something like that… that’s when this all started.”

“That’s why the symmetry of this is perfect!” said Max excitedly. “Except this time you won’t be alone, you’ll have two friends and a… frenemy looking out for you. Besides, it’s not like we’re going to be able to get any alcohol – unless you’ve got some fake ID you’re not telling us about.”

Kate blinked a few times, then slowly nodded. “Okay, why not?” She began to smile, “If I’m there with you guys rather than showing up alone, I might actually have some fun!”

“Cool!” I got up and stretched, working out the kinks in my back. “I’m going to go talk to Vic, see if she’s up for it.” I strolled over to where she was sitting on the edge of the fountain, attention firmly locked on her phone. I sat myself down next to her and asked, without preamble, “so… dancing?”

Vic’s head jerked up. “Huh? Oh, hi Dana. What’s up?”

“Kate told Max and me that you said something about wanting to go dancing, and we thought it sounded like an outstanding idea. Any chance we can tag along?”

“Wait… what? You’re asking if you can come with me on a night out?”

“Yup. Look, I know we’ve been blanking you, and to be fair you totally deserved it at first, but I thought maybe it was time to offer up an olive branch.”

Vic just sat there, and for a moment I thought she might be fighting back tears. “Thank-you,” she said at last. “I’ve been waiting a long time for that. I mean, God knows I deserved what I got after everything I did to Kate, but it’s been so fucking lonely. In case she was too polite to mention it, my plans weren’t actually going to happen since I had no-one to go with, but if you and Max want to come too, then I guess they’re back on.”

“We do; Kate as well.”

Vic’s eyes widened. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, we figured that with three of us looking out for her, she should be fine. She didn’t even take much persuasion, so I guess she was about ready to venture out into the world again.”

“Okay… one condition though: you need to promise me that you and Max aren’t going to get too wrapped up in each other to keep an eye on Kate. If something happened to her again when I was supposed to be watching out for her… I don’t think I could live with myself.”

“Of course,” I said slowly, trying to wrap my head around Vic’s reaction. “After everything Kate’s done for us, we owe her that much.”

Thankfully Vic didn’t question that; instead, she simply nodded curtly. “Good. Since we’re not going to be drinking, how about I drive? Can you be glammed up and ready to go by nine?” Then she added, “Can Max even glam up at all?” but it was with a small smile, and I could tell there was no malice in it.

I laughed. “I’m sure we’ll manage. Where exactly are we going?”

Vic shifted awkwardly. “Um, Tyros has a 70s and 80s night…”

“Sounds like fun!” I told her, using enthusiasm to cover my surprise.

She looked relived, but also eyed me shrewdly. “Not quite what you were expecting?”

“Not so much,” I admitted, “but you’re not the only one with a secret love for cheesy retro music. Besides, it’ll probably more up Kate’s street than some of the modern stuff that’s little more than a mindless beat.”

“Cool, so I’ll see you guys outside my room at nine sharp, then.”

“Great,” I told her as I got up, “I’m looking forward to it. And… thanks for suggesting this, even if it was unintentional.”

“You’re welcome,” Vic said, looking pleased.

I walked back across to Max and Kate, and settled into my spot against the tree. “So, when exactly did Vic get replaced with a pod person?” I asked them.

“What do you mean?” asked Max.

“She was _nice_ – touchingly concerned about Kate, in fact. She actually admitted to being lonely, and seemed to genuinely believe that she deserved it. Sure, she took a bit of a poke at you, but it was more like friendly banter than her old bitch queen self. Oh, and she’s taking us to an 80s night, so… there’s that.”

“I see what you mean,” said Max after a moment. She turned to Kate. “Any ideas?”

Kate froze. “I… may not have been very gracious in accepting her apology,” she admitted at last. “In fact, I made sure to let her know exactly what she did to me. So while _I_ may have come out of that conversation feeling much better about myself, I’m pretty sure I did the exact opposite to Victoria.” She actually looked a little upset.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up,” said Max. “If all you did was tell her some harsh truths, then you did nothing wrong.”

“It’s not _what_ I told her, Max. It’s how and why. Victoria was genuinely remorseful for what she did, but instead of accepting that, there was a part of me that wanted revenge. Instead of being a part of her healing process, I ripped that wound wide open, and then walked off without a backward glance. Whether she deserved it or not isn’t the point – _I’m_ better than that, or at least I should be.” Her eyes dropped to the ground and stayed there. “I really don’t like the person I was that day. I was no better than she used to be.”

“It’s not the same thing, and you know it,” I told her. “You were lashing out at someone who hurt you, and while that doesn’t make it right, it’s very different from making someone’s life hell just for the fun of it. You’re still the best person I know, even if you did briefly fall off the wagon.”

Kate lifted her head, just a little. “Thanks, Dana, that means a lot.”

“Anyway, we need to make plans. We have until nine to get ourselves ‘glammed up’ for a night out with Victoria Chase – and yes, those were her actual words.”

“Does she mean glammed up as in ‘ready to party’, or full on Ziggy Stardust?” Max asked. “You did say it was an 80s night…”

I laughed. “Much as I would like to see that – and Vic’s reaction to it – I’m pretty confident that’s not what she meant.”

“Uh, guys?” asked Kate, “what on Earth am I going to wear?”

* * *

I ended up enlisting Juliet’s help to get Max and Kate suitably dressed and made up, seeing as neither of them had much of a clue. Somehow, I managed to talk Max into actually wearing a skirt – although the finished outfit left me with serious second thoughts about the desirability of leaving the room. Thankfully, we have the same size feet, otherwise she’d have been wearing her trusty Chucks; I loaned her a pair of flats, not wanting a night in the ER which would have been the inevitable result of Max in heels.

I was just putting the finishing touches on my own outfit when there was a knock at the door. “What do you think?” asked Juliet when I opened it; she stepped aside to reveal a nervous Kate. She was wearing a top I was pretty sure I’d seen Juliet in a few weeks previously, and her make-up was much more noticeable, but not overdone. She looked _good_ , without being overtly sexy – in other words, perfect for Kate.

“You look gorgeous!” said Max, coming up beside me.

“Thanks!” Kate said, embarrassed. “You look great too.”

Max primped her hair a little. “I know.” We all promptly burst into laughter.

“They both clean up nice, don’t they,” observed Juliet, pulling me aside as Kate and Max continued to admire each other.

“Yeah, I just wanted to drag Max back to bed,” I told her.

“Down, girl!” she said with a laugh.

“Awesome job finding a party look that Kate’s comfortable with, by the way.”

“Yeah, well, after the shit that happened to her back in October… Anything I can do, y’know?”

“Sure you don’t want to come with us?”

“Nah, I got plans with my man,” she told me with a saucy wink.

“Be safe,” I admonished her, before going in for a quick hug. “Time to go, ladies,” I told the others, shooing them out into the corridor.

“Have fun!” Juliet called after us as we went down to knock on Vic’s door.

She emerged almost immediately, and looked us over, like a general inspecting her troops. “Well, I suppose you’ll do,” she said grudgingly.

“High praise indeed,” I said, sardonically.

Vic cracked; a smile crept onto her face. “Seriously, you guys look fantastic. Shall we go party?”

* * *

Half an hour later, Vic was paying the cover charges and ushering us into what passed for a club in Arcadia Bay; really, it was just a glorified bar with a decent sized space for dancing, and a tiny stage. I didn’t recognize the song that was playing as we went in, so I headed straight for the bar. When the DJ mixed into the unmistakable piano slide that starts ABBA’s _Dancing Queen_ , Vic grabbed my shoulder.

“Drinks can wait,” she shouted over the music, before pulling an unsuspecting Kate towards the dance floor.

“Much as it pains me, I’m with Victoria on this one,” said Max loudly, holding out a hand to me.

Laughing, I followed her, and the four of us carved out some space to dance in. A few of the club’s male patrons tried their luck with us, but what with Max and me playing the full-on lesbian card, and Vic using her death glare on anyone who dared to get within six feet of Kate, we got left in peace after the first couple of songs. With that, we started switching partners; I spent some time dancing first with Vic, and then Kate. It was the latter who suggested we take a break.

“Can we go get some drinks?” she said, leaning right over so she didn’t need to shout. “I’m really thirsty, and I’m not sure my legs will take much more of this!”

“Good plan,” I told her, then grabbed the other two and dragged them towards the bar. A few minutes later, we were all sat on a bench, gulping down large glasses of Coke.

“Kate’s not the only one who needed a break,” Max confided in me. “That’s more exercise than I’ve had in months.”

“Pffft, what a lightweight!” I teased her. “We need to go out there at least a couple more times before we leave.”

“Fine, fine, just… give me a few minutes to catch my breath, okay?” In truth I was grateful for the break as well; I wasn’t quite as fit as I used to be. I’d found a lot less time for jogging since I started spending so much time with Max. As it turned out, she was the first to jump up a few minutes later when a song she clearly recognized came. The intro was familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it until Max started mouthing along with the first line, pointing at each of us in turn. _Young man, there’s no need to feel down…_

Vic jumped up to join her, and Kate gave me a dubious look. “Is this one of those songs that everyone’s supposed to know the dance for?”

“It’s pretty well known, but I don’t think you’re _supposed_ to be able to do it. C’mon,” I told her as I got up, “it’s pretty easy. You just have to make letters with your arms during the chorus.” Kate’s look grew more skeptical, but she followed me and soon the four of us were dancing together again. Time passed in a blur until we took another break for a second round of drinks.

Max was breathing heavily. “I’m not sure how much more of that I’m going to be able to manage,” she told me.

“Here, drink this,” I suggested, passing her a glass, “you’ll feel better once you’ve rehydrated.”

“Thanks,” she said, and I proceeded to watch in amazement as she downed the entire thing in one go.

“Learn to do that with beer, and you’ll have a neat party trick to impress the boys.”

Max made face. “Ugh. That’s something I have _zero_ interest in.”

“Beer, or boys?”

“Both.” I realized that, up to that point, I hadn’t actually known what her sexuality was, beyond ‘not straight’. I suppose that was the only part that really made a difference to me.

It was Vic who got us moving again, standing up as the Weather Girls introduced themselves. “Come on, we have to dance to this!”

The rest of us shared a look. “I don’t think we’re buying what Mother Nature’s selling,” Max told her.

“So what? Neither am I right now. It’s an awesome song, so get your butts moving.” She strode onto the dance floor without a backwards glance and, after a moment, we followed. After a couple more upbeat tracks, the DJ finally put on a slow song.

“May I have this dance?” I asked, holding my hand out to Max.

“You most certainly can,” she replied, flowing into my arms. I glanced across to where Kate and Vic were standing awkwardly next to each other. It was Kate who hesitantly made the first move, taking Vic’s hand and pulling her in. I smiled, and held Max closer as we shuffled around in time to the beat. “I guess she wasn’t kidding about not leaving room for Jesus,” Max murmured in my ear after a couple of minutes. I turned to see Vic with a mess of emotions showing on her face, and Kate’s head resting on her shoulder.

We stayed like that through one more song, and then were shaken out of it by an unpleasantly familiar intro. “Seriously?” I said, “did the DJ just Rickroll us?”

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” said Vic, and the others nodded in agreement.

“Yeah,” said Max, “we’re gonna give up on this place…” I groaned, and we fled the club.

“So, what now?” I asked. “I’m not sure I want to head home just yet.”

“Well,” began Vic, “I happened to notice that the bar across the road is doing karaoke tonight…”

“You just ‘happened to notice’, did you?” Max was skeptical. “Why do I get the feeling this was your plan all along?” Vic gave a non-committal shrug.

“Well, I think it sounds like fun,” piped up Kate.

“I guess that settles it, then,” said Vic decisively. Almost before we knew it, we were sat around a table, sipping the virgin daiquiris that she’d insisted on buying.

“Who’s going first, then?” enquired Max, after we’d quietly heckled the first couple of singers – both of who sounded like they’d had entirely too much to drink.

“This _was_ Victoria’s idea…” Kate suggested with a small smile.

Vic shot her an unreadable look. “Fine with me.” She got up and went across the room to look through the catalog. A few minutes later, she stepped up to the mic, her eyes locked on the karaoke machine. “So, I wanted to sing a song for a very special person. This is something I should have told her a long time ago, but better late than never, right?” She hit the button to start the music, then began to sing. “ _Made a wrong turn, once or twice. Dug my way out, blood and fire…_ ”

“Okay, she’s actually pretty good,” Max grudgingly admitted.

“It’s not like she would have suggested this if she wasn’t,” I pointed out.

Vic finally looked up as she hit the chorus, her eyes zeroing in on our table. “ _Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect. Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me._ ” I turned to look at Kate, and saw her eyes glistening.

“She really has changed, hasn’t she,” said Max, quietly. It was more an observation than a question.

“Yeah,” replied Kate, but she didn’t elaborate. She did, however, leap up and give Vic a fierce hug when she returned to the table.

“So, Max, seeing as you kindly volunteered me to go first, it seems only fair that you take the next spot.”

“Touché,” muttered Max, but she got up to go and pick a song, and await her turn at the microphone. “So, uh, this is for someone I lost,” she said as the intro began to play. “ _If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I’d take back those words that hurt you, and you’d stay._ ”

Despite the fact that I knew she was singing about Chloe, I could feel the laughter bubbling up inside me at the irony of those words. Kate elbowed me sharply. “Dana…” she said with a warning tone.

“I know… it’s just…”

“I know. But if Max sees you laughing while she’s singing about Chloe, she may _never_ forgive you.” That sobered me up, fast.

“Thanks, Kate.” Vic was staring at us, her eyes narrowed, but rather than demanding to know what was going on, she quickly looked away. Maybe Max was right; it seemed that she really was growing as a person.

“So, were you okay with me singing about Chloe?” Max asked as she sat back next to me.

I wrapped an arm around her. “Of course. She’s always going to be important to you, I’m never going to ask you to put that aside.”

“Thanks for understanding,” she whispered; then more loudly, “and now… it’s your turn!”

“Ugh. But I have no idea what to sing!”

“Well, there are plenty of choices; if you really can’t think of anything, just stick a pin in the list or something.”

“Okay, fine.” I went over and started skimming the catalog, but inspiration didn’t strike. To make things worse, there was nobody else in the queue so the guy running the show was hurrying me to decide. In the end, I gave in to Max’s advice. “Just give me something by Taylor Swift,” I told him. At least that way it would be a song I knew. I picked up the microphone. “So, uh, this is for someone I’ve found. She’s the one who suggested I pick something at random, so if it turns out to be completely inappropriate, she’s got no-one but herself to blame.” I hit the button, and the music started. “Seriously?” I muttered, shooting a glare at the guy; he just smirked back at me. “ _I remember when we broke up, the first time…_ ”

My eyes flicked over to our table, just in time to catch Max completely cracking up, quickly followed by Kate and Vic. I decided that maybe this was going to be fun after all. I could see all three of them singing along with the chorus, and pointed at each of them in turn with the line “ _You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me._ ” When the song was over and I headed back to my friends, Max promptly popped up and gave me a big, dramatic kiss. This earned us a few scattered cheers – more, in fact, than my singing had.

“Now, the real question is,” I said once we were sat down again, “are your indie records actually much cooler than mine?”

Max considered this. “Well, there were a bunch of CDs in that box of Chloe’s stuff Joyce made me take, so I’m going to have to say ‘yes’.”

“Seems fair,” I said, not wanting to argue with that. I turned to the final singer of our quartet. “Moment of truth, Kate; are you up for this?”

“Of course,” she told me, suddenly radiating confidence. “I was _born_ ready.” I watched as she strode away from the table, before turning to Max.

“Am I missing something?”

“The fact that Kate’s been singing in her church choir since she was knee-high to a grasshopper, for starters.”

“I guess, but I’ve never heard her sing, and I’ve certainly heard her violin practice enough times.” Max merely grinned at me.

“Hi,” said Kate through the microphone, “earlier this evening a friend sang a song for me, and I just wanted to let her know that I got the message.” The music started, and I recognized the song instantly; it had been pretty much impossible to avoid for the previous few months.

“No fucking way!” said Vic. I agreed; Kate certainly had guts to do this in front of a large audience.

“ _The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen,_ ” she began, and my doubts melted away. By the time she hit the first chorus, the steady rumble of background noise – previously uninterrupted since we entered the bar – had dropped to silence. After she nailed the final high note and gave us a dismissive, “ _The cold never bothered me anyway_ ,” the entire room erupted into cheers and applause. Kate graced us all with a curtsey, before hurrying back to our table.

“Wow,” said Vic, “that was… incredible.”

Kate ducked her head, a slight glow on her cheeks. “Thank-you. I’ve always loved singing, and between church and the school choir, I certainly get plenty of practice.”

“Wait, we have a school choir?” I asked.

“It’s new this year,” explained Max, “and what Kate neglected to mention is that she’s the lead soloist.”

“So, basically, she’s like Rachel from Glee?”

“Except without the ego, and with – as we just heard – the ability to hold her own against Idina Menzel.”

“I can’t argue with that.” I turned back to Kate. “Seriously, you were amazing!”

“Really, you can stop now,” she muttered, clearly embarrassed by the praise.

“Maybe we should head home,” Max suggested. “It’s late, and it seems like nobody wants to follow Kate at the microphone.”

“Not a bad idea,” agreed Vic, covering a yawn. We all got up and headed for her car. “Look,” she said once we were driving back to the school, “I wanted to thank you three for inviting yourselves along tonight. If you hadn’t, then I’d have just had a boring evening in my room, alone with my laptop. Instead, I had a really great time. And… it means a lot that you’re willing to give me a second chance.” 

“You’ve earned it,” said Kate simply.

“And we trust Kate’s judgement,” added Max. “I’m not saying we’re going to become BFF’s overnight, but maybe we could hang out again sometime. We have these regular movie nights, perhaps you’d like to host one…”

“And that would have nothing to do with the size of my TV, of course,” said Vic with what I can only describe as playful sarcasm.

“Well, I do declare! You’ve seen right through my cunning ploy,” exclaimed Max, and we all laughed.

“Seriously, though,” Vic continued as we pulled into the parking lot, “I’d like that – as long as we’re not watching something lame, like _Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within_.”

“Hey, that’s a great-looking film,” said Max with a laugh.

“Perhaps,” Vic retorted as we got out of the car, “but that’s the _only_ good thing about it.”

Max was still laughing. “Agree to disagree.”

Vic looked ready to argue, but Kate took her hand. “ _Let it go, let it go…_ ” she sang, and Vic cracked a grin. The two of them headed off in the direction of the dorm, leaving Max and me to trail behind.

“So… your place, or mine?” I asked as we crossed the quad.

“Yours is closer,” said Max, “and I have a sudden, desperate need to relieve you of your clothes.”

“I’ve been wanting to do the same since I first saw you in that skirt,” I told her.

“We _can_ hear you, you know,” Kate called from up ahead.

“Well, we did warn you that this was the likely end result of your help,” Max replied, unrepentant.

“Doesn’t mean I want hear about it!”

“Just ignore them,” advised Vic, “it’s what I do.”

“Hey!” Max and I chorused, but I was actually enjoying the banter. This whole evening had reminded me of what Vic used to be like a few years ago, back when Rachel was the reigning queen of Blackwell – a bitch, yes, but still _fun_. A couple of minutes later we emerged onto our dorm corridor and it was time to say out goodbyes.

“Thanks for getting me to come along tonight,” said Kate, “I had a really fun time.”

“You’re welcome, songbird,” Max told her.

“I’ll be sure to invite you from the start, next time,” promised Vic.

“And thanks for organizing everything,” I told her.

“It’s the least I can do. ’Night, guys.” She headed off to her room.

“Good-night, you two,” said Kate. “Have fun!” She was gone before either of us had the chance to formulate a response.

“Well, you heard the lady,” I finally said to Max as I opened the door to my room.

We were kissing in earnest before it even closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Three](/works/13286709/chapters/31873155) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> So, yeah, this chapter came about after I was listening to some P!nk and thought how _Fuckin' Perfect_ was a.. fuckin' perfect fit for Victoria and Kate's (largely offscreen) character arc in this story. Also, how _Who Knew_ would make a heartbreakingly perfect soundtrack for an Amberprice fanvid — but I digress. Anyway, things kinda snowballed from there, and I ended up with this extra-long chapter that didn't really get me any closer to a conclusion for this fic, plus a whole lot of Victoria & Kate backstory that I really want to explore more fully.
> 
> The end result is that this fic will be going on hiatus while I figure out where Max and Dana's story is going, and while I make a start on the primarily Victoria-PoV parallel story tentatively titled _Fallin’ to Pieces_. There are also some other unfinished stories I need to be getting back to…


	8. As the Wind Blows Though My Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! It’s been three months since I posted the last chapter of this fic; sorry about that. I’ve far from abandoned this universe, though – I’ve started a parallel story, [Fallin’ to Pieces](/works/13286709/) which will flesh put the world from the perspective of Victoria’s journal; although I’m trying to make sure that they stand on their own, you might want to read the first three chapters of that before starting on this.

Naturally, Kate was _right there_ when Max was leaving my room the next morning, stealing one last kiss as we basked in the afterglow of a night that had involved very little in the way of sleep. She raised an eyebrow at us.

“You’re the one who ordered us to ‘have fun’,” I told her, unrepentant.

“I guess I walked right into that,” she replied, blushing, “but I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Last night was awesome,” enthused Max, before belatedly adding, “I mean the part of the evening you were there for.”

Kate nodded. “I was nervous at first, but I had a really great time; I’m glad Victoria suggested it.” She hesitated. “I just wish that she’d been that way since the start of the year.”

“Don’t we all,” muttered Max, then seeing Vic’s door open, “speak of the devil…”

“Good morning, ladies,” she greeted us.

“Hi, Victoria,” Kate said warmly, “thanks again for a fantastic night out.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “it was a lot of fun.”

Vic looked embarrassed. “It was nothing, really. I’m so grateful to you all for coming with me. I’ve… I’ve been really fucking lonely these past few months. It was _so_ nice not to feel that way, even if it was only for an evening.”

The three of us shared a look. “I don’t think we’re cruel enough to go back to blanking you again,” said Max after a moment. “Don’t get me wrong, we’re not going to be best buddies or anything, but I wouldn’t be averse to hanging out occasionally.”

Vic managed a small smile. “You just want to watch movies on my big TV, don’t you.”

“No!” Max exclaimed. “Maybe? Okay, yes. But I’d also like to get to know the new you. So, let us know when – we’ll even let you pick a movie the first time.”

“No pressure, huh?” Vic headed for the exit. “I’ll be in touch.”

Once she was gone, I turned to Kate. “So, you and Victoria, eh? That was some mighty close dancing you did last night,” I teased her.

Turning bright red, she put her face in her hands. “What was I thinking?” she mumbled. Then, peeking over her fingers, “did she look _horribly_ embarrassed? Has she said anything to you?”

“No; if anything, she looked happy about it,” Max told her. “Wait… your proximity to us hasn’t turned you gay, has it?” she continued, all mock serious, then turned to me and asked, “do we still get the toaster oven, or would one of us have to actually sleep with her for that…?”

Kate laughed and pushed at her. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m still straight. It’s just… Victoria and I may not be friends, but I honestly believe that she’s changed. Somewhere along the line she earned my trust – and you know I can be a bit of a cuddle monster once I’m comfortable with people.” She shrugged. “Seeing lots of other people dancing like that made me want to as well.”

“I guess I can understand that,” I said, “but if you’re worried about it, why not just go talk to her?”

Kate nodded. “Yeah, I’ll do that.”

* * *

A week or so later, we had our promised movie night chez Vic. When she produced a DVD which was clearly in French, I was somewhat dubious; she seemed to be trying a little too hard to impress us. As it turned out, my concern was misplaced; the language barrier merely added to the film’s charm, and following the dialog via subtitles was no great hardship. We all hung out to chat for a while afterwards and, just like that, Vic became a part of our little group.

* * *

A week after that, and things were more somber. It was the beginning of June, and the time when we could stick our heads in the metaphorical sand to hide from the future was over. It was time for Max and I to make decisions about our lives after Blackwell. It’s a story which was unlikely to have a happy ending – the odds of us ending up in the same city were remote. We’d deliberately not discussed where we were applying; as Max’s parents hand bluntly put it, following your high school sweetheart to university is a good way to make a bad decision.

Since it was a sunny day, and we wanted neutral territory for this talk, we both gathered up our acceptance letters, and walked out to a small glade near the edge of the wood behind the school. We sat silently facing each other in a patch of dappled sunlight, neither of us wanting to make the first move. “Are you ready to do this?” I asked after what seemed like half an hour.

“No,” Max replied glumly, “but I guess we have to do it anyway.”

“So… let’s not start with the _where_. I can see you’ve got a few letters there. Did you get into anywhere you really want to go?”

She managed a smile. “Yeah, I did, actually. I have offers from my top two choices – it’s actually kinda annoying, ’cause now I have to try and decide between them. First world problems, right?” She trailed off, looking slightly embarrassed.

“Congratulations,” I told her with a grin and a surge of pride, “and don’t worry; I have letters from two of my top three.”

“That’s great!” She reached out and squeezed my hand, genuinely happy for me.

“Thanks. So, moment of truth. Where?”

Max took a deep breath. “Los Angeles and San Francisco.” I felt like a deep, dark hole had opened up beneath me. I could tell that Max must haven seen something on my face from the way she asked, “not close?”

“New York and Chicago,” I told her.

“Fuck! The closest I’ve got is my backup in Seattle, and that was mostly as a money-saving option where I had cheap in-state tuition, and I could live with my parents. The course…” she trailed off.

“Isn’t really what you want do?” She nodded. “Same applies to my backup option in Portland.” It felt like a depressive fog had settled over us.

“This sucks,” said Max eventually. “Either we take our dream courses, but on opposite sides of the country so we’ll see each other approximately never; or we could be a few hours apart but on courses we don’t really want to do.” There’s a third option that she didn’t mention – where one of us doesn’t accept _any_ of our offers, just so that we can be together; but in all honesty I don’t want to make that sacrifice, and I _certainly_ don’t want Max to.

“It could be worse,” I pointed out, “imagine if one of our first choices and the other’s last choice were in the same city…”

Max winced. “There’s no way _that_ would end well.” Her eyes dropped to the ground for a few moments, before flicking back to me. “So, what do we do?”

“We follow our dreams, and figure out the rest as we go. Sure, we could see each other regularly if we go for the Seattle and Portland option, but in all honesty I doubt our relationship would survive a year, let alone four – and we’d be left on courses we didn’t really want in the first place.”

Max nodded slowly. “We’d end up resenting each other for not doing what we really wanted to; it would probably kill our friendship as well as our relationship. You’re right about that. So… what happens next? We both go home after graduation, see each other a few times over the summer, and then…”

“I have an alternative to that. If I take my top choice, there’s an optional summer dance residency I can do before I start. How would you feel about spending a couple of months with me in New York? I’m sure you and your camera can find things to keep you occupied while I’m training.” Max’s answer to that was to launch herself at me, knocking the air out of me as I landed on my back. I barely had time to suck in quick breath before her lips found mine.

“I take that you like my plan,” I said, once she’d moved down to kissing my neck.

“Mmm-hmm.” She lifted her head, clearly reluctant to pause her ministrations. “I love it, and not just because of what it postpones. Two months of sharing a decent-sized bed with you…” She got a gleam in her eye, and one of her hands slipped under my shirt. “Tell me, Miss Ward, have you ever had _al fresco_ sex?”

I _hadn’t_.

* * *

I had no idea what came over me the previous day. Well, other than Dana. Call it… stress relief. I knew that we’d only put off the inevitable, but hopefully it was enough. And then Ms Madison went and announced her little photography contest, and that was more than enough of a distraction. She was dishing out the assignments randomly, so I didn’t get to work with Dana – probably for the best; I’d likely have spent my time trying to turn it into a nude study – and instead got paired up with Evan. Kate ended up working with Victoria, and actually seemed pretty pleased about it; I guess she got the right partner if you want to win.

Apparently I wasn’t wrong about that – the two of them were thick as thieves for the next week, working on their shoot. Evan and I took a more… relaxed approach, but I was still determined that, unlike with the _Everyday Heroes_ contest, I wanted to get a great shot _and_ hand it in. Even so, it didn’t come as a great surprise that we only managed second place. And if Victoria looked like she desperately wanted to rub my nose in it, she managed to contain herself. Instead, she took Kate, Dana and me out dancing again. I did get a death glare off her when I grumbled that we only had one week of term left, though.

The end of that week found us back in Tyros one last time, and I made sure to spend plenty of time dancing with Kate and Victoria. Unlike Dana, I had no idea when – or even if – I’d see them again. I was going to miss my best friend, and yes, even my rival. Eventually, of course, the evening came to an end and we said our final goodbyes. We all promised to stay in touch and, who knows, maybe we will. Mostly I was looking forward to seven glorious weeks in New York with my girlfriend – and trying not to think about what came after that.

* * *

The ‘apartment’ that Dana had for the next year was, to put it mildly, tiny. One room that was just big enough to contain a bed, a couple of storage units, and a table with two mis-matched chairs. There was a small kitchen nook, and an en-suite shower room. The whole thing was about the size of one of our dorm rooms at Blackwell. On the plus side, the bed was a full – fifteen glorious inches of extra space after months of either sharing a twin or sleeping separately. Naturally, the first thing we did after moving in was rigorously test it for comfort.

We only had a couple of days before Dana’s classes began, and we spent most of that getting to know our immediate neighborhood, and doing boring housekeeping stuff like stocking the kitchen and replacing the truly awful curtains. Any serious exploration of the city would have to wait; I’d have plenty of time for that – too much, perhaps. The reality that I was going to be pretty much on my own during the week was beginning to sink in.

I knew I wanted to spend the time working on my photography, learn some new techniques. In addition to my trusty Polaroid, I now had a shiny digital SLR to play with – no matter how much I love the old analog medium, I accept that I need to have an eye on the future. The camera had been a parting gift from Victoria; she was getting a new one as a graduation gift, and wanted me to have her old gear. “I know you’ll do great things with it,” she’d told me.

I found my solution almost straight away – idly browsing through Craigslist, I found an ad from a modeling agency looking for an intern to work in their photography studio a couple of days a week. It was unpaid, and I knew I’d probably be mostly used as a gofer, but it would be good, practical experience. Plus, if the photographer wasn’t a total diva, hopefully I’d be able to learn from them, too. Sure, fashion shoots aren’t really where my interests lie, but someday I’m going to need to pay my own bills. Victoria might be able to afford spending a few years without an income while she hones her craft; not all of us are so lucky.

A couple of days later, I was heading into the agency waiting room. I took a quick look around, then went to sit by the one girl who wasn’t impossibly beautiful. Not that my eyes didn’t keep flicking to the models, though. “They’re not worth it, you know,” said the girl next to me, then corrected herself, “well, most of them.” She had a foreign accent – I wanted to say British, but I knew it wasn’t; Australian, maybe?

I turned and grinned at her. “I’ll take your word for it; besides, I think my girlfriend might object to me putting the moves on any of them. I’m Max, by the way – are you here about the internship?”

“Zel, and no; you’d think being the boss’s photography nerd daughter would make me a shoe-in, but apparently she’s decided that I’m too young.” She sounded pretty disgruntled about that. “So, what kind of photography do you do?” I told her about the projects I’d done at Blackwell, and pulled out my portfolio to show her some of the shots. Zel raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you use one of those vintage Polaroid cameras? I thought _I_ was being retro by insisting on using real film…” She leafed through the pictures. “These are really good.”

“Thanks!” I said, blushing. I’ve never been confident about my talent, so it’s always nice to get some positive reinforcement. “I’d love to see some of your work.”

“Unfortunately, the results of the project I’m working on at the moment are currently sat on a bunch of rolls of undeveloped film.” She told me about how she and a friend were riding to the end of every subway line, and she was taking pictures while they explored whatever they found there. From the way she said “friend”, I suspected that maybe there was something more going on there – or at least that Zel _wished_ there was.

“That sounds like a really cool idea,” I said, already seeing the possibilities.

“Here’s the thing: I’d invite you to join us, but…”

“…you just want some one-on-one time with your crush?” I interjected.

Zel blushed. “I was going to say that Prim doesn’t really do… people.” She didn’t deny anything, though.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude. Besides, weekends are the only time I get to spend with Dana when she _isn’t_ exhausted from dancing all day. If you wouldn’t mind me borrowing the idea, though…?”

“It was Prim’s idea, and she borrowed it from a book, so go for it. It’s not like you’re going to end up taking the same pictures as me anyway.” I nodded, and was about to ask if we could swap email addresses so that we could compare photos somewhere down the line, but someone called my name. I looked up to see a smartly-dressed woman looking at me expectantly from an office doorway. “Good luck,” Zel told me. “I hope you get the job.”

“Thanks, it was great to meet you.”

I hurried over to the office, where Alexa Romano introduced herself. Inside, and dressed rather more casually, was Michelle Okada, the photographer I’d be working with if I got the placement. She immediately asked if I had a portfolio; I passed it over and she started leafing through it while Alexa asked the questions. “So, what brings you to New York?”

“My girlfriend got into NYADA, and she’s here for the summer session. It’s probably our last chance to spend any time together, plus I liked the idea of a new city to explore and photograph.” We talked about how I got into photography, but when we got to the topic of formal training, I had to admit, “this was supposed to be the part where I could brag about having studied under Mark Jefferson, but that’s not much of a recommendation these days.”

Alexa looked confused, but Michelle’s head snapped up. “Were you…?” she trailed off, unsure of how to tactfully finish the question.

“No. But two of my closest friends were. I lost one, and almost lost the other.”

“I am so sorry. I take it you weren’t one of those weeping fangirls who were there when the verdict was handed down.”

That surprised a laugh out of me. “No; in fact there may have been dancing and karaoke involved after we heard about it.”

Michelle nodded approvingly, then started asking some more technical questions, which I did my best to answer. Finally, she asked, “so, why do you want this internship? You seem to be more into artistic photography rather than fashion or glamour.”

“I want to try something different, expand my skills. And, yes, get some experience in a field where I might be able to find paying work.”

That earned me a grin. “I appreciate your honesty.” She turned to Alexa and gave her a small nod.

“I have one last question, then: how long have you known my daughter?”

“Zel?” I guessed; she nodded. “Just since I came into your waiting room.”

“Well, it seems like you made an impression, from the thumbs-up she gave me behind your back.” She stood up and held out her hand; I quickly got up and shook it. “We’ll see you at nine on Tuesday, then.” Somehow, in a daze, I managed to thank her. On the way out, I crossed paths with Zel, and mouthed a “thank-you” at her – she responded with a clearly fake look of baffled innocence.

* * *

I quickly found a routine for the next few weeks. Tuesdays and Wednesdays I worked at the modeling agency, Mondays and Thursdays I explored the city in my version of the Subway Project, and Fridays were for doing chores and running errands. That left the entire weekend to spend quality time with Dana, and I was determined to enjoy every minute of it.

Michelle immediately slipped into the role of my mentor; she had a passion for photography, and loved to share it. Sure, the internship did put me at the bottom of the food chain, and I got sent out to do the coffee runs and so on, but she made sure I got plenty of practical experience too. Saying that I already had a good grasp of framing and composition, Michelle gave me a crash course on all the technical stuff that hadn’t been relevant to my instant camera. Sure, we’d covered it in class at Blackwell, but this was like having ten hours a week of hands-on practical experience with what was effectively one-on-one tuition.

I applied my newfound skills when I rode the subway to parts of New York I’d probably never have thought to visit. I mostly used the fancy camera Victoria had donated to me; experimenting with all its settings, and enjoying the freedom of being able to take dozens of shots a day – hundreds, if I’d wanted to. I had my trusty Polaroid with me as well, but even though film for it had gotten much easier to find since the Impossible Project got off the ground, it was still hella expensive. I could only afford to take two or three pictures a day with it, so I needed to put a lot more thought into picking _those_ shots.

Weekends were like a montage from some cheesy rom-com. Dana and I played the part of ‘young and in love’ to the hilt, rarely straying far from each other’s touch. We did all the clichéd tourist shit – kissing at the top of the Empire State building and the Statue of Liberty, having endless picnics in Central Park, and visiting every museum and art gallery we could find. We made love every night, and often fell asleep with our bodies still intertwined. We lived for the now because the future was too upsetting to think about; knowing that our time together was limited forced us to seize every moment.

It was the best summer I’d ever had, but all too soon it was over. On my last day at the agency I stammered out some embarrassingly profuse thanks to Michelle; she told me she’d really enjoyed working with me, and to get in touch if ever I needed a reference. The next day, I rode the A train out to Far Rockaway, the last stop on my subway journey. I had mixed feelings about the project being over, and decided to try and come up with something similar for LA – one that would take me four years to complete.

* * *

It was the day before I had to fly out to Los Angeles; and we could no longer put off the discussion we were both dreading. To be fair, we’d agreed to leave it until the last minute because, depending on what we decided, staying in such close quarters might quickly become uncomfortable. This time we hadn’t run away to the forest, instead we were sat cross-legged, facing each other across our… Dana’s bed.

“So,” I said, “hit me with it.”

Dana took a deep breath. “I think we should break up.” My chest constricted. I’d come to pretty much the same conclusion, but it still hurt to hear Dana say it out loud. “It’s not that I _want_ to, I just…”

“…don’t see how it could possibly work?” I finished. “I know. Neither of us has the kind of money to fly across the country whenever we want. If we try to stay together, we still most likely wouldn’t be able to see each other until next summer. I think we’d just…”

“…end up resenting each other? Seeing each other for at best a few weeks each summer over the next four years isn’t much of a relationship. Sure, we could Skype for hours every night, but that would be at the cost of us building new friendships and new lives. I’m sure there will be loads of awesome people in LA you’ll want to spend time with – and maybe someone you’ll want to get close to.”

I wiped the tears from my cheek and gave her a small smile. “And the same for you here; don’t think I haven’t noticed that at least one of your fellow students looks like she can’t wait for me to leave.”

“What? Who?” Dana asked, looking genuinely baffled.

“Oh, no, I’m not going to make it easy for you! I may be okay with the idea of you eventually dating someone else, but I’d like to imagine you pining over me for at least a little while before jumping into bed with somebody new.”

Dana gave a small, strangled laugh. “So… you’re okay with this?”

“‘Okay’ is a strong word. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, and I guess a part of me had already accepted that this was inevitable. I love you, and I want you to be happy – and I think that we both know trying to maintain this relationship across an entire continent would end up making us both miserable.”

She sighed. “Yeah, I know. I love you too; and that means that if I can’t be around to make you happy, I want you to be free to find someone who can. It doesn’t mean I’m not tempted to handcuff you to the bed so you can never leave.”

I gave her a thoughtful look. “Handcuffs could be fun… Seriously, though, if we’re going to do this, then I hope we can stay friends.”

“Of course; and maybe in four years time, if we’re both single and can contrive to live reasonably close together, we can give this another try.”

And there was the one tiny little ray of hope I needed to cling to. “I’d like that.” There didn’t seem to be much else to say.

Eventually, Dana broke the silence. “So, what now?”

“Well, I’m already packed,” I told her, gesturing at my suitcase. “Actually, that’s not true.” I got up off the bed and slowly undressed, folding the clothes neatly and tucking them into the case before zipping it shut. “ _Now_ I’m fully packed.” I loved how Dana’s eyes roamed across my naked body as hungrily as they had the first time she saw it. “And that means there’s really nothing else for us to do except fuck each other senseless until it’s time for me to leave.”

It turned out Dana really _did_ have some handcuffs, and used them to make sure I had to wait entirely too long for _her_ clothes to go – but turnabout was fair play. We spent most of the night having by turns the roughest sex and gentlest love-making I’d ever experienced. Eventually, we had a few scant hours’ sleep, before starting again – including one final time in the shower that meant we were still getting dressed when the cab buzzed up.

We rode to the airport in silence, reality finally sinking in. Dana held my hand tightly as we wound our way at a snail’s pace through the check-in queue. There was some sort of problem with the computers, so by the time my bag was gone and I had my boarding pass, I needed to head straight to security. I wasn’t sure whether to be angry or glad that there would be no chance for protracted farewells. Instead, we made do with one long, last, desperate kiss.

“Goodbye,” said Dana, tears in her eyes.

“Goodbye,” I whispered, then forced myself to turn and walk into the checkpoint, not daring to look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Four](/works/13286709/chapters/32697258) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Zel, Prim, and the Subway Project are borrowed from _Here’s the Thing_ by Emile O’Beirne; she’s written a bunch of YA lesfic novels, all of which I can highly recommend.


	9. Sitting on a Corner Street

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another two-month wait. As I suspected, this chapter ended up running long — plus I still keep getting distracted by scenes from later chapters and side-stories…

“You’re a lucky young woman.” The voice came from behind me as I shuffled my way through the line towards the X-ray machines. I turned, to see a lady with white hair, and a twinkle in her eyes.

“Excuse me?” I said to her.

“I saw that kiss – and your girlfriend. If I was fifty years younger I’d be sorely tempted to try and steal her away from you!”

I couldn’t help but smile; the incongruous conversation was just what I needed. “If you were fifty years younger, I’d give you her number – she’s not my girlfriend any more.”

The woman’s expression became more serious. “I’m sorry, how long were you together?”

“About nine months, our senior year at high school. We managed to steal the summer together as well, but for the next four years she’s going to be here, and I’m going to be in Los Angeles, so…” I trailed off, blinking back tears.

She nodded slowly. “For what it’s worth, I think you chose wisely. Very few relationships can survive that kind of strain.”

“Then why does it feel like I just made the worst mistake of my life?”

“Because it’s much easier to focus on how you’re feeling now than how it will affect you in the long term.”

I sighed. “I’m sure you’re right. It’s only been a few minutes, after all.” That earned me a small chuckle. “I’m just hoping that once I start classes, I’ll have plenty to keep my mind off it.”

We reached the front of the line, and I helped my new friend – Elsie O’Donnelly – with her bag and coat. Once we were past the scanners, I discovered she was on the same flight as me, so we walked together to the gate. The agents there were re-checking us as we arrived – apparently the flight was particularly busy. Elsie was cheerfully quizzing me about what felt like my entire life story when I was called back to the desk.

“Hi, I’m afraid our flight today is over-booked in economy today.” My chest constricted; I’d left leaving for LA as late as possible, and I couldn’t afford to be bumped to a flight the next day. “I hope you won’t mind if we upgrade you to business class?” Great, a joker.

I forced a smile. “Does anyone ever say no to that?”

“Not that I remember,” he confirmed.

“For future reference, what did I do to earn this?”

“Luck, I’m afraid. One of the empty seats is next to your friend Miss O’Donnelly, so you seemed the obvious choice to fill it.” Okay, so a very observant joker, then.

A couple of minutes later, I returned to Elsie, clutching a fresh boarding pass. “What was that about?” she asked.

“Apparently they think you need someone to keep an eye on you during the flight, so they moved me into the seat next to yours…”

Having Elsie for company made the time pass quickly. After I’d given her the highlights of my year at Blackwell, she regaled me with stories of life in a time when society was much less accepting of her sexuality. By the time we landed at LAX, I was feeling a little better about my own life. Sure, my relationship might be over now, but at least we hadn’t had to hide it – spending nine months pretending that we nothing more that friends.

I took a cab across to Echo Park, where the tiny art school campus was located. As I’d left things pretty late, I didn’t have to wait long at the registration desk, and soon had my keys and course schedule. I dragged my case across to the dorm building and took the lift up to the fifth floor, then knocked nervously on the door of the room I’d be sharing.

A few seconds later, it opened to reveal a young African-American woman. She was maybe a couple of inches shorter than me, curvy, and had a full head of natural hair that I found myself itching to run my fingers through. Quickly shaking off the shock of instant attraction, I introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Max, and I guess I’m going to be your roommate.”

Her face lit up with a huge smile. “Hey, Max, it’s great to meet you, I’m Monica. Come on in; you really didn’t need to knock, this is your home too.” She stepped back to let me in. “I hope you don’t mind me taking this side,” she added, gesturing towards the right hand side of the room.

“Of course not,” I told her, “either is fine with me.”

“I guess those are yours,” Monica said, pointing at the boxes I’d packed during my brief stay at home after leaving Blackwell.

“Yeah, my parents shipped them down from Seattle.” She gave me a curious look. “I flew in from New York this morning, I spent the summer there with my girlfriend…” I paused, blinking back sudden tears, before correcting myself, “ _ex_ -girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “what happened?”

“For the next few years, she’s there and I’m here… we both agreed that probably wasn’t going to work out. I kissed her goodbye at JFK this morning, and now… it’s over.” I sat down heavily on my bed, and gave up fighting the tears. A few moments later, I felt Monica sit down beside me, put an arm around my back, and gently pull my head onto her shoulder. “Sorry,” I mumbled, “you’ve barely known me five minutes and already I’m crying on you.”

“It’s all part of my evil plan; now you _have_ to be my friend!”

That made me smile. “With Dana in New York, and Kate in Philadelphia, it would be nice to have a friend in the same time zone, let alone the same city.”

“Excellent! And besides, I know a little about what you’re going through. My boyfriend dumped me over the summer; seems he wanted to be free to hook up with all the hot babes in Portland.”

I sat up and looked at her. “He actually said that?”

“Well, not in so many words, but I could read between the lines.”

“I’m sorry, that really sucks. It sounds like I got out of Oregon just in time, though.”

“Wait… I thought you said your parents were in Seattle?”

“Yeah, but I did my senior year in a small town on the Oregon coast…” I gave Monica a somewhat edited version of my time in Arcadia Bay as I started unpacking my stuff.

“Ugh, just thinking about that gives me the creeps,” she said. “Now that you mention it, I do remember hearing something about that Jefferson guy at the time. It really sucks that you had to deal with that shit. How’s your friend doing now?”

“Kate? She’s good. Got herself a place at an Ivy League university. She was the smart one in our little group of friends, as well as the strong one. Anyway, enough about me; I want to hear about you.”

Monica grinned, and told me about growing up in Detroit, her two beloved big brothers, the friends she’d had at school. “It’s a real wrench to leave all of that behind,” she said, “but my parents worked incredibly hard to give me this opportunity; I’m the first person in my family to go to college.”

I could see Monica watching me as I tried to formulate a response. “Sorry, I’m struggling to find something to say that doesn’t reek of middle-class white privilege. I’m really glad you’re here, though.”

Monica grinned. “Me too.”

* * *

Watching Max walk though that checkpoint was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Still, at least I could go home, curl up in bed, and cry in peace; Max wasn’t going to have that kind of privacy for hours – maybe longer, given that she was going to be sharing a dorm room. I desperately wanted to hold her, but I had no idea if I’d ever get to do that again. More, I wanted to _talk_ to her, to hear her voice. But, even if she wasn’t on a plane, we’d agreed it would be best to cut all ties for at least a month or two while we adjusted to our new reality.

My eyes were still red when I went to class the next day, so I didn’t manage to keep my break-up secret for very long. I scanned the faces of my fellow students, trying to figure out which of them Max had been talking about when she said someone couldn’t wait for her to leave. It was the next week before I realized that the behavior of Jess – one of the other dancers – towards me had gotten way more flirtatious.

I was torn about what to do – or not to do – with it. There was a little voice at the back of my head going _she’s hot, you’re single…_ and being free to take advantage of this kind of situation was part of the reason Max and I broke up. On the other hand, no way was I over her yet. I decided to hedge my bets: a little bit of flirting, just to keep in practice, but I also had a frank conversation with Jess.

“Look, don’t get me wrong, I like the attention, but it’s been less than two weeks since Max and I broke up, and I’m just not ready to move on yet.”

“I get that, Dana; I’m not looking to replace her. I’m looking for a fuck-buddy, not a girlfriend,” she said frankly.

I blinked. “Then why the heavy flirting with me? Why not move on to someone who’s a little more interested?”

“Because I like you, and I want the ‘buddy’ part as well as the ‘fuck’ part. I may not want a full-on relationship, but I’m not interested in sex with random strangers either.”

“Okay, I can respect that.” I nodded slowly; this might be what I needed, just… not yet. “I still need time, and I’m honestly not sure how long, but if you’re willing to wait for the benefits, we can make a start on the friends part.”

Jess smiled. “Deal.”

* * *

“Hi, Max,” said Kate when the Skype call connected.

“Hey, it’s good to see you again,” I told her. “I tried to call last night; did you have a hot date?” I added in a teasing tone.

“Kinda. Victoria took me out for dinner, and I didn’t get home until after sunrise.”

My jaw dropped. “Wait, what?” There were _so many_ things wrong with what she’d just said.

Kate giggled. “Your expression right now is priceless!”

“Can you blame me? I’m trying very hard not to imagine you on an all-night date with Victoria Chase.”

“Well, it wasn’t a _date_ date.”

I stared at the screen of my laptop. I think my jaw might have actually dislocated. I’d assumed that the whole thing had been Kate teasing me. “Seriously?” Yes, I’d been binge-watching Gray’s Anatomy. So sue me; I lived in Seattle for years and I was maybe the teeniest bit homesick.

“Yes. I already knew she was going to be at Penn too, but I think _she_ might have had a heart attack when she ran into me a couple of days ago. She took me out for dinner so we could catch up, and we ended up spending most of the night in a coffee shop, just talking. I know it sounds weird, but I think we’re going to be really great friends.”

I looked at her dubiously. “If you say so.” Personally, I’d just be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Look, I get that you still don’t like her, but I chose to give Victoria a second chance – and she hasn’t let me down since. Anyway, enough about me; how are _you_ doing?”

I sighed. “Not great; Dana and I broke up.”

“I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“I know, but…” I shrugged, “it’s not like the alternative was likely to suck any less.”

“Still, that’s not much consolation. I’d give you a big hug right now, but,” Kate gestured helplessly, “I’m almost as far away from you as Dana is. I hope you make some new friends quickly.”

“Well, actually, my roommate is pretty awesome. I wasn’t in great shape when I got here; she listened to me whine and gave me a shoulder to cry on.” I went on to tell her more about Monica, but trailed off when I saw Kate giving me an odd look. “What?”

“Max has a cru-ush!” Kate told me in a sing-song voice.

“I do not! I’ve only known her a few days – which is also how long it’s been since I broke up with my long-term girlfriend.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to her. I’m not suggesting you actually ask her out or anything.”

I decided not to mention that I was really missing the ‘or anything’ too. “I suppose a nice, safe crush on my cute, but straight, roomie might be just what I need.”

“That’s the spirit!” Kate said, as I heard the door open behind me. I turned my head to eye Monica come in.

“Hey, Max,” she said.

“Hi, Monica. Come say hello to Kate.”

A moment later, she leaned on the desk, “Hello, Kate, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You too, Monica – Max has told me _all_ about you.”

“Oh really? Well, she might have mentioned you to me once or twice.” They both grinned. “Look, I should probably warn you that I’m plotting to steal your best friend.”

Kate laughed. “Go for it. I was planning to ditch her for someone a little closer to home, anyway.”

“Do I actually need to be here for this conversation?” I muttered. I wondered if the old adage about never letting your ex-girlfriend and new girlfriend meet applied to best friends too.

“Have her give you my contact details,” Kate continued as if I hadn’t said anything. “We should chat, and I can give you tips on the care and feeding of your Max.”

“Sounds good,” said Monica. “It was nice to put a face to the name, but I’ll let you two finish your call now.” She waved, then retreated to her side of our room.

“I just want to be sure that someone’s looking out for you,” Kate told me softly.

“As long as someone’s doing the same for you; I’m just worried that Victoria isn’t the best person for that.”

“You’re just going to have to trust me, then, because I believe that she is. She knows what I went through, and I’ve seen what that knowledge cost her. I believe that she won’t make that mistake again.”

“I’m sorry, I get that she’s changed, it’s just… even after we spent more time with Victoria those last few weeks at Blackwell, I still have these niggling doubts about her. That’s my problem, though, and I shouldn’t be projecting it onto you.”

“It’s okay; I don’t mind having an over-protective friend – as long as you know where to draw the line.” Kate glanced down. “I need to go in a minute; it’s almost time for dinner.”

“Okay, well it was great to have this chat; we should totally do it again soon. And… er… if you should happen to talk to Dana, let her know that I’m alright.”

“What are we, like, twelve? Passing notes in class? Why not tell her yourself?”

“Because we agreed that it would be best if we did a month or two of radio silence, so we’ve actually got a chance of making a clean break.”

“That makes sense, I guess. I’ll pass your note along if I get the chance.”

“Thanks, Kate. I’ll talk to you again soon. Bye!”

“Bye, Max.”

* * *

“Hi, Dana,” Kate said when she answered the phone, sounding genuinely pleased to hear from me, “how are things in the Big Apple?”

“They’ve been better,” I admitted. “I mean, the course is great and all, but it’s been a month and a half and I still really miss Max.” That was more true than I was ready to explain; I’d finally slept with Jess the previous night, and was having all sorts of conflicted feelings about it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”

“I know it wouldn’t be any better if we’d decided to try the long-distance thing. It’s just… ugh. Anyway, the reason I was calling is that I could really do with getting out of the city for a weekend; everything here reminds me of her. I don’t suppose you have some floor space I could crash on for a couple of nights?”

“Of course,” Kate said immediately, “it would be lovely to see you again. Um… are you okay to go out dancing on Saturday night?”

“Sounds good to me – unless this is a date I’d be intruding on?”

She laughed. “You do remember who you’re talking to, right? No, It’ll be exactly a year since… well, you know. My new best friend suggested it would be a big ‘eff you’ to Nathan and Jefferson if I go out and have a good time.”

I liked the sound of this person already. “They must be a good friend if you’ve opened up about all that.”

“She is; besides, I needed _someone_ to talk to. I know it’s not the same thing, but you’re not the only one who hates that Max is on the other side of the country.”

“I get it; you were as close to Max as I was, just in a different way.”

“So, how’re you getting down here?”

“I was planning on catching a Greyhound after class on Friday. I can give you a call from the bus once we’ve made it out of the city and I’ve got an idea what time I’m going to get in. If you could send me your address or some directions?”

“I’ll meet you at the bus station, just let me know when. I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

* * *

Early evening on Friday, I caught the bus from the terminal in midtown, and a couple of hours later we pulled into Philadelphia. I saw Kate waiting for me the moment I stepped off, and she came over to give me a quick hug. “It’s good to see you,” she told me.

“You too. Sorry I’ve been kinda dodging you.” We’d exchanged a few messages since Max and I broke up, but the call to set up this visit had been the first time we’d talked since then.

“That’s okay,” Kate said as we started walking towards the campus. “I was always closer to Max than I was to you, so I get how things might be a little awkward.” I wasn’t entirely sure that was it, but it was close enough to the truth to let it slide.

Instead, I asked the questions I’d been wanting to, but had put off because I wasn’t sure I’d like the answers. “How is Max? Have you heard from her? Is she happy? Is she… seeing someone new?”

Kate smiled. “We’ve talked a few times since she got to LA; Max specifically asked me to let you know she’s alright if you ever asked.” She paused for a moment, a thoughtful look on her face. “I don’t think that was entirely true the first time she told me, but she seems to be getting there now. As for seeing someone, not that I’m aware of – unless you count the crush she has on her straight roommate.”

I let out the breath I hadn’t consciously been holding in. “I’m glad she’s okay, and there’s a part of me that’s happy she hasn’t replaced me too quickly.” _Wow, hypocrite much, Dana?_

“Unlike me,” Kate said with a laugh. “The first time I talked to Max, she introduced me to Monica – who promptly warned me she was plotting to steal my best friend away.”

“And you were okay with that?”

“Of course; Max needs a friend who doesn’t live a couple of thousand miles away, and I’ve got a new bestie here.”

“Do I get to meet this mysterious person?”

“Of course, we’re all going dancing tomorrow night.” Kate led me into a dorm building, and a couple of minutes later we were settled in her room. She produced an air mattress from under the bed. “I hope you don’t mind getting an early night. Knowing T… my friend, we’ll probably be out late tomorrow.”

“No, that’s fine,” I told her, slightly baffled as to why she seemed to be hiding her friend’s name. I watched as she plugged the mattress into an outlet and it began to inflate. “You really didn’t need to do this.”

“Don’t be silly; I couldn’t have you sleeping on the floor.” Kate directed me to the bathroom, and by the time I got back, my temporary bed was fully made up. I guess traveling must have taken it out of me like it alway does, because I fell asleep straight away.

The next day we went sightseeing. Since she hadn’t been there long, it wasn’t so much Kate showing me around her city, rather the two of us exploring it together. We saw Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and a bunch of other stuff, before heading back to Kate’s room to get ready for our night out.

Kate was buttoning up her top when the knock at the door came, so she gestured for me to answer. I opened it, and found myself face-to-face with Victoria Chase. She looked almost as surprised as I felt. “Uh… hi, Vic. Long time no see,” I managed, as I stepped back to let her in. Kate was smirking at us, clearly enjoying her little game.

“I see I wasn’t the only one Kate was keeping in the dark,” Vic said, then gave me a genuine smile. “It’s good to see you Dana. Are you two ready to go?”

“Yes,” said Kate, grabbing her purse and ushering us out the door. Vic led us off campus and a few blocks away to a club which was advertising its 80’s night. I grinned; this was going to be just like old times – minus Max. I shrugged off that last thought as Vic led us inside and we hit the dance floor. It felt good to dance without anyone watching and judging me; with my friends from NYADA I can’t really relax when I dance – even when we’re just out clubbing, we’re all still competing.

Of course, being a trio of fine-lookin’ young ladies, we got some attention from the guys. Kate seemed oblivious, I wasn’t interested, and Vic looked… uncertain. I found that odd, since I’d seen her with a bunch of guys while we were at Blackwell. Seen her _hangin’ out_ with a bunch of guys. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’d never seen anything more than that. Could it be she really _was_ as inexperienced at the dating game as she looked?

Seeing a particularly hunky guy checking her out, I decided that a little help was in order. I nudged Vic and told her, “he’s totally into you; you should go for it!” She glanced at Kate so, remembering how protective she’d been, I promised Vic I’d keep an eye on her. After another brief hesitation, she turned to the guy, and they started dancing together. Ten minutes later, I was mentally patting myself on the back; Vic looked to be having a fantastic time.

A slow song came on, and Kate looked at me. “May I have this dance?” she asked. I smiled, and held out my arm; a moment later, her head was on my shoulder. I was a little surprised, until I remembered seeing her dance like that with Vic back in Arcadia Bay. After a minute she pulled back a little to retrieve her phone. “I feel like I should selfie this to send to Max,” she said, with a hint of her wicked grin. I raised an eyebrow, but nodded. She moved back in, holding out her arm, and snapped a few shots.

Looking around, I saw Vic being pulled into a kiss, and nodded in their direction. Kate followed my nod, and turned her phone to capture the moment, taking a little extra time to frame the shot. I realized that Vic wasn’t happy with what the guy was doing about a second before she knee’d him in the balls. He staggered back, screaming at her, and we immediately moved in to support Vic. Kate still had her phone up, making it clear that she was recording what was going on. After a few tense moments, a couple of the guy’s friends persuaded him to leave.

We took that as our cue to do the same; Vic was dazed, and happy to be led away. Kate guided us to a coffee shop a couple of blocks down the street, then went up to the counter to order drinks while I found us some comfy chairs. It wasn’t until Kate pressed a large frozen coffee into her hands that Vic finally looked up. “Hey, Tori,” Kate said, “how are you feeling? Did he hurt you?” Vic shook her head. “How are you _feeling_?” Kate pressed.

Vic sighed. “A little shook up, but I’ll be fine.” She gave us a sad smile. “It wasn’t exactly the first kiss I’d imagined.” I wondered exactly what she meant by that. First kiss with a new guy? Surely it couldn’t have been her first kiss _ever_?

“I’m here if you need anything, okay?” Kate told her. Vic nodded, then sat back, closed her eyes, and sipped her drink. Kate turned to me. “I’m sorry our evening was cut short.”

I waved it away. “Not your fault; besides, I have a strict one douchebag per night limit,” I told her, earning me a small smile. “I will admit that it’s a little weird seeing the two of you interacting like this, though.” I glanced at Vic. “After everything that happened last year.”

“I can understand that,” said Kate, “but the way I see it is that the girl who bullied me last year is gone. The woman I’ve gotten to know over the last few months… she’s a completely different person; someone I feel blessed to have as a friend.” I saw Vic’s mouth twitch at that, but she didn’t say anything.

The next morning I was woken by Kate softly padding around her room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you, but I need to get ready for church.”

“That’s okay, just give me a sec to wake up, and I’ll come with you.”

Kate turned a lamp on and looked at me. “I didn’t take you for the religious type.”

“I’m not, particularly,” I admitted, “but my parents always made me go to church every Sunday. I used to hate it when I was little, but after I got older and I was constantly fighting with Mom… I dunno, it always used to help me find some peace. I think I could use some of that right about now.”

Kate smiled. “You should probably get dressed, then. We need to leave in about twenty minutes.”

I unzipped my sleeping bag and sniffed. “I should probably take a quick shower first…”

Half an hour or so later, we arrived at the church, a few blocks from campus. I followed Kate to a pew, then allowed the familiar rituals of the service to wash over me, leaving me feeling calmer, more… centered. “Thanks for letting me tag along,” I told Kate after the final blessing.

“Of course!” she replied. “Would you mind if we stayed for a short while? There’s always tea after the service, and I’d like to say hello to a few people.”

“Not at all.” I followed her to an area at the back of the church where, sure enough, there were a couple of ladies serving tea and, thankfully, coffee. “I don’t suppose you could do me a triple espresso?” I asked with a smile.

“I’m afraid not,” said the server, returning the smile and pouring me a large mug of filter coffee. “I take it you aren’t used to being up this early on a Sunday?”

“No, I’m just in town visiting my friend Kate,” I nodded to where she was accepting a cup of tea and talking animatedly to a couple of other members of the congregation. “And I haven’t exactly been a regular church-goer since I left home.”

“Ah, well Kate’s a lovely girl,” she said, pouring more mugs of coffee. “You know her from high school, I take it?” We chatted for a few minutes while Kate talked to this person and that. “So, tell me,” Becky, my new friend, asked at last, “what sadness is it that brought you here today?”

I looked sharply at the shrewd expression on her face. “My high school sweetheart and I broke up at the end of the summer.” I shrugged. “We both agreed it wasn’t going to work with one of us in New York and the other in Los Angeles.”

“Ah, that would explain it. I’m sorry; first love, was it?”

I thought back to my previous, brief relationships. “Yes, I suppose she was.” The pronoun slipped out before I remembered where I was, but Becky didn’t bat an eye.

“Always the most difficult one. I’m sure, given time, you’ll find another nice young lady – or gentleman. Speaking of which, you might want to go and rescue your friend.” I turned, to see Kate cornered by a guy who looked to be around our age. he seemed to be doing most of the talking, but Kate didn’t look particularly bothered by that. “It was lovely to meet you.”

“You too,” I replied, before walking over to Kate.

“Hey,” she said, turning to me. “Ready to head home?”

“As long as I’m not interrupting anything important.”

“Of course not.” The look I got from the guy suggested he disagreed. “Jacob and I were just chatting.”

A couple of minutes later, we were headed back to Kate’s dorm. “So, that Jacob guy seems to like you.” I began.

“Everyone likes me,” Kate replied with a grin, “I’m very likable.”

“No, I mean he _likes_ you. I give it a few weeks, a month tops before he asks you out.”

Kate looked skeptical. “No-one’s _ever_ asked me out. Are you sure?”

“It was Becky with the coffee who first suggested it, so I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

“Oh… So, what should I do if he does ask me?”

“Do you like him?”

“I guess…”

“You should probably try and come up with a better answer than that before he does ask, for starters. Other than that, well, I don’t suppose I need to tell you to take things slowly.”

Kate blushed a little. “No, you don’t.”

“Then just be sure he knows that too, and… have fun!”

Kate nodded slowly. “Okay. I suppose that if I want to get married and have children, I’m going to have to go on a first date sooner or later.”

“That, or let your parents arrange a marriage for you.”

Kate shuddered. “Perish the thought!”

We spent a few hours just hanging out in her room, chatting. It occurred to me that, before that weekend, I’d hardly spent any time one-on-one with Kate. It was good to know that we had a friendship outside of our little group with Max – and later Vic. It was clear that Kate’s new BFF had done some serious growing up over the last year, and I was glad – for both of them. I even got comfortable enough to confess to Kate about Jess, even though I was unsure what her response would be.

“I’m not going to judge you, Dana,” she told me, seeing my nervousness. “I don’t expect other people to conform to _my_ beliefs. You’re not hurting anyone, and this isn’t something you’ve rushed into. Sure, I doubt that Max would be thrilled, but at the end of the day this is what you both agreed to. If you were going to stay alone for the next four years, what was the point of going through the pain of that breakup? Oh, and don’t worry, she won’t hear about this from me.”

“Thanks for understanding, Kate. You’re a good friend. I don’t want to hurt Max, but I guess it’s inevitable that the first time one of us finds someone new, it’s going to cause the other pain. Even now, I know I wouldn’t be happy to hear about her having a new girlfriend, but we all deserve a little happiness.” I paused. “You should think about what I said about that Jacob guy; maybe you’re going to be the next of us to get coupled up – unless Vic is seeing someone? I’m guessing not, given last night.”

“I honestly don’t know,” said Kate. “Tori _has_ mentioned going on dates a couple of times, but she hasn’t said anything to suggest a more serious relationship.”

“Well, even she deserves to find herself a nice guy – or girl; I’m not actually sure what her preference is.” I checked the time on my phone and then got up. “I should get going if I don’t want to miss my bus. Thanks for having me to stay, and for listening.”

“You’re very welcome,” Kate said as I picked up my bag, then gave me a quick hug. “You want me to walk you to the bus station?”

“Nah, I’ll be fine. Besides, I don’t want to distract you from your assignment any longer.” Kate made a face at me. “I’ll see you again soon, though.”

“I’d like that,” she said, holding the door for me.

“Until then,” I told her.

“Until then,” Kate agreed.

* * *

I’d opened my laptop planning to call Kate, but stopped cold when I saw Dana’s entry on my Skype contact list blink online. It had been more than three moths, and clearly we’d both been hesitant about reaching out. I was worried that our friendship was irreparably damaged, but at the same time I desperately missed it. Missed… her. I took a deep breath and, before I could second-guess myself, clicked the call icon. The next few seconds passed in agonizing slowness, and then Dana’s beautiful face filled my screen.

“Hey,” she said softly.

“Hey,” I said in return. An awkward silence stretched out between us. “So, uh, how’ve you been?”

“Okay, I guess. I’m still enjoying the dancing, and my other classes too. I’ve made some friends, so I’m not too lonesome.”

“Good, that’s good.” I was cringing at my own words. In a desperate attempt to break the ice, I asked, “so, did Jess actually make a move on you?” Dana flushed, and I felt a sudden stab of jealousy. “Oh my god, you slept with her?”

“Yeah,” she admitted. “I mean, I put her off for well over a month, but… by then we’d become good friends, and I was really horny, so… what the fuck was the point of us breaking up if we were never going to move on?”

“I guess.” That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, though.

“Look, it’s not serious, we’re just friends with benefits. Neither of us wants an actual relationship right now; I’m not sure what Jess’ reasons are, but I’m just not ready to replace you yet.”

That declaration warmed me a little. “I suppose that’s alright, then.” I realized something. “I’m actually not sure whether I’m more jealous of Jess, or of the fact that you’re getting some.”

That surprised a laugh from Dana. “Poor Max; have you been as chaste as Kate since you got back to the West Coast?”

“Worse; she has a boyfriend now, or haven’t you heard?” I said, smiling in spite of myself. “Anyway, maybe come the New Year, I’ll be ready to start thinking about how to change that.”

“Good. I want you to be happy – or, at least, less frustrated. Speaking of which, a little bird tells me that you may have a bit of a crush on your roommate.”

My eyes narrowed. “Kate has a big mouth and an over-active imagination.”

“So it’s true, then.” Clearly Dana had picked up on my defensive tone.

I sighed. “Fine, yes, I think Monica is incredibly cute. Plus, she gave me a shoulder to cry on within two minutes of meeting me, and she’s become a really great friend. But she’s straight, so… nothing’s ever going to happen.”

“You’re in college,” said Dana dismissively, “no woman is entirely straight.”

I snorted. “That’s just a mix of clichés and wishful thinking.”

“Okay, fine, but you won’t know unless you try.”

“And if I fail, then I could lose the only decent friend I have in a couple of thousand miles, and make my living situation unbearable for the rest of the year. It’s not worth the risk.”

Dana nodded slowly. “I can’t argue with that. Some things are worth the risk… but some things aren’t worth risking.”

Behind me, I heard a key in the door, and then a moment later Monica’s, “hi, Max!” I turned as she came over, and her eyes landed on the screen. “Well, hello…” she drawled.

Dana grinned as I introduced them. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said.

“Likewise; I’ve heard so much about you, but now I can _see_ why Max was so reluctant to leave New York. Look, I’m sorry for interrupting. I can give you two some privacy…”

I waved off the offer. “Nah, that’s fine. A chaperone might not be a bad idea.”

“As long as you’re sure,” she said, as she went over to collapse onto her bed.

On the screen, Dana tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at me in a big, exaggerated gesture. I simply rolled my eyes in return. We both knew that with Monica in earshot it was time to change the subject. That was fine; we had plenty of catching up to do.

* * *

I lay back next to Jess in a pleasant post-coital haze, a welcome back after spending a couple of weeks at home over the Christmas break. I’d missed Dot terribly, and if having to put up with my mother was the price of seeing my sister, that was always one I’d be willing to pay. My thoughts drifted back to my conversation with Max a month or so earlier, and I realized that it had been three months since I started this little dalliance.

I propped myself up on one shoulder and looked down at Jess. “Are you still okay with this?” I asked her.

“Hmmm?”

“Us just being ‘friends with benefits’. You don’t want something more?”

“No; why, do you?”

I shook my head. “No, a part of me is still hung up on Max. I don’t think I’m ready for a new love just yet. I just thought that I should check in; it’s been a few months, and I know that people often develop feelings in these situations, even if they don’t intend to.”

“You don’t need to worry about that with me,” she said, reaching out to run a hand across my bare skin. “Look, there’s something I should probably tell you. I’m simply not interested in women that way.”

“Wait, what?”

“I would describe myself as bisexual, but heteroromantic. I get the hots for both men and women – mostly women, if I’m honest – but when it comes to romance… I want a guy every time.”

“So… why not a guy now?”

“Because as much as I want the husband and two point four children, that’s ‘someday’. Right now, I want to be a dancer; that’s my focus for at least the next ten years. A serious relationship would be a distraction, and sex involving a penis comes with the risk of a career-ending pregnancy. I don’t want to end up like Nancy on _Weeds_ – two kids, a dead husband, and a dancing career that was over before it began; selling pot to make ends meet.”

“I think that’s pretty much the worst-case scenario,” I pointed out, laughing.

“I know, but right now this,” she gestured at the two of us, “gives me everything I need. You’re a great friend, and you’re fantastic in bed.” I blushed a little, and she took on a more serious tone. “Listen, when the time comes that _you_ need something more, just say the word and I’ll bow out, I promise. I don’t want to get in the way of your happiness.”

I smiled at her. “I hope that when that time _does_ come, we can at least stay friends.”

“Count on it. I’ll miss your body; I won’t want to miss the rest of you as well. And speaking of your body…” She leaned over, and wrapped her lips around one of my nipples. I let out a low moan, and decided that we’d discussed the subject more than adequately.

* * *

February 14th wasn’t a day I was expecting to mark this year. In fact my plan had been to try and ignore it altogether – a futile exercise given the rampant commercialism surrounding what is a rapidly becoming more Hallmark than holiday. I certainly wasn’t expecting to find a Valentine’s card waiting for me when I finally decided I couldn’t hide in bed any longer. It was beautifully hand-drawn, and certainly more cutesy than romantic. I had no idea who it might be from.

It was only when I got back from the shower that I realized there was a more pressing question – how had the card gotten onto my bedside table while I was asleep? Monica seemed the obvious person to ask, but I’d heard her go out well before I got up. If she didn’t know, the only alternative I could come up with was that my secret admirer was some sort of cat burglar. Not that the latter possibility sounded entirely unappealing; cat _burglar_ , cat- _suit_ … Yeah, it had definitely been too long.

Monica got back around a half hour later, clutching a shopping bag. “Hey there, sleeping beauty,” she said with a smile.

“Hey yourself,” I said, as she carefully set the bag down on her bed. “So, can you tell me anything about this?” I asked, holding up the card. Her cheeks reddened slightly, and I suddenly realized that I recognized the art style of the card – _her_ art style. “This is from you?” I was a little confused, and then a horrible thought came to me. “Is this some kind of pity card?”

“What? No!”

“Then what? You’re straight, so…”

Monica cut me off. “When exactly did I tell you that?”

“The… uh…” I couldn’t remember when. In fact, I couldn’t remember the conversation at all. It was my turn to flush. “I’m sorry, I just assumed… In my defense, you’ve never given me any cause to think otherwise. Still, my bad.”

“That’s okay,” Monica said. “You are mostly right, after all; I certainly used to think of myself as straight. While not all of my celebrity crushes were on men, all the serious ones were, and I never had a thing for a real-life girl… until now.”

“So, what, you’re bi-curious?”

“I guess, and college is the traditional time to figure that out, right?” Her eyes dropped to the floor for a moment, before she nervously added, “I was hoping maybe you could help me – if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

There was something about her expression. “Why do I have a feeling you already know the answer to that question?” Monica’s innocent look was unconvincing. “Seriously, is there anyone Kate _hasn’t_ told?”

“It isn’t just me?”

“Nope, Dana brought it up the first time I talked to her.”

“Kate told your _ex_? How did she react?”

“She told me to go for it.”

“Dana’s a smart woman, I’ve always said that about her.”

“You’ve never said that about her,” I pointed out

Monica ignored that. “Are you going to take her advice?” I didn’t reply. Instead, I got up, took a couple of steps, and kissed her. She startled backwards and I had a sudden flash back to Chloe’s bedroom. _I dare you to kiss me_.

I blinked, and the vision was gone. “Sorry,” I mumbled. Monica negated my apology by the simple expedient of kissing me back. It was no less chaste than mine, but it still gave me a buzz.

“You okay? Monica asked. You looked like you went somewhere else for a moment there.”

“Yeah, that’s… probably something we should talk about.”

“On our date, perhaps?”

“We’re going on a date?” I had visions of us being rushed through an over-priced ‘special menu’ in some jam-packed restaurant.

“Of course; it _is_ Valentine’s Day!” She gestured at her shopping bag. “I have everything we need for a picnic; I thought we could go find ourselves a spot down by the lake. I know it’s not some fancy meal…”

“No,” I said, cutting her off. “It’s _way_ better than that.”

Monica beamed at me. “Okay, then. I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

I reached out to her. “Now is good.”

Hand in hand, we made our way over to the park. Sure enough, plenty of other people had had the same idea as Monica, but it didn’t take us long to find a good spot to make ourselves comfortable. Somehow, the setting did the trick of keeping us both relaxed, and soon we were laughing and flirting. Our easy conversation was interspersed with little touches, and even feeding each other pieces of the deliciously unhealthy finger food Monica had brought.

Later, as I lay back with my head on Monica’s lap, she asked me about what had happened earlier. I told her more of what went on between Chloe and me during the week of hell, mostly just leaving out the whole time-travel thing. I then went on to explain about my PTSD, the flashbacks, and how Kate and Dana had helped me through it.

“Thankyou for trusting me with that,” she said. “If there’s ever anything I can do…”

I smiled up at her. “I’ll be sure to let you know. And if I ever freak out at an… inopportune moment, you’ll know why. Just give me a little time to calm down, and I’ll be okay.”

“Um… speaking of inopportune moments… are you okay with taking things slowly? I get that it’s been rather longer for you than it has for me…” Monica had told me the couple of times she’d had a one-night stand over the last few months. I definitely hadn’t been jealous. At all.

“Slow is good,” I confirmed. In more ways than one – but Monica could wait to find _that_ out.

* * *

It was mid-May, and I was meeting Kate and Vic for drinks and tapas at an awesome little place Jess and I had found in the Village. They were celebrating the end of their term with a weekend in New York, and I was looking forward to spending some time with my friends. Kate managed to sneak up on me while I was waiting for them, and surprised me with a hug from behind.

“Hey, Dana!”

“Hi, Kate,” I said, then turned. “Vic. It’s good to see you two.”

“Likewise,” said Vic dryly.

“Is Jess coming?” asked Kate. The two of them had met when she came up for a weekend visit earlier in the year.

I shook my head. “No, she’s upstate for a family wedding this weekend.”

“And she didn’t invite you?”

“I don’t think that plus-one invitations generally extend to friends with benefits. Besides, Jess isn’t out to all of her family; some of them are pretty conservative, and the last thing she wants is to cause drama at someone else’s wedding.”

“That’s fair. Well, tell her I said ‘hi’ when she gets back. So, drinks?”

“Definitely,” said Vic with feeling.

“Tori here isn’t a fan of public transport.”

“It’s more because of that obnoxious guy on the train,” she said, then turned to me. “He was going on and on about how he couldn’t have a serious relationship with someone who wasn’t outstandingly beautiful because he’d be bound to get bored of her, as if looks are all a woman has to offer. Ugh. I wanted to punch him.”

“What stopped you?”

“Are you kidding? Do you know how easy it is to break a nail doing that?” Kate and I both laughed. “Anyway, I need to use the bathroom. Since I’m supposed to be economizing, I’ll let you buy the drinks.”

Kate shook her head and went to the bar, returning with a large jug of sangria. The glass she put in Vic’s space was noticeably larger than the other two. “Are you trying to get Vic drunk so you can have your wicked way with her?”

Kate flushed bright red. “What? No! Just because we’re sharing a room… I’m trying to get her drunk in the hopes that she’ll spill whatever her plans for the weekend are.”

“You’re sharing a room? That’s what Vic meant by economizing?”

“Yeah, except it’s not really economizing if you’re in the Waldorf Astoria.”

I couldn’t help sniggering at that. “You do realize that Vic is totally loaded, right?”

“I know, I just… don’t want to feel like I’m taking advantage of the fact that she’s still carrying around a load of guilt about what happened at Blackwell. Seriously, you should see our new apartment. No way does what I’ll be paying cover even a quarter of the rent on that.”

“Why let her get away with that, then?”

“Because it’s a _really_ nice apartment. Plus Tori’s room is, like, twice the size of mine, with an en-suite and a closet that I’m pretty sure leads to Narnia.”

We were still laughing about that when Vic got back. She didn’t comment on her over-sized drink, but neither did she give up her secrets, despite Kate keeping her glass topped up as we made our way through a wide selection of Spanish food. It was pretty late when we finally left, and Vic was leaning heavily on Kate.

“You need a hand?” I asked

“Nah, I’m used to getting Drunk Tori home.”

“Ish true!” Vic confirmed.

“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

The next morning, we met up on Fifth Avenue. It turned out that step one of Vic’s plan was going shopping for designer clothes on her dime. Naturally, I was all over that, even if Kate seemed a little uncomfortable with the idea. Still, she did a great job of picking stuff out for us, and Vic found her this gorgeous empire-waisted dress that made Kate look like something out of Jane Austen. We had lunch at some super-fancy French place, which led to Kate having a bit of a go at Vic for how much money she was spending on us. Feeling a little awkward, I excused myself, and they seemed to have worked things out by the time I got back.

We headed to their hotel to beautify ourselves for our evening trip to Broadway, and take selfies in our awesome new outfits. Vic was still playing her cards close to the chest as she led us across town, so when Kate saw the billboard for _Wicked_ , she practically screamed. I wasn’t quite as excited as that, but if I’d had the money to spare for theater tickets I would probably have already seen it. Anyway, the show lived up to its reputation; Kate was pretty much walking on air afterwards, and Vic kept stealing glances at her with an expression like she’d aced some impossible test.

We met up again for Sunday lunch – I’d suggested a picnic in Central Park as being a nice, relaxing way to pass a few hours. It also had the benefit of restraining Vic’s spending habits, which Kate seemed grateful for. Watching the two of them together, it was obvious how close they’d become. I know that Max still has her doubts about Vic, but after that weekend, I don’t; they’re clearly good for each other. All too soon, it was time for them to head back to Philadelphia, and then Kate at least would be heading home for the summer. We made promises to see each other in the fall, and I waved them off at the station before hurrying back to my tiny apartment; I had a bunch more Gelphie fics to read.

* * *

There are worse ways to wake up than because the naked woman pressed up against you is getting restless. Monica and I didn’t often share a bed due to the simple logic that the two of us in a twin bed wasn’t terribly conducive to a good night’s sleep, and there was barely ten feet between out beds anyway. Now, though, term was over, so there were no classes we needed to be awake and alert for. Plus, we were both heading back north the next day, so stocking up on physical closeness was on top of the agenda.

I nuzzled into Monica’s neck, and she pulled me up for a languid kiss. “Morning, Max.”

“Good morning yourself,” I replied, trailing a hand over her. It was clear that neither of us was in a hurry to get up and start packing. We’d signed up to share again the next year, and had been assigned the same room, so at least we only had to pack stuff we’d want over the summer. That would leave plenty of time for… other activities. There was also a conversation we needed to have; the same one I’d repeatedly put off back in August. At least this time the stakes weren’t as high.

Clearly Monica had the same thought. “So, we should probably talk,” she said.

“Yeah.” I decided to come right out and say it. “I don’t want to break up. I mean, if that’s what _you_ want, then of course…”

“It isn’t. I mean, not at the moment. I’m not going to promise I still feel that way in a couple of months’ time. Don’t get me wrong, I really like what we have, but I’m still pretty sure that I’m mostly straight.”

“Okay, so no expectations. We see how we feel at the end of the summer. If we both want to carry on like this, then great. But if one of us is no longer comfortable with that, then we go back to being besties.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Monica agreed, then leaned forward to press her lips to mine.

* * *

Summer with my parents was a bit weird. It was the first time I’d been home for more than a week since I stared at Blackwell, and none of us had quite adjusted. I felt like an adult, but they were still treating me like a teenager. Arbitrary rules didn’t sit well after being more in control of my life for the past couple of years. I was actually glad that the summer job I’d lined up meant I was mostly out on the weekends. I was working at the local art supplies shop where I’d used to pick up the film packs for my camera; it was actually pretty fun, and the owner was a decent guy who paid me better than I’d be getting at some chain store.

The downside was that Dana was working too, and our schedules were very much out of sync. It was mid July before we managed to find a couple of days when we were both off, so she could drive up from Portland to visit. It was great to see her, but also awkward. We were both suddenly unsure of how to relate to each other, what amount of physical affection was okay. I can only imagine how Dana felt about meeting the parents _after_ we’d broken up. Still, by the end of the second day we’d both managed to relax and, if nothing else, reassured each other that our friendship was still on solid ground.

I’d arranged to finish work a couple of weeks before I needed to head back to college, just to give me some time to relax; instead, I decided to fly to LA early. I badly needed to have some time to myself – I’d been fighting a losing battle all summer to convince Mom that she really needed to knock before coming into my room. Naturally, my arrival back at Echo Park coincided with a heatwave that completely overwhelmed the dorm building’s air-conditioning. That was why when I heard a key in the lock, I was lounging on my bed, reading a book, stark naked.

Monica dragged her case into our room. “Hey!” she said excitedly as she closed the door behind her. Then, her head snapped round to look at me in a spectacular double-take. “Well, I suddenly feel over-dressed.”

I dropped my book, and prowled over to her. “Perhaps I could help you with that…” I said, in my best seductive voice.

Monica nodded. “That would speed things up.” She pulled her T-shirt over her head, while I popped the button on her Jeans.

A couple of hours later, we were lying tangled together on her bed. “I guess that answers the question of whether we want to stay together or not,” I murmured.

“Oh, I think that’s a yes.” Monica sniggered. “I actually ran into my ex over the summer. He was all, ‘hey, we used to date, and I’m single right now, so we should totally fuck’, and I was like, ‘sorry, but I have a hot girlfriend back in LA’. That might have been stretching the truth a little, but it was _so_ worth it to see the expression on his face!” We shared a laugh.

“I did actually see Dana for a couple of days, and that was hella awkward at first, but I think we figured out how to be just friends. Weird thing is, even if I didn’t have you, I don’t think I’d have tried to get her into bed.”

Monica shrugged. “Life moved on, for all of us.”

“Yeah, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what the next year brings.”

* * *

Like last year, I went down to Philadelphia to help Kate and Vic mark the anniversary of that fateful Vortex Club party. It was Vic who collected me from the Greyhound station this time. “Kate’s out with her boyfriend,” Vic explained. “He got cranky about us making tomorrow night a girls-only thing, so they’re having dinner this evening.”

“I guess I’ll see her later, then. I assume she won’t be staying over at his place?”

Vic laughed. “No, this _is_ Kate we’re talking about.” Her expression darkened, “although I’m sure she would if Jacob had his way,” she muttered.

I shot a look at her. “Should I be concerned?”

Vic shrugged. “I’m not sure. I just get the feeling that he’s not as committed to the abstinence pledge as Kate is; there’s just this vibe I get from him. Last month they went away on a weekend trip and, even though Jacob swore he’d booked separate rooms, they somehow ended up having to share a twin.” She sighed. “Maybe it’s just my jealousy talking. Despite the fact that we’re living together now, I feel like I see less of Kate than I did last year.”

“She does really like him, though, right? She didn’t only start going out with him because he was the first guy to ask her? It’s just, when I first saw him this time last year, he was already clearly into Kate, and she was completely oblivious. Plus, she wasn’t exactly mooning over him when we talked during the summer.”

“I don’t know,” said Vic, “and I can’t decide whether it’s a good idea to talk to her about my concerns or not.”

“Almost certainly not; I get the distinct impression that meddling in other people’s relationships is one of those things that never ends well for anyone.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” She shook her head. “Anyway, how are things with you and Jess?”

“Same ol’ same ol’. Still good friends having plenty of hot sex. You know how it is.”

Vic gave me a non-committal shrug as she led me into the apartment block. A couple of flights of stairs later, we reached their place. I sighed with envy as I looked around; my entire apartment would have easily fitted into their main room – twice. To the right of the entrance was a good-sized dining table, and beyond that a well-appointed kitchen; to the left, a large couch and a couple of recliners, with a big flat-screen TV on the wall. On the other walls, there were some framed photo prints which looked like they might be Vic’s work, and some drawings which I was pretty sure were Kate’s.

“Nice digs,” I told Vic.

“It certainly beats the student dorms. The couch is a sleeper, so you should be more comfortable than last year. Hungry?”

“Ravenous,” I said. Hanging out with Vic while she fixed us some pasta was fun. She seems a lot more relaxed nowadays, and even turned out to have developed a sense of humor that extended beyond sarcasm. When Kate got home an hour or two later, we were still sat at the table talking, and starting on our second bottle of wine. She gave me a quick hug, then poured herself a glass.

“You okay?” asked Vic, a concerned look on her.

“Yeah,” said Kate, somewhat dejectedly. “It’s just… we went to a new restaurant, and the food wasn’t all that great. Plus Jacob was whinging about me spending the weekend with you guys, like the two of us weren’t going away together _next_ weekend.”

Vic reached out to rest a hand on hers. “I’m sorry, Kate.”

“S’okay, Tori. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.”

It was. We went to the same 80s night at the same club as the previous year, but this time there were no asshats trying to get their grope on – not that I was planning on pushing Vic at any guys after _that_ fiasco. We even decamped to the same coffee shop to cool down afterwards. “It’s a shame Max couldn’t’ve been here as well,” I mused.

“You just want to share the sofabed with her,” said Kate with a mischievous grin.

“Actually, no; when we met up over the summer, there was a conspicuous lack of sexual tension between us. I’m not saying I’d be averse to getting back together if the opportunity arose, but right now I’m actually content with us just being friends. Besides, she seems pretty happy with Monica at the moment.”

“I’m glad. You two were both miserable a year ago.”

“A lot has changed since then,” I told her.

“True,” agreed Vic. “So, same time next year, then?”

* * *

It was the afternoon of New Year’s Day and, thanks to my family being almost as good a bad influence as Chloe used to be, I was only just getting past my hangover. I squinted at my phone to make out a message from Kate, asking if I had time to chat. Smiling, I opened my laptop and fired up Skype.

“You look terrible!” said Kate when the call connected.

“And a ‘Happy New Year’ to you too,” I grumbled. “We had my aunt, uncle, and cousins here for New Year’s Eve, and the wine was perhaps flowing a little too freely.” I took a large gulp from the bottle of water I had on hand.

“I’m sorry. I can call back later if you like.”

“Nah, that’s okay. The Tylenol finally kicked in, and I’m feeling much better than I did this morning. What’s up?”

“It’s… Victoria. We had a fight last weekend, and I’ve been dodging her calls since then, but I’m going back to Philly tomorrow, so I can’t avoid her much longer. I don’t know what to do, Max.”

I knew it must be serious, because I hadn’t heard Kate use Victoria’s full name in over a year. “Tell me all about it. What did she do?”

“Why do you assume it’s something _she_ did?” I didn’t have the chance to apologize before she continued, “you’re right, though.” She launched into a long, rambling explanation of what had happened. When she was done, I took a few seconds to digest it.

“So, to sum up: you left Victoria talking to Ruth, your sister was worried about you and asked what was going on. Victoria told her about your break-up and asked her to keep an eye on you over Christmas, but did ask her not to tell any of the rest of your family.”

“Yeah.”

“So, basically, you’re mad at Victoria for _not_ lying to your sister to cover up _your_ big giant lie of omission – that she didn’t even know about.”

Kate just looked at me for a few seconds. “You think I overreacted?”

“Much as I hate to defend Victoria, yes.”

Kate sighed. “You’re right. Ugh. I don’t like that I did that; I promised Tori I’d put my mistrust of her in the past, and yet there I was, immediately thinking the worst of her. It seems I owe her a serious apology.”

“Well, there’s no need to go overboard…”

“Max…” Kate began, with a warning tone. “I know that you still have a problem with Tori, but I really need you to get over it – or at least keep it to yourself. Even if you were a little bit on her side today, I could really live without you making snide remarks about my best friend at every opportunity.”

I blinked at her. “Okay, I guess that’s fair,” I admitted at last. “I’m sorry, I’ll try and keep myself in check.”

“That’s all I ask. Thanks for talking it through with me, though. I appreciate it.”

“Hey, what are ex-best friends for?”

* * *

The New Year always gets me thinking. I know plenty of people mark it by making resolutions – which more often seem like aspirations – but I see it as an annual reminder to reflect on my life. To spend a week or two thinking about who I am, what I want, and where I’m going. I rarely find any concrete answers, but the process helps me come up with some more realistic goals for the year ahead.

This time was no different, but I wasn’t entirely sure I liked one of the realizations I’d come to. We were into the back end of January when Jess picked up on my mood. We were sat in my apartment, drinking cups of coffee – this was unusual in itself; normally when we came back to one of our places, it was because we were planning on heading straight to bed.

“So, what’s up?” she asked. “You’ve been kinda quiet since the start of the year.”

I sighed. “Jess, I’ve been thinking…”

“A dangerous pastime.” 

“I know,” I responded with the ghost of a smile. “Seriously, though, about my past, my future….”

Jess looked me straight in the eye, as if trying to read my mind. “You’re finally over Max, aren’t you?” she said at last. I opened my mouth to reply, but it was clearly rhetorical. “Maybe not completely,” she carried on, “but enough. Enough that you’re ready for something more than… this.” She gestured between the two of us.

“Yeah,” I admitted, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She reached out to cover my hand. “We talked about this back when we first got together. Honestly? We’ve already lasted longer than I expected.”

I let out a relieved sigh. “Thanks for understanding. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, and if you were interested in a more serious relationship I’d totally be up for that – but I respect that it’s not, so I’m not going to push. Instead, I need to start looking elsewhere, and that means that our ‘benefits’ are going to have to come to an end sooner or later. Well, unless I meet someone particularly broad-minded; and even then, somehow I don’t think you’d want that.”

“No, I don’t want to be anyone’s second choice. So, how do you want to this? Stop right now? Wait until you meet someone? And by ‘right now’, I mean ‘after we have one last marathon fuck session’.”

I laughed. “Is it selfish that I’m leaning towards the latter option?”

“Not as long as you continue to be honest. We can carry on as normal, but with the understanding that we’re both actively looking for other people, and that either of us could end our physical relationship without further warning. That could be just because you get close enough to someone else that you’re no longer comfortable with this continuing – or if one of us gets past first base.”

“Makes sense,” I agreed. We’d had that last rule from the beginning; monogamy for sexual health reasons.

“Damn,” said Jess, reflectively, “this is finally happening. I’m going to miss you.”

Looking her directly in the eye, I began unbuttoning my top. “Not yet, you don’t have to. Didn’t you say something about a ‘marathon fuck session’?”

“That was if this was going to be our last time.”

“It still might be.”

Jess raised any eyebrow. “You planning on working that fast?”

“No,” I said, sliding the top off, then reaching around to unhook my bra, “but if that cute freshman you can’t keep your eyes off makes a move on you tomorrow, are you seriously going to blow her off, now?”

“Er…” Jess’ eyes had dropped to my chest. I smirked.

“For future reference, the correct answer is ‘no, I’d drag her to bed, and call you in the morning to let you know the deal is off.’”

Jess snorted. “ _I’m_ not planning on moving that fast.”

“Good,” I told her, getting up and popping the button on my jeans. “Now, are you going to help me out of these, or what?” 

* * *

It was late March, and time to think about accommodation for the next year. When I leafed through the college dorm brochure, though, I discovered that the shared rooms were reserved for freshmen and sophomores. That meant Monica and I were going to have to get separate ones – not something I liked the sound of. I brought it up with her that evening. She digested the news slowly before making her careful response.

“Perhaps this is for the best.”

“What?”

“Look, we both know that this was never meant to be a long term thing. It was a way for you to get over Dana, and me to try and figure out my sexuality. I won’t deny that it’s become something more, but it’s still not destined to last. Maybe this is our chance to make a clean break.” She reached out, and tenderly brushed away the tears which were leaking from my eyes. “Please don’t cry. You deserve to be with someone who can love you without reservation – and so do I.”

I wrapped my arms around Monica, and buried my head in her shoulder. She hugged me tightly, and we just stayed like that until I managed to find my voice. “You’re right, of course, it’s just… hard to go though this for the second time in less than two years.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, but I _do_ get it.”

“Your douche of an ex, right. I’m sorry too, I’m not making this any easier.” I took a deep breath. “So, what’s the plan?” 

“We carry on as normal – or, at least, as close to normal as we can manage – until the end of term. Then, we say our goodbyes, and hope that the summer gives us enough time to get over each other so that we can still be friends when we come back.” Then, more uncertainly, “assuming that’s something you want, of course…”

“Absolutely,” I told her without hesitation. “Whatever else happens, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“Me neither. And the rest of the plan?”

“You know me, I’m all about putting things off until the last possible minute; why should our break-up be any different?”

“Good.” Monica leaned forward to kiss me. “I’d like to take you to bed, now. Not to make love, just… to hold you. I really need to be close to you.”

By way of reply, I stripped off, then walked over to her bed and climbed in. A moment later, Monica joined me, pressing her body against my back, wrapping an arm around me. Neither of us said anything more. I certainly didn’t say the three words that were on the tip of my tongue. It wouldn’t be fair, not now, not when I’d suddenly been thrown into doubt as to _how_.

I love Monica. I love Dana, and Chloe. I love my parents and grandparents. I love Kate. I love Joyce and William. I certainly don’t love them all the same way, and those loves have changed over time. With Chloe, it was the fierce love of BFF, until that second F turned out to be a lie; later it became romantic, until all-too-swiftly that was snatched away to become a memory. With my parents, it’s the worshipful adoration of a child slowly becoming the more mature friendship of fellow adults.

With Monica, I wasn’t even sure how I felt, because deep down I’d always known that day was coming. But, if I could find my way from romantic love to platonic love with Dana, I’m sure I can do it again.

If my time at Blackwell taught me anything, it’s that having the people you love in your life in _any_ way is better than not having them at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Five](/works/13286709/chapters/34528008) of Fallin’ to Pieces.


	10. Sucking Back a Cigarette

It was a rather fine spring morning, so I was hanging out with my friend Ferdi in the tiny little park next to the dance studio, drinking coffee and watching the world go by. I’d headed more into the realm of daydreams, when he nudged me. “Hey, isn’t that your girlfriend?”

“I’ve told you, she’s not my girlfriend,” I said, not bothering to open my eyes. “We just have an arrangement.”

“Suit yourself, but if I saw Karl hanging out with a cute young thing like that, I’d have something to say to him.” That did get my attention. I looked up, and saw Jess on the other side of the park, getting all flirty with that freshman she’d had her eye on. They were holding hands, and as I watched, the girl went in for a kiss. “Yeah, I’d be using my Serious Words,” Ferdi added.

I snorted. Probably not the usual reaction to seeing your lover making out with another woman, but we didn’t exactly have a usual relationship. When she came up for air, Jess’ eyes caught mine. There was a flash of something in them – sorrow, regret maybe – then she gave a significant glance toward her companion, sliding her hand up the girl’s body to stroke the side of her breast. I gave her a small nod, then added a saucy wink for good measure. Jess gave me a smile then returned to the more interesting business close at hand.

Ferdi had obviously been watching this entire exchange, because he asked me, “what was that about?”

“Jess and I broke up.”

“Just like that?” he asked in disbelief.

“Just like that. We talked about it a few weeks ago, but put it on hold until one of us found someone new. She was letting me know that’s what’s happened.”

“With a significant look?”

“Well, it was the boob graze that sealed the deal,” I told him, then explained our long standing past-first-base rule.

“And you’re okay with it being over just like that?” 

I shrugged. “It was never that serious a relationship. We were friends, and we’ll still _be_ friends; we’re just not going to be having sex any more. I was never in love with Jess, I was still in love with Max.”

“Max was your girlfriend from high school, right?”

“Yeah, it was a really intense relationship, and it took me way too long to get over her. Now that I’m ready to move on… I guess the fact that things weren’t _completely_ finished with Jess was still holding me back, so I’m actually glad that we’re done.”

Ferdi nodded slowly. “I suppose that makes sense. I just think that if Karl were to break up with me… man, I’d be in pieces.”

“Well, if that does happen, give me a call. I’m handy with a dustpan and brush!”

“Thanks, Dana,” he said, with a heavy dose of sarcasm – but there was a smile twitching at his lips.

* * *

I didn’t actually expect him to take me up on it; Ferdi was totally smitten, and Karl had seemed pretty devoted too, the couple of times I’d seen them together. But, late one evening, just after the end of term, Ferdi showed up at my apartment in tears. It took me a while to get the full story out of him, but it seemed that he’d been out clubbing with a bunch of friends, and had run into Karl – who had claimed to be busy that evening – dancing with some other guy. Apparently it had been going on for months.

“Karl said he was glad I finally knew,” Ferdi told me, once he’d calmed down a little, “that he hated all the lying and the sneaking around behind my back. That he and… that guy could finally be together.”

I put an arm around him. “What a complete dick; if he hated it that much, he could have just told you.”

“Exactly! You know what he said when I pointed that out?” I shook my head. “‘I didn’t want to hurt you, babe, I love you too much.’ Just, not enough to stay faithful.” Then, bitterly, “or to stay at all.” He started crying again, and I encouraged him to lie down, curled up with his head on my lap.

“You know what really sucks?” he asked, rhetorically. “I thought we were moving forward. We’d picked out an apartment we were going to move into together next year. I put down the deposit on it last week; he couldn’t make it, so the place is only in my name. That means the that from August I’m on the hook for a year of rent that there’s no way I can afford by myself.”

“Wow, that’s a _really_ shitty thing to do. It’s not like you can even find someone to share if it’s a place you were supposed to be living in as a couple.”

“Actually… that’s not impossible – Karl isn’t out to his parents, and they visit every couple of months, so we made sure to pick somewhere with a second bedroom. But we’re past the end of term, so pretty much everyone already has their accommodation sorted for next year or is heading home. I guess I could advertise for a freshman, but I’m not keen on sharing with someone I don’t know…”

That got me thinking. I had been planning on staying here; it was fractionally bigger than the place I’d had in my first year, and the rent wasn’t unreasonable for what it was; certainly some cursory searching hadn’t turned up any better deals. Still, I hadn’t actually gotten around to formally renewing my contract. “Just how big is this place,” I asked, “where is it, and how much is the rent?”

“Well, the bedrooms are pretty tiny, but the main room is about the size of your entire place, and the bathroom’s bigger than yours, too – plus it actually has a bath.” He showed me some photos on his phone; it looked nice enough. It sounded like the location was more convenient for college as well, and the rent was only slightly more than double what I was currently paying, so I could easily afford half of it. Ferdi and I had been hanging out a fair bit the past couple of months, so we knew that we got on, and I had been getting kinda lonesome living by myself.

“How would you like to be roomies?” I asked him.

* * *

The first few weeks back in Seattle were… not fun. I was missing Monica something awful, and there wasn’t really anyone for me to talk to; I’d drifted apart from the few friends I made while I was at school there. Mom and Dad were both stressed out at work so I didn’t want to add to their load. Thankfully, I’d snagged the same summer job as last year, and was picking up extra shifts due to staff shortages, so I was mostly too busy – or too tired – to think about the sorry state of my love life. Then, I got a message from Dana saying that she was going to be home for a couple of weeks to spend some time with her family. I managed to arrange a few days off, and booked a Greyhound down to Portland.

Dana met me at the bus station, took one look at me, and pulled me into a big hug. I practically melted into her – then burst into tears. She simply held me for a long time, gently rubbing my back. “Monica really broke your heart, didn’t she?” Dana asked at last. I nodded against her shoulder, not trusting my voice. She didn’t stay anything more, just held me until I was ready to let go.

“Thanks,” I said, “I needed that. It’s _so_ good to see you again.”

“You too,” Dana told me, taking my arm and leading my over to her battered old car. “So, tell me what happened.”

“Elsie warned me not to fall for a straight girl, but that’s exactly what I went and did. I certainly didn’t mean to; Monica was supposed to be a rebound for me, and an experiment for her. Somewhere along the way, very gradually, it became something more, and I didn’t even realize it until she was saying we should break up. I’m sure she didn’t know how hard it was going to hit me, and I hope it’s stayed that way, but that doesn’t stop me feeling like shit.” I sighed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all this on you.”

Dana shot me a smile. “Hey, what are friends for?”

“I think it’s above-and-beyond to help your ex get over her next relationship ending. Speaking of which, how are _you_ doing?”

“Just fine, I’m afraid. I mean, it sucks a little that I don’t get to hang out with Jess as much, now she’s got a new lover, and I _do_ miss the sex, but… I’m not broken up about it. We had a thing, and it ran its course. I’m ready to get back in the game, hopefully find something a bit more serious.”

“That’s good.” I was genuinely happy for her. If falling for Monica had an upside, it was that it had erased the last trace of jealousy I had around Dana. “Oh, and did you hear Kate’s got a new boyfriend?”

Dana smiled. “Yeah, Vic mentioned it last time we talked; she seemed to approve of him, so hopefully that’s a good sign.” We pulled up in front of a suburban house, and she led me inside; the moment the door closed, a pre-teen girl came barreling into the hall and hugged Dana. “I’ve barely been gone for an hour,” she said, ruffling her sister’s hair. “Dot, this is my friend Max.” I’d seen her a couple of times before on Skype chats, and I saw recognition in her eye.

“It’s nice to finally meet you in person,” I said.

“You too! You can come and play with me while my sister makes dinner.” Dana shot me an amused look as I was dragged off. I wasn’t really sure what I was in for, but it turned out to be watching while she played some version of The Sims. She showed off the various houses she’d built, and asked my advice on outfits. Then, out of the blue, she said, “you used to be my sister’s girlfriend, didn’t you?”

“Uh…” I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that.

“It’s okay, she doesn’t know I figured it out, and I’m not going to tell Mom and Dad. I know they wouldn’t like it if they knew she dates girls as well as boys. She used to talk about you _all the time_ , and then she was really sad after you spent the spent the summer together in New York and she didn’t really talk about you any more.”

“I was really sad too.” I didn’t know what else to stay.

“Why did you break up, then?” I gulped, uncertain how much Dana would want me to share. Eventually, I simply settled on telling Dot that I was at college in Los Angeles. She made an ‘oh!’ face. “I guess it would have been way too hard for you to see each other?”

“Yes, but I’m glad we’re still friends.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re not sad any more.” She looked at me more closely. “You still look sad.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “That’s nothing to do with your sister. I had a girlfriend in LA, but she broke up with me at the end of term.”

“Why?”

“She decided that she prefers boys.”

“I’m sorry.” She turned away from her game and gave me a hug. “Maybe you should get back together with my sister.”

I laughed. “Unfortunately we’re still going to college on opposite sides of the country for the next couple of years.”

“Maybe after that, then.”

“Maybe.”

Duncan and Denise got home not long after that, and we all sat down for dinner. Taking my cue from Dot, when the polite parental interrogation began, I refrained from saying anything which might suggest that Dana and I had ever been anything more than friends, and my recent breakup became with my long-term _boy_ friend. Dana gave me a look that was both surprised and grateful. Dot merely smirked at me.

I didn’t get the chance to talk to Dana alone until much later. There was an air mattress and sleeping bag set up on the floor of her room, but somehow I ended up playing the little spoon in her bed. A very pleasant turn of events, even if we were both wearing considerably more than the last time we’d done that. “So, uh, thanks for not dropping me in it with the parents. I completely forgot to tell you I’m still not out to them. I can’t risk it until Dot leaves home; they’d probably cut me off from her.”

“She’s the one who reminded me, actually.”

“Wait… what?” I wriggled around until I was facing her. “Dot knows that I’m bi?”

“Yup, and that we used to be girlfriends. Don’t worry, though, she’s a smart kid; she knows not to tell your folks.”

“Why did she never tell me?”

“Maybe she was waiting for _you_ to tell _her_ – to trust her. She’s rooting for us to get back together, by the way.”

“Gawd. What did you say to _that_?” Dana asked.

“I told her that we can’t, not now, for the same reasons we broke up in the first place. So, expect her to start pestering you about it when we’re done with college.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.” She rubbed noses with me. “You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now.”

“Oh, I have a very good idea. It’s probably about as badly as I want to kiss you. But neither of us is going to do that, because we’d be bound to wake up old feelings.”

“And that would make the fact that in a couple of days you head back to Seattle, and that we probably won’t see each other for another year, unbearably painful. I hate it when you’re right.”

“So do I.”

We were woken the next morning by Dot, who seemed entirely too pleased about finding us sharing a bed; I have a feeling she’s already planning on being our bridesmaid someday. She ended up hanging out with us pretty much the entire weekend, which was fine with me. It was obvious how much the two sisters adore each other, and it was nice to see that side of Dana.

She also made for an excellent chaperone, which was good, because the sexual tension which had been surprisingly absent the previous summer was back with a vengeance. I guess that was to do with the fact that we were both sort-of in relationships the last time we saw each other; that was no longer the case. In the end, we allowed ourselves one kiss, right before I got on my bus home. It was too little, and too much, all at the same time.

* * *

I only had a couple of days back in New York before moving day came around. As I don’t really have that much stuff, that involved bagging everything up, having Ferdi help me carry it all down to the curb, then loading it into a cab. It was a bit of squeeze, but we managed everything in one trip. Our new digs were certainly more spacious than my old place; sure, my bedroom was tiny – just enough room for a full bed, closet, and a tiny table and chair – but the main room had a half-decent kitchen area, a large, comfy couch, and table that could seat four if we wanted to entertain. Okay, so it wasn’t a luxury pad like Kate and Vic’s place, but I was betting our rent was _way_ cheaper.

Ferdi made for an easygoing roomie, and we quickly settled into a routine for handling the chores. Most nights we ate together, and since both of us could manage some basic cooking, we were spared the expense of constant take-out. What with me spending much less time with Jess, and Ferdi wanting nothing to do with _his_ ex, we soon became best mates, even if initially it was only by default. It was something of a new experience for me to have that kind of close friendship with a guy I wasn’t dating.

Speaking of dating, once the new term started I made myself dive right in. I went on a bunch of dates; most of them didn’t amount to much, but there was one girl I went out with for a few weeks. There was also guy who I thought was really into me – until after he’d got me into his bed, after which he lost all interest. At least he was a decent lay. By Thanksgiving, I’d persuaded Ferdi to get back in the game too; he ended up bringing a couple of guys home, but claimed he wasn’t ready for anything more.

In October, I took a quick trip down to Philadelphia for our third annual Vortex Club memorial; a fun night out of dancing with Kate and Vic. The next day, I got to meet Kate’s boyfriend Aaron, who seems like a great guy. The two of them are seriously loved up, so I’m really happy for her. Vic _seems_ to be genuinely happy for her too, but I did detect an undertone of jealousy – she muttered something about starting a sweepstake on when he’s going to pop the question. By all accounts, her love life hasn’t been going particularly well; I hope that she meets someone soon.

One Friday in late January, fate intervened. It was date night for both of us, and by some weird coincidence we ended up in the same restaurant. I was waiting at the bar with my tall, dark, and handsome date, when Ferdi came in with a cute blonde. That made me do a double take, and his eyes widened when he spotted me and saw who I was with. Thankfully, he wasn’t any more interested an excruciating ‘hey, look it’s my roommate; we should totally have a double date’ thing than I was, although it did mean I didn’t get to talk to him until the next day. My date may have turned out to have been a disappointment in the conversation department, but he was _very_ handsome.

Ferdi was fixing himself some breakfast when I got in. “Have a fun night with your new boyfriend?” He smirked at me.

I shrugged. “The sex was pretty good – but not good enough to sit through another evening like that.” Absently, I realized that I’d had my first proper one-night stand. I made a show of looking around. “So, did you strike out?”

“Yeah. Apparently my Feng Shui was all wrong.”

“People can have Feng Shui?” I thought it was about architecture, how you arranged your furniture, stuff like that.

“Well, she certainly seemed to think we can.” The look on his face suggested that he considered his ‘bad Feng Shui’ a lucky escape. “So… you’re not a lesbian, then?”

“Nope, I swing both ways. I take it you’re not gay?”

He shook his head. “Kinsey four. How did we manage to completely miss that we’re both bisexual?”

“I guess because we were both in same-sex relationships when we met, and we just… assumed.”

“Yeah.” He was giving me an appraising look, though. Probably much like the one I was giving him.

* * *

There was a new TA in one of our classes after the Christmas break. I noticed her at once because, well, because she was _super_ -cute. I felt that same spark of instant attraction I’d had when I first met Monica. Naturally, that meant that she got mobbed after class by a significant chunk of the male students. I hung back, watching her fend off an army of wannabe suitors. She met my eyes for a moment, and gave me a wink, “Sorry, guys,” she said, “but I’ve got a girlfriend – and neither of us is interested in threesomes.”

Finally, the mob dissipated, and I ambled down to pick up my assignments. “Your girlfriend is a lucky woman,” I told her, skipping the ‘subtly flirtatious’ tone I’d been planning; I had no interest in pursing a woman who was already in a relationship.

“Thanks,” she said with a grin, “but she’s also fictional; not that it makes her any less effective at warding off unwanted attention.”

“Oh, so you’re not gay, then?” I guess my disappointment showed, because her grin broadened.

“Only half of me.”

“And which half would that be?” I may have leered a little; it was too good an opening to pass up.

“Why,” she said, leaning towards me, “the half that craves pussy, of course.” I turned bright red, and mumbled something incoherent. “Too much? Sorry. I’m Penny, by the way.”

“Max,” I managed.

“A pleasure to meet you,” she purred. “So, do you have any plans for this evening?”

–

“Okay, spill,” demanded Monica over lunch, a couple of weeks later. Things had been awkward between us when we first got back after the summer, but I’d soon decided that I missed my best friend too much to get hung up on the fact that she was also my ex. Now, we were hanging out almost us much as when we’d been rooming together – much to the chagrin of her new boyfriend.

“So, Penny took me out dancing last night to this little club that was playing nothing but reggae music.”

“Awesome! Did you partake of the traditional leaf?”

“Kinda – and you do know it’s the flowers that you smoke, right? Anyway, there was so much of it in the air we didn’t need to bring our own. I certainly got a bit of a buzz out of passive smoking. Well, that and a couple of beers. Anyways, we must have left around midnight, so Penny walked me home…”

“And?”

“And then I went to bed.”

Monica stared at me. “Cool story, bro,” she deadpanned.

I shrugged. “I didn’t say I went to bed _alone_ , and I certainly didn’t mention anything about sleep…”

A slow smile spread across her face. “You go, girlfriend! It’s about damn time; I’ve been saying for weeks that you were in desperate need of getting laid.”

“Well, I can assure you that particular problem has been _very_ thoroughly taken care of.”

“So she was good then?”

“A little rusty at first, but it soon came back to her – and came, and came, and came…”

Monica groaned. “You’re terrible!”

“That’s not what _she_ said…”

* * *

I woke up uncomfortably warm. My bed wasn’t quite big enough to sleep two people comfortably – not when one of them was a well-built guy. I pushed at Ferdi, waking him up. “Hmmm? Oh, hey, gorgeous,” he said, running a hand down my side. I shivered, and leaned in to kiss him.

“Next time we have a sleepover, it needs to be in your room.” He actually had a queen bed in there, and those extra inches would make all the difference.

“You’re the one who dragged me in here,” he pointed out. Memories of the previous evening started to come back to me. We’d had a few drinks while bingeing something on Netflix, and then finally stopped dancing around the attraction that had been slowly growing over the months since we found out we’re both bi. Still, it wasn’t exactly planned… that thought made me sit up and look around, relieved when I spotted the box of condoms and a couple of discarded wrappers on the bed-side table. Ferdi followed my gaze. “Don’t worry, we were safe. It didn’t seem like the time to discuss what other options might be available.”

“I did go on the pill after Jess and I separated, but that’s just as a back-up.” I hesitated, feeling like I should explain. “I… I had to have an abortion while I was at high school, and…”

“Say no more. Double protection it is. Assuming that you actually want a repeat performance…”

“Oh I do, but I’m looking for more than just sex.”

Ferdi grinned. “Good, because I am too. How’s about I take you out for dinner this evening?”

“I’d like that.”

* * *

A couple of weeks later, and we were solidly a couple; my first real relationship since Max left. It felt good in a way that my thing with Jess had never quite managed. Maybe it was the lack of limits or any arbitrary expiry date. It’s not like I particularly expected this to be the relationship that went the distance, but now there was the possibility that it _might_ be.

* * *

The honeymoon period with Penny lasted almost four months. That was how long it took me to look past the fun evenings out, the occasional weekend date, and all the great sex. How long it took before I started to get suspicious about her schedule – some weeks she’d be free to hang out whenever I wanted, and others all she could mange were brief meetings between classes. Penny never really explained why, always being ready with a change of subject or a distraction, telling me I was getting paranoid. At first I’d cherished every minute I spent with her, now I was starting to worry about where she was spending the rest of her minutes – or with whom.

I’d done some online sleuthing, and tracked down what I was pretty sure was her address. The next time she had one of her unexplained periods of unavailability, I caught an Uber over there to stake the place out. The fact that Penny apparently lived in a good-sized suburban house that looked _way_ beyond the price range of a grad student was my first clue that something was up. I hid myself in some bushes on a bit of unoccupied land nearby, and settled in to watch. “The Blackwell Ninja strikes again,” I whispered softly to myself, thinking that Chloe would probably have gotten a kick out of that.

About twenty minutes later, I saw a familiar-looking car come into view and pull up on the driveway. Penny got out, and headed into the house; that confirmed I was in the right place. Almost an hour later, I was about ready to give up, when some luxury car arrived and parked next to Penny’s. A tall, good-looking guy got out and headed to the door. I could see him pull out some keys and unlock it, so clearly he wasn’t a visitor. Penny appeared and hugged him; when that turned into a kiss, I wanted to look away, but something just kept me watching until they went inside and closed the door.

For a long time, I just sat there, staring blankly at their house. I realized that this was worse than I’d thought; Penny wasn’t so much cheating on _me_ , she was cheating on _him_.

 _I_ was just the other woman.

* * *

I waited to confront her until we would have some time alone together. A few days later, after my last class, we headed back to my dorm room, like we had so many times before. I could tell from the way she eagerly followed me what Penny was expecting to happen. The moment the door closed behind us, she came in for a kiss, but I forcefully pushed her back on to the bed. She looked surprised for a moment, then a slow smile spread across her face. “Well, hello,” she drawled. “This is new.”

“You know what else is new?” I asked, coldly. “Me going out to visit Silver Lake on Friday night. Can you guess what I saw there?” Penny was frozen, a shocked expression on her face.

After a moment, she recovered, and somehow managed to summon up an indignant tone. “You followed me?”

“Oh, no, don’t you _dare_ try and cast me as the bad guy. Who is he, Penny?”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “He’s sort-of my boyfriend, but… it’s not what you think.”

“Really? That old cliché? What’s ambiguous about you having a boyfriend?”

“Because… because it’s over between us. Look, Owen was a TA when I was a freshman; we started hanging out together, and then we became best friends. Somewhere along the line we became something more – neither of us was particularly looking for that, it just happened. After he finished his master’s, Owen got a job and we moved into that house together, but things were never quite right between us, like we were forcing something that wasn’t really meant to be. A few months ago, not long before I met you, we agreed that it wasn’t working, and I moved into the spare room. Now, we’re just friends again; we’re not sleeping together any more, I swear.”

I wanted to believe her, I really did. “But that kiss…”

“I’m not sure what you think you saw, but he only kissed me on the cheek.” I closed my eyes, trying to think back. I’d been _sure_ it had looked like more than that. “It’s just… with our history, we tend to be a little more physically affectionate that most friends. That’s as far as it goes, I promise.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?” I demanded.

“When we first started spending time together, when it was just fun, it didn’t really seem important. And then, when things got serious… I didn’t want to admit that I’d been hiding it; I was scared about how you would react. I know that you can be a little bit possessive.” I blinked; I wasn’t like that – was I?

“Can I meet him?” I asked, more to gauge her reaction than because I actually wanted to.

“I.. uh… we have an agreement that we don’t want to know if the other is having a relationship. Just until I finish my degree, get a job, and can afford to move out. Owen travels a lot for work, which means I get to spend plenty of time with you while he’s away, but I feel like I need to hang out with _him_ when he’s home. I’m sure you understand – I don’t object to you hanging out with Monica all the time.”

I wanted to believe her, she made it sound so tantalizingly plausible… so I chose to do just that. “Okay, but I’m very disappointed that you didn’t tell me.”

Penny looked up at me. “I’m really sorry, Max.” She bit her lip. “I know I’ve been a bad girl.” There was something about the way she said that, combined with her reaction when I was rough with her earlier, that gave me an idea.

“Yes, you have. And bad girls need to be punished.”

“I understand. How will you punish me?” There was a hint of eagerness in her voice.

“I think I’m going to have to spank you, Penny.” Tame, I know, but it was my first time trying something like this.

She ducked her head. “As you wish. Should I take off my skirt?”

“Yes; your panties too.” I tried my best to sound commanding, and I admit that I rather liked the way she hurried to obey me. I had a feeling I was going to enjoy this.

* * *

The Skype call from Vic was a little unexpected; we don’t really talk that much, after all. It got stranger when Max joined the call as well. Her eyes immediately narrowed. “What’s going on, Victoria?”

Vic’s eyes widened, all innocence. “So suspicious,” she said sadly, before breaking into a smile. “Don’t worry, it’s good news, and it’s not mine, it’s Kate’s.” The view shifted, and I realized that Vic must have picked up her laptop and was carrying it out of her bedroom into the main room of their apartment. A couple of moments later, we were greeted by the sight of Kate and Aaron standing next to the dining table. Lip-locked.

“Really, Victoria, this is what you wanted us to see?”

The two lovebirds sprang apart, but Kate had a big smile on her face as she rushed over. “Max! Dana! I’m so happy to see you both. I have some big news.”

“Yes…” I prompted her after a moment.

Kate held her left hand up to the camera. It took me a moment to realize why – there was a ring on it. “We’re getting married!” she squealed.

“Woah!” exclaimed Max. “Congratulations!”

“Yeah, congrats,” I said, “to both of you!” I’d met Aaron a couple of times, and he seemed like a great guy. More than that, Vic throughly approved of him – and given how hyper-protective of Kate she is, and how she dealt with Jacob, that was all the character reference I needed.

“Anyway, tell us everything,” instructed Max. “Did he take you somewhere fancy, did he get down on one knee, what did he say?”

“Yes, Aaron did get down on one knee, but we were just having a nice dinner here. As for what he said… that’s between us.” Okay, so not the world’s greatest engagement story – but totally, adorably Kate.

“Any thoughts on when you’re going to have the wedding?” I asked.

Kate and Aaron shared a look. “Some time next summer, after graduation.” We chatted for a few minutes, but they had to make calls to their families as well. I stayed on to talk with Max for a little while, but when I asked how things were going with Penny, she got all defensive, and we hung up the call not long after.

I wandered out to the main room, where Ferdi was sat on the couch playing some video game. I flopped down next to him. “So, what do you think I should wear to a summer wedding?”

“Ooh, did Aaron finally pop the question?” I nodded; he paused his game and grabbed his phone, checking the date. “Hey, that means I won Vic’s sweepstake!”

“Awesome! You can start planning the fancy date you’re going to take me on with your winnings.”

“Yeah, I’ll be so rich; I might even be able to afford to buy us some bagels to eat in the park…”

* * *

Things have been… different between Penny and me since the revelation about her boyfriend. However much I _wanted_ to believe her, I found that I could no longer entirely trust her. She promised that after we both graduated the next summer, she would leave Owen behind and we could start a new life together. It was an appealing picture, a dream to cling to. No matter what else was going on, I knew I had strong feelings for Penny, and she gave every appearance of feeling the same way.

Our sex life had changed too. My unintentional introduction of BDSM into our relationship was only supposed to have been a one-time thing, an outlet for my feelings at that specific point in time. Penny latched onto it immediately, though, often asking me to spank her, or tie her up, in spite of my initial indifference. After a drunken confession that she and Owen used to go further than such tame activities, I was reluctant to refuse her requests, out of fear of her going back to him. I can’t deny that the feeling of power it gave me, and the way Penny worshipped me felt good, though.

I did start to get jealous of the time she spent with Owen, the fact that I only got to have limited time with her unless he was out of town. Somehow she always seemed to dodge away from addressing my concerns, making me sound needy and insecure, falling back on her line that they’d promised not to overtly date anyone else. When I finally confided in Monica and Kate, they were both more concerned that Penny wasn’t being truthful about the real state of her relationship with Owen, that she was just using me. They simply didn’t understand how we feel about each other.

I just hoped that things would soon get better.

* * *

I went down to Philly for the weekend; Vic was throwing a surprise birthday party for Kate, and I didn’t want to miss it. Not because she had anything fancy planned – just your basic house party, with a couple of surprise guests; in addition to me, there was one of Kate’s sisters who’d just started college up in Boston. Ruth and I actually ended up hanging out a fair bit. The other people I hadn’t met before were all friends of Kate’s from class, so they knew each other and were a little bit cliquey. Aaron made an effort to keep us company too – it turned out that Ruth and Lynn had spent a fair bit of time there the last couple of summers, so she knew him pretty well already.

The main entertainment for the evening was a singing game they’d got set up on the TV. That had me flashing back to the first time I went out with Max, Kate and Vic; dancing and karaoke. A few of us were half-decent singers, but Kate had us all handily beaten, and her rendition of _Let It Go_ was as awesome as that first time I heard it. Remembering something else from that night, I manage to persuade Vic to reprise her version of _Fuckin’ Perfect_ , earning her a tearful hug from the birthday girl. Luckily for me, the game didn’t seem to have any Taylor Swift songs, so I was spared a repeat of _my_ fiasco. Instead, we found some soppy love duets for Kate and Aaron to sing together, but unfortunately, _his_ voice kinda let the side down. I wished I’d brought Ferdi with me; he was a singer, and would definitely given Kate a run for her money.

I had a bit of a surreal moment when I woke up naked in Vic’s bed the next morning, but I hadn’t drunk so much that I couldn’t remember that nothing happened. Apparently Vic _always_ sleeps like this and I was drunk enough to be all ‘what the hell’. I brazened it out by slowly collecting my stuff before going to the bathroom for a shower. Vic was _totally_ checking me out and, while I might not need the ego boost, I wasn’t going to complain.

After I was dressed, I went out to the main room; Aaron was just getting up, so I helped him fold away the sofa bed, then went to put some coffee on while he grabbed some clothes and headed for the shower. Vic had decided to make pancakes, but I had a hankering for pastries so I headed out to find a bakery I remembered from one of my previous visits. There was a weird vibe in the air when I got back, but nobody seemed to want to explain, so I just shrugged it off. I had to catch my train back to New York around lunchtime, which was a shame because it might have been nice to hang out a little longer, spend some more time with Kate and Ruth. Instead, Vic offered to walk me to the station – and indulge her secret love of cheesesteak – to give the two sisters some time alone.

* * *

I wasn’t having a good couple of weeks. My trusty Job Pro had taken a tumble, and was smashed up in a way that no amount of tiny tools was going to fix. I’d had fights with both Kate and Monica – about Penny, of course. I’d been seeing less and less of _her_ the past few weeks, but when we did see each other… she had a way of making me forget all that, and making my worries seem silly. Still, my friends had planted a seed of doubt, and the more it grew, the more I resented them for it. I knew I was being a shitty friend, but they _just wouldn’t understand_. The last thing I wanted was company, so when there was a knock on the door of my dorm room, I was sorely tempted to ignore it; only the possibility of a surprise visit from Penny made me open up.

“Victoria?” What the fuck was _she_ doing in LA?

“Maxine.” She pushed straight past me without waiting for an invitation; typical. “I was in the neighborhood. I hope you don’t mind me dropping by.” I kinda did – especially when it became clear that she had come as a proxy for Kate, to further berate me about Penny. I was surprised and disappointed that my friend would stoop so low. Our conversation was probably about thirty seconds away from devolving into a shouting match, when my phone rang. I jumped at the opportunity to ignore Victoria.

“Hey, sweetie,” I said to Penny.

“ _Hey, babe. There’s… there’s something I need to tell you._ ” The serious tone of her voice wiped away my smile, and replaced it with a sudden feeling of anxiety.

“What is it?”

“ _I… I’m pregnant._ ” I felt the blood drain from my face. I felt sick.

“How?” I choked out.

“ _A few weeks back, Owen and I got_ very _drunk and ended up in bed together. It was a one-time thing, I swear, so I guess we got_ really _unlucky. I know I should have told you about that night, but I just wanted to pretend that it never happened. I’m sorry._ ”

My mind was whirling, a tempest of conflicting emotions. “I… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about that. What are you going to do?”

“ _I want to keep it. I’m due just after graduation, so I was thinking that maybe we would be able to raise it together. I’m not sure, though. Money’s going to be very tight now, so I might not be able to move out as soon as I hoped._ ” A long silence stretched between us. “ _Please say something,_ ” she begged.

“I need some time to think about this. Can I call you tomorrow? Maybe we can meet up for lunch or something?”

“ _Of course. I’ll wait to hear from you._ ” She paused for a moment, before adding, “ _I love you, Max._ ” I froze. Penny had _never_ said those words to me before, and they didn’t ring true now. They sounded calculated. Hurriedly, I mumbled a response and hung up, all those conversations with Kate and Monica playing through my head. They no longer seemed so far-fetched.

I looked up at Victoria, surprised to see concern on her face. “Penny’s pregnant,” I told her. The rest of it just spilled out; how I was no longer sure I could trust _anything_ she’d told me. I was highly skeptical about the ‘one-time thing’ with Owen, and if she _had_ been sleeping with him all along, then that cast doubt on everything else she’d ever said. And if she really was still in a relationship with him, the chances that she’d leave him now she had a baby on the way seemed slim – in fact she’d already started laying the groundwork for staying longer than she’d promised, and I could easily see that becoming indefinite. “She’s never going to leave him, is she?” The moment I said it out loud, I could no longer deny it.

“No, she isn’t,” Victoria said, with a level of compassion I never would have believed she was capable of. That was the final straw; I broke down completely and found myself sobbing brokenly into Victoria’s chest. She didn’t say a word, just held me tightly as I soaked her clothes with tears and snot. I wasn’t a pretty sight when I finally pulled away.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“Don’t mention it,” she said, “please; to anyone, ever. Look, I know I flew out here to lecture _you_ , but right now, I really want to hunt down Penny and give _her_ a piece of my mind.” Her tone at the end was positively icy. I managed a small smile; that was something I’d like to see.

And then she produced a carefully-wrapped gift, saying she hoped it would put a bigger smile on my face. Eagerly, I tore off the paper to reveal a Polaroid-branded box with a shiny new camera in it. I remembered reading somewhere the Impossible Project had gotten hold of the rights to the name, but clearly I’d missed hearing about the new hardware. The boxy design harked back to my vintage original; it was perfect. I stammered out my thanks, and Victoria made a comment that sounded dangerously like it was complimentary of my photography skills. After that, she insisted on taking me out for dinner, and suggested that we should invite Monica along too. I readily agreed to that, realizing that I owed my best friend a serious apology.

“I am _so_ sorry,” I said, the moment I saw Monica. “You were right about Penny and I… I wouldn’t listen.”

She looked at me in surprise. “It’s okay, Max, I understand – and I’m sorry.” She looked at Victoria with respect in her eyes. “What did you say?”

“I wish I could take the credit, but…” Victoria glanced at me. “Penny’s pregnant.” A few minutes later, once we were sat at our table, I told Monica the whole sorry story. Then the two of them started picking apart everything Penny had ever told me. They also started plying me with copious amounts of alcohol, so I don’t remember much after that…

They showed up the next morning with breakfast burritos from the place around the corner; they’re the best hangover cure known to Man – or, at least, known to Max – which is good, because I had one Hades of a hangover. Victoria teased me about how she’d spent the night with Monica, but I was too preoccupied to really remember the details. I’d exchanged a couple of messages with Penny and agreed to meet her for lunch in a local café we used to frequent. That’s when I was planning on breaking up with her.

A few hours later, I was sitting at our usual table, waiting for Penny to arrive. Without even thinking, I’d ordered her favorite meal when I was getting mine. In the corner, I could see Monica and Victoria watching me as they ate. They’d insisted on being here, just in case things went badly. I got lost in thought, and I didn’t realize that Penny had come in until she sat down opposite me and picked up her sandwich. “Thanks, babe.” We ate in silence; I wasn’t sure where to start and neither, it seemed, was she.

“So, how do you feel about becoming a mom?” she asked at last.

“I think I’d like to – someday. Not for a few years, though, and not as some third-wheel bonus parent, her real mom’s mistress.”

Penny flinched back as if I’d slapped her. “What are you talking about?” She blustered, but her tone of hurt surprise sounded put-on and unconvincing.

“Stop pretending, Penny, I’m not naï… okay, maybe I _am_ naïve, but you took advantage of that. I bought into that bullshit about your relationship with Owen being over, but I think that was more because I _wanted_ to believe, so I never really questioned it. I took all your explanations and excuses at face value because I didn’t want to let you go. Not any more; last night I realized that there was a much simpler explanation: you’ve been lying to me the whole time.”

“How can you say that?”

“You lied by omission for months until I caught you in the act, and looking back, I’m not sure how you convinced me that the kiss I saw was just between friends. I certainly don’t believe that your pregnancy is the fluke result of a one-night stand with your ex. Especially after I realized something last night: I haven’t seen you taking your birth control pills – the ones you said you _had_ to take to stop your periods being unbearable – for at least a couple of months. That makes me think that this isn’t an accident at all.”

“That’s all circumstantial,” Penny told me dismissively.

“We’re not in court, Penny. And it’s enough that I no longer trust you; and if I can’t trust you, then I don’t think I can be in a relationship with you.”

“So, that’s it? You’re not going to give me a chance to defend myself? You’re going to dump me because I got pregnant?”

“That’s not what this is about, and you’re really not helping yourself with the attempts to manipulate me. But there’s one easy way to fix this; if you really are telling the truth, all you have to do is take me to meet Owen. When he confirms your story, then I’ll apologize, grovel, whatever.”

“I’ve already told you, we have an agreement…”

“…and if that agreement is more important to you than I am, then we really have nothing else to discuss.” Now I _was_ sounding like a lawyer. A bad-ass lawyer.

“Max, _please_ , I can’t risk losing my home, not with a baby on the way.”

“Problem is, I don’t buy that either. If you and Owen really are best friends, and he’s this great, stand-up guy, and things really are over between you, then why would he care that you were seeing someone new – and be so angry that he’d throw you out on the street when you’re carrying his baby? That doesn’t sound like someone I’d want in my life, let alone my child’s life.” I pulled out my phone, opened the Uber app, entered Penny’s address, and set it on the table where she could see my finger hovering over the button to order a ride. “So, are we going?” I waited, but she didn’t reply. “That’s what I thought.” I turned the phone off. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this any more. I don’t want to be ‘the other woman,’ and I don’t want to be _anyone’s_ second choice. I deserve better than that, so I guess this is goodbye.”

“Please, Max…” There were tears on Penny’s face now, but I had no idea how genuine they were. She reached out, and when she touched me, I wavered for a moment, but I pulled my hands away.

“No,” I told her, shaking my head. “Not unless I can trust you.”

Penny stood up to leave, her expression hardening slightly. “If I walk out that door and you’re not with me, you’ll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon – and for the rest of your life.” She turned, and walked away, ever so slowly, as if she was waiting for me to call her back and beg forgiveness. That just pissed me off even more; her final plea hadn’t been something spoken from the heart, just a regurgitated quote from an old movie. I picked up my phone and idly played with it, not looking up, until Monica and Victoria came and joined me.

I told them it was over, but I didn’t really feel like going into the details. Even though I was grateful to them for trying to help me, I just wanted to be alone. I owed Monica – and Kate – an apology, but that could wait. Victoria voluntarily gave me a hug when she said goodbye; I wondered if maybe it was time to finally bury the hatchet with her. I pushed all of that aside, though, and headed back to my room. I curled up on my bed and finally gave in to the tears.

* * *

It was a few months into the new year, and things were going downhill between me and Ferdi. It’s not that we were fighting or anything, we were still best mates. It was just… date night seemed to have become a thing of the past, and our sex life was a shadow of what it once was. I couldn’t figure out what had caused the change, or even when things had started to go wrong. More than that, I found that it didn’t really bother me that much.

We’d just sat down to eat some Chinese takeout, when Ferdi addressed the elephant in the room. “So, we should probably talk about what’s going on with us. Or, more specifically, what _isn’t_.”

“You mean the fact that things aren’t really working between us any more?”

“Yeah, that. The way I see it, we have a couple of options. One: we both put in some serious effort to try and fix it; spend more time together, stick to date night, et cetera. Two: quit while we’re ahead, and go back to just being best mates.”

I thought for a moment. “Honestly? I’m kinda ambiguous about the whole thing – which suggests option two.”

“I know what you mean. We gave it a shot, it didn’t work out, time to move on.”

I nodded. “Exactly. So… friends?”

He smiled. “Friends.”

“Cool. Pass the soy sauce?”

* * *

It turned out that we were both happier for our breakup, like we’d been stressing about our relationship, and now we didn’t need to. I was conscious that in a few months I’d be seeing Max at Kate’s wedding, and it looked like we might both be single. We hadn’t really talked about what we were thinking of doing after graduation – I had a couple of auditions lined up, but nothing set in stone, and I had no idea what her plans were. The enticing possibility that we might have the opportunity to get back together dangled in front of me.

Ferdi, on the other hand, wasted no time getting back out there. He went on a bunch of dates, and barely a month later had a steady boyfriend. I was happy for him, and it felt good to get back to the way we used to relate to each other. Sure, things weren’t exactly the way they were before we dated, but that wasn’t a bad thing – in fact, it felt like our friendship was stronger than ever.

* * *

It had been six months since I ended things with Penny, and I still wasn’t back to a hundred percent. My self-confidence had taken a serious knock, and I sometimes struggled to trust my decisions. Monica pointed out, more than once, that Penny had been gaslighting me, and that I was going to need some time to move past that and forgive myself. That didn’t stop me feeling like a prize idiot for being taken in by her lies. Worst of all, despite everything she’d done, on some level I _still_ missed her.

At least I had Kate’s wedding to look forward to. I hadn’t met her fiancé, but both Dana and Victoria had assured me that he was a great guy, so I was really happy for her. I was nervously excited about seeing Dana again, wondering if with college over, we might be able to think about getting back together. I knew she was dating her roommate – that seemed familiar – but the last time I’d talked to her it sounded like it wasn’t going particularly well. I allowed myself to selfishly hope that maybe come August we’d _both_ be single, and ready to think about a future together.

It helped that I didn’t really have any concrete plans. I was heading back to Seattle after graduation – my parents were strangely eager to have me home – and I had my old job at the store lined up for the summer. I was hoping that I’d be able to find some sort of photography work by fall, but I was open to other possibilities. Maybe even ones that involved moving to New York. Okay, who was I kidding? _Especially_ those ones.

* * *

I had to get up entirely too early for a weekend. Unfortunately, I hadn’t been able to get out of the Friday night performance of my summer gig as a chorus girl, so heading down to Philly then hadn’t been an option. Instead, I had to get myself dressed up for Kate’s wedding, then hurry off to catch the Amtrak, on Saturday morning. It sucked even more because I knew Max had flown in on Friday, and I would have liked to see her that much sooner. Thankfully, my transportation arrangements went off without a hitch, and I had plenty of time to drop off my bag at the hotel before heading over to the church.

Once inside, I was directed to the ‘Bride’ side, and quickly scanned the pews. I recognized Max instantly, just from the back of her head, and went over to her. “Is this seat taken?” I asked. She startled, and then a smile lit up her face as she saw me.

“Dana!” She sprang up and hugged me before holding me at arms’ length and running her eyes over my outfit. “You look _fantastic!_ ”

“So do you.” It was true; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her in a dress – if ever – and she looked _really_ good. “Just wait until you see Kate, though.”

“You’ve already seen her?” She sounded a little put out.

I shook my head. “Not since the hen party, but Vic dragged Ruth and me down for a couple of weekends of dress shopping, so I’ve seen what all three of them will be wearing.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” she said as we sat down. “So, how was the party?”

“Oh, you know, ‘what happens in Vegas…’” Max elbowed me; she knew full well we hadn’t gone to Vegas, or she could have joined us. “Okay, fine. It may have been Vic organizing it, but she knows Kate, so it was appropriately tame – not too much alcohol, no male strippers – but still fun. Most importantly, Kate enjoyed herself.”

“How’s Ferdi?” she asked carefully.

“He’s good, happy to have me out of the apartment for the weekend, I think. Is it weird that we seem to have a better friendship since we broke up?”

Max shrugged. “Not really; look at me and Monica…” she trailed off. “I miss having her around,” she admitted. I nodded; Max had moved back to Seattle after graduation, and she’d told me that Monica had also gone back home, to Detroit if I remembered correctly.

That was when the organ went silent for a few moments, and all eyes turned to the back of the church. Max’s hand found mine as the doors opened, and the processional music began. I recognized Ruth at once, and assumed the slightly smaller girl next to her must be Lynn. Behind them came Vic, looking stunning; she’d made sure that this wasn’t one of those weddings where the bridesmaids were dressed poorly to avoid showing up the bride – not that there was any danger of that here. I teared up almost immediately; Kate looked even more beautiful than I’d imagined, and the smile of pure joy on her face was a thing to behold.

The ceremony itself is something of a blur, but one thing I remember clearly is the image of Kate and Aaron walking back down the aisle, hand in hand; deliriously happy, and barely able to take their eyes off each other.

* * *

An hour or so into the evening party, Max, Vic and I were sitting around a table debating when the DJ was going to play some decent music, and whose turn it was to get the next round of drinks. Kate hurried over and sat down heavily, then began pouring herself a generous glass from the bottle of wine she was clutching.

“Whoa, leave some of that for the rest of us!” Vic told her, sudden concern on her face.

Kate stopped, and passed her the bottle. “Don’t worry, Tori,” she said, somewhat sharply. “I had a glass of Champagne when we got here, and some wine for the toasts, but that’s it.” Her face softened a little. “Sorry; I’m having an attack of nerves.”

“About what?” Max asked.

“About tonight. My ‘wedding night’.” She directed a mock glare at Vic.

“Oh.” It took a moment for comprehension to dawn on the rest of us. “ _Oh._ ”

“I have no idea what I’m supposed to do! What if I’m terrible in bed and Aaron decides he’s made a mistake? What if I find that I don’t enjoy sex? What if…”

“Hey,” I cut her off. “None of that. Trust me, it’s pretty hard for a woman to be ‘terrible in bed’ where most men are concerned. At the very least it takes outright disinterest on her part – and I’m assuming that’s not the case here.”

“No; sticking to the pledge has been… pretty challenging the last few months,” Kate admitted.

“Sounds like you’ll be fine, then,” Max told her. “Remember, it’s all new to Aaron too. He isn’t going to know what he’s doing either, and he certainly doesn’t have any more-experienced exes to compare you to. Figuring out the whole sex thing for the first time, together, with someone you love…” She looked me right in the eye. “Believe me, it’s an incredible experience.” Her husky voice had me hoping that Kate wasn’t the only one who was going to be getting some that night.

Kate let out a sigh. “Okay, I believe you. Any specific tips, though? Tori? I know you’ve dated a bunch of guys…” She trailed off as she turned to look at Vic and saw the stormy expression forming on her face.

“Have I ever brought any of them home?”

“No, but…”

“Have I ever stayed out all night after a date?”

“Not that I remember…”

“Have I ever given you _any_ indication that I’ve actually slept with any of the men – or women – that I’ve dated?”

“No.” Kate’s voice was almost a whisper.

“Well, congratulations,” said Vic with her trademark biting sarcasm, “you’re not going to be the last person at this table to lose her virginity.” Before any of us could say anything, she got up and stalked off.

She got all of about six paces before coming to a halt. After a few seconds, she slowly turned and walked back. “I am _so_ sorry, Kate. That was totally uncalled for.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Kate told her. “I made a stupid assumption, and I hurt you. I’m the one who should be sorry.” She got up and the two women shared a hug.

“It’s okay,” said Vic, “but I… I really need to be alone right now. Please don’t let this spoil your evening; I promise I’ll be fine, I just need a little time.”

“Of course. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Not too early, I hope,” said Vic with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I got you that late checkout for a reason!” She nodded at Max and me, then headed off. Despite the circumstances, she took the time to collect a kiss on the cheek from Aaron, and more hugs from Kate’s sisters.

Max had clearly been watching, too. “She really has changed, hasn’t she? I know you guys figured that out years ago, but I never truly understood it until now. I mean, I started to change my opinion of her when she flew across a continent to deliver me a much needed bitchslap, but…” She looked at Kate. “It’s obvious how much she cares about you.”

Kate nodded. “I know, she’s been an incredible friend; I’m just worried that I haven’t been as good a one as I should. Tori’s never really talked about her love life. She seemed to have plenty of dates, even if it was never the same name enough times for me to remember. I assumed that she was happy that way, but now I worry that she really wasn’t, and I was respecting her privacy when I should have been getting her to open up.”

Max and I shared a look. “Perhaps, but this isn’t the time to worry about it. You know Vic wouldn’t want that. This is your wedding, you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself!”

After a moment, Kate nodded. “You’re right. I should go find that husband of mine, it’s time for another dance.” She gave us a wink, then went off in search of Aaron.

Beside me, Max got up and shyly held out a hand. “So, Miss Professional Dancer, how would you feel about taking a whirl with someone who has two left feet?”

I let her pull me up, and into her arms. It felt like coming home. “I’d love to.”

A couple of hours later, we were all cheering as Aaron led a blushing Kate out of the ballroom, and in the direction of their suite. Max turned to me and said, “I’m thinking maybe it’s time for us to call it a night too.” She pulled her room key out of her purse and looked at me nervously. “What do you think?”

I read the number off her key fob. “I think my room is closer,” I said, holding out my hand. Max grinned, and took it. By some miracle, the first elevator we reached was empty, and we took the opportunity to start kissing, jumping apart awkwardly when the doors opened on my floor to reveal a couple waiting to get in. Giggling, I grabbed Max’s hand and dragged her down the corridor to my room. I fumbled with the lock as her hands roamed freely over my back and sides, until finally the door opened and we practically fell inside.

I had the presence of mind to kick the door shut behind us as Max’s mouth found mine again. Soon, hands were seeking out zips and fasteners as we left a trail of clothing behind us. When we fell together naked onto the bed, it was clear that neither of us was interested in taking things slowly. There would be time for that later.

The next morning, I woke up pleasantly sore – and tangled up with Max. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was well after nine; not entirely surprising, since we hadn’t given in to sleep until well into the small hours. Unfortunately, unlike Kate and Aaron, I didn’t have a late checkout for my room. Gently, reluctantly, I shook Max. A few moments later, her eyes opened. “Hey, you,” she said.

“Sorry to wake you, sweetie, but we’ve got rather less than an hour until check out.”

“Damn, I guess that doesn’t leave us time for a re-match.”

“Not right now, but I’m sure we can make another opportunity soon…”

“Count on it,” Max told me as she climbed out of the bed and started to retrieve her clothes. “I’m not giving you up a second time. If… if that’s what you want too.”

“It is,” I promised, getting up to kiss her.

“Oh, thank fuck. I’ve missed you so much.”

“Me too.” I watched as she quickly got dressed. “Meet me for breakfast and we can start planning our future.”

“Sounds awesome,” said Max with a huge grin. She lingered for one last kiss at the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

I’d got as far as collecting my scattered clothes and retrieving a fresh outfit, when my phone rang. “Hi Ferdi, how’s it going?” I’d clean forgotten I’d asked him to give me a wake-up call.

“ _Pretty good, Harry and I have been taking full advantage of having the apartment to ourselves._ ”

“Good for you!” The hint of jealousy that used to be in my voice at such moments was gone.

“ _Yeah. How about you? Pull any bridesmaids? Groomsmen?_ ”

“You could say that.” Yup, I was sounding stupidly happy.

“ _Ah! You hooked up with Max, I take it. Think you two are going to get back together?_ ”

“I hope so. I’d like this to be the relationship that lasts until death do us part.”

“ _That’s just the wedding talking. Still, I’m happy for you, and I hope you get what you want._ ”

“So do I. Look, I really need to get showered and dressed so I can check out. I’ll see you tonight.”

“ _Sure thing. I’ll pump you for all the juicy details then. Love ya._ ”

“Love you too.” I hung up the call, then started towards the bathroom. A moment later, there was a knock at the door. I quickly pulled on a robe and went to answer it. Max was standing there, her face a mask of fury; I took an involuntary pace backwards.

“I forgot my purse,” she told me coldly, stepping into the room to retrieve it, “and a good thing too, or I wouldn’t have learned the truth.”

“What truth?” I asked, confused.

“Don’t play dumb, Dana,” she said sharply, “I heard your entire phone call.”

I replayed the conversation in my head, then paled. “It’s not what it sounds like.”

“Sure it isn’t,” said Max. “That’s what Penny said. I was naïve enough to believe her then. I’m not that naïve any more. How could you do that to me, Dana?” There was hurt and anger in her voice. “You know what she did to me.”

Desperately, I tried to find the words to fix it. “Please just let me explain, I promise…”

“No.” Max cut me off. “I’m not going through this again. Please, for Kate’s sake, don’t make a scene. But just… stay the fuck away from me.”

She left, slamming the door behind her. The sound had a terrible finality to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Three](/works/14307216/chapters/34806905) of _Missing Pieces_.
> 
> I'm doing Camp NaNoWriMo, and my goal is to get the next chapters of both FtP and PbP out by the end of the month, but… we’ll see.


	11. Where the Hell Can We Still Go

For a moment, I simply stood there in shock, trying to comprehend what had just happened. In less than a minute, my dream had turned into a nightmare. Mechanically, I forced myself to shower and dress, to pack my bag, to head down to the front desk and hand my key in. I went to get some breakfast, and found an empty table in the corner of the room. I was trying to hide my feelings, if only Kate’s sake, but from some of the looks I got, I don’t think I was doing a very good job of it. When Max came in, she sat as far away from me as humanly possible, and _her_ expression was downright murderous. I abandoned any hope of trying to reconcile there and then, deciding it would be better to wait at least a few days for her to cool off.

With that decision made, I just wanted to get away from there and back home as quickly as I possibly could. When I was done eating, I went back to the front desk and booked a cab for right after Kate and Aaron’s departure. That meant that the moment we’d waved them off, I could grab my bag and be gone. Of course, it also gave me more time waiting around at the station, but that was better than the alternative; no way could I face having to talk to someone like, say, Vic about what happened with Max.

Thankfully, Ferdi was there when I got home. He took one look at me, and before I knew it, I was curled up on the couch, sobbing into his shirt. I’m not sure how long it was before he finally asked, “so, d’you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “Not really.” Then, maybe a couple of minutes later, “Max overheard our phone call this morning.”

“So? It was perfectly innocent – I even mentioned Harry.”

“I don’t think it sounded so innocent if you only heard my side of it.”

“Even so…”

“And certainly not if you have a manipulative gaslighting bitch of an ex.”

“Oh, shit. But… you can fix it, right? Tell her the truth?”

“If I can get her to listen, and if she believes me. At the moment I’m not convinced that she’ll ever talk to me again.”

“Then… you go through your friends, or something.”

“I don’t know, maybe we just weren’t meant to be.”

“Is that really what you think?” Ferdi sounded skeptical.

“Yes? Maybe?” I sighed. “I don’t know. A few hours ago, the two of us were talking about planning a future together, and now… this. That’s twice I’ve gotten my heart broken over Max; I’m not sure I’m willing to risk a third time.” I think I was trying to convince myself more than I was him. The previous night had reawakened too many feelings for me to give up quite so easily, but I had a bad feeling that I needed to prepare myself for the worst.

* * *

Shock and rage. That’s what I was feeling. How could Dana have done that to me? It was a visceral, almost physical pain. I ran on autopilot; shower, pack bag, check out, have breakfast. I managed to force a smile as I hugged Kate goodbye. A moment after the newlyweds were gone, I spotted Dana jumping into a cab; apparently she was taking my admonition to ‘stay the fuck away from me’ seriously. Good. Of course, I was left with a bit of a dilemma; my flight back to Seattle was booked for the following weekend, because I’d been planning on spending a few days with her.

I slowly scanned the crowd, finding the one person left I actually knew: Victoria. She was my only hope to avoid spending money I really couldn’t afford on a week in a hotel, or a last-minute replacement for my non-refundable, no-changes-permitted ticket home. Hesitantly, I approached her; she immediately asked what had happened with Dana, so apparently _that_ was an open secret already. I deflected, and begged her for a place to crash. I was pleasantly surprised when she immediately agreed, saying, “what are friends for?”

Huh; were we friends now? I guess so. She took me back to her apartment and, rather than letting me faceplant on the couch, directed me to what I assumed used to be Kate’s room. We made up the bed, but I didn’t even wait for her to leave before pulling off my hoodie and pants, crawling under the covers, and falling into the welcome embrace of sleep.

It was mid-afternoon when I woke up, and it took me a moment to realize where I was. Then I remembered _why_ I was there, and the tears finally came. After they’d run their course, and not knowing where the bathroom was, I used a couple of wipes to clean up my face as best I could, before going out to see if Victoria was up. I found her in the kitchen area, making some sandwiches, and looking about how I felt. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever seen her anything but perfectly made up before; even after the week of hell at Blackwell, she’d always kept her immaculate front in place.

We sat down with our food, and a much-needed bottle of wine, and ate in silence. It was only when I’d finished that I blurted out, “I slept with Dana last night,” and the whole sorry story came tumbling after. She asked the questions I’d been asking myself – had I misunderstood something, was I jumping to the wrong conclusions? I didn’t think so, although there was no way to be sure – but after what Penny did, I still couldn’t bring myself to go on trust alone. I don’t know if there’s any way I can get past that right now. Maybe with time…

I didn’t want to think about it anymore, so I asked Victoria what was going on with her. She hesitated before responding, it seemed like she was about as reluctant to talk about things as I was. “It’s just hitting me that Kate is gone. I mean, not _gone_ gone, but she’s not going to be living here any more, there aren’t any more classes for us to share. I’m going to be switching from spending a significant amount of time with her, to not knowing how much I’m going to see her at all. For better or worse, Kate has been a massively important part of my life for almost five years, and I’m feeling a little bit lost without her.” She managed a rueful laugh. “I’m having a mini-meltdown, and she’s barely been gone a day.”

I was watching her closely; what she said all rang true, but I had a feeling that there was more going on than she was telling me. Still, given that I didn’t want to talk about _my_ problems any more, I decided to let it drop. “I’m sorry, Victoria, that must really suck. I hope you manage to figure something out so you still get to spend time together. Until then, I think we _both_ need more wine.”

“I’ll drink to that,” she said grimly.

* * *

Staying with Victoria turned out to be a lot more enjoyable than I’d expected. She let me in on her post-college project: starting her own photography business. She had this grand plan to have a gallery, studio spaces, and an equipment store, all under one roof. She asked me to help her out with scouting locations, and we spent a few days with her realtor, looking over various properties. She actually listened to my opinions, and thanked me for giving her some ideas. It seemed that we really _had_ finally become friends, and I could certainly use more of those.

On my last night in Philadelphia, Victoria finally worked up the nerve to ask what happened to me during _that_ week at Blackwell. I wasn’t sure, but in the end I decided that if we were going to be friends, I should tell her the truth; it was up to her whether to believe me or not. She listened quietly, showing no sign of disbelief. When I got as far as describing Kate’s suicide attempt, however, she completely and utterly broke down; I’m talking gut-wrenching sobs and soaking my shirt with her tears. I have a feeling there are _very_ few people she’s let see her like that.

* * *

By the time I got back to Seattle, I had my feelings a little better under control. The pain and anger were more of a dull ache, and less of a blazing fire. The only contact I’d had from Dana was a single email the morning I flew home. It had the subject ‘When you’re ready’ – I wasn’t, and I appreciated her not trying to force anything; it was a sign that there was at least the possibility of us repairing our relationship at some point in the future. I returned to work, and life mostly went back to normal.

That all changed a couple of weeks after I got home. I was at work, and I spotted a customer browsing the small instant camera section. In addition to the film I use, and the Fuji Instax stuff, we were now stocking the new Polaroid cameras as well – after I’d brought in the one Victoria gave me, to show it off. Always eager to share my passion, I wandered over. “Hi, is there anything I can help you with?”

“Um, yeah. I was kinda inspired by someone to get into instant photography, but I’m not really sure what to go for…”

“Sounds good, it’s a great medium to work with, I’ve been using instant cameras for years. Did this person have any advice?”

“Not really; she’s a fictional character.”

“Okay. So, my personal choice is the Polaroid 600 format…” I proceeded to wax lyrical about my favorite subject for about a quarter of an hour – thankfully, it was a slow day. It ended up with my customer buying a camera, bag, and a few packs of film, so I called that a double win – making a sale, and making a convert.

“Thanks, uh…” eyes flicked to my name tag, “Max.” A moment’s hesitation. “Say, do you think you might like to get a coffee some time? I’m Sam, by the way.”

Wow. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had hit on me, so it took me a moment to get over my surprise before I manage to reply. “Uh, yeah, I think I’d like that.”

“Cool! Um, if you give me your digits, then I can call you later and set something up.” I entered my number into Sam’s proffered phone. “I’ll talk to you soon, and thanks for helping me out with this.”

“You’re welcome!” I said, still slightly dazed.

* * *

Sam called me that evening, and we arranged to meet in a little independent coffee shop a couple of blocks from the store where I worked. I was in the kitchen helping with dinner at the time, so Mom had overheard my half of the conversation. “So, does my favorite daughter have a hot date?”

“I’m your only daughter.” This was an old joke that my mother never seemed to get tired of. “And I’m not sure that meeting for coffee on a Sunday afternoon counts as a _hot_ date.”

“So? Tell me more; who is this girl… or boy.” My parents knew about my girlfriends – and my lack of interest boyfriends – but I’d never put a label on my sexuality, so they were still careful about making assumptions; a fact that I appreciated.

“A customer who I sold a Polaroid camera to yesterday, and…” I stopped for a moment. Sam had a pretty androgynous look, and the name could be short for Samuel, like the Blackwell groundskeeper, or Samantha, like Lara Croft’s girlfriend – at least in my head-canon. “You know what, I’m not sure whether Sam is a guy or a gal.”

Mom looked surprised. “You agreed to go on a date with someone without even knowing their gender?”

I shrugged. “It didn’t come up, and it doesn’t really matter. I enjoyed spending time with Sam, and there was definitely a spark of attraction, so…” I made myself consider the possibility that Sam might be biologically male – if that was the right term to use – and whether it might be a problem if things got that far. I was mildly surprised to discover that, despite my complete lack of attraction to men previously, the idea didn’t bother me at all. “I guess I’ll just see how things go.”

* * *

I finished my Sunday morning shift at work, and walked down the street, arriving at the coffee shop at almost the same time as Sam came around the corner. “Hi!” I said, ever so smoothly.

“Hey!” Sam replied, equally articulate. We went in and ordered our drinks without managing much more in the way of conversation, merely an exchange of furtive glances. We found ourselves a small table with a pair of large, comfy chairs, tucked away in a corner, and I decided to break the ice by diving in at the deep end.

“So, this might be an odd question, but… I’m not really sure which pronouns I should be using for you.”

Sam smiled. “Not an odd question at all; in fact, I’m glad you asked rather than mis-gendering me – or gendering me at all. And I prefer they / their / them.”

“Okay, thanks. My mom did the ‘he / she’ thing when asking about my date, and I wasn’t sure how to reply.” 

Sam laughed. “Believe me, you aren’t the first person to tell me that; at least it sounds like your parents are open-minded about your sexuality.” I took the subtle hint from the subject change not to pursue my original topic any further.

“Yeah, they didn’t blink when the first person I got involved with was a girl, and so were the others since her, but they’ve never pressured me to put a label on it.”

“So… you’ve only dated women?”

“Yeah, I’ve never really been attracted to guys…” I decided not to hold back, so I took a deep breath and added, “but I am attracted to you, however you identify.”

Sam’s cheeks flushed a little; it looked like that was what they wanted to hear. “For the record, I’m pansexual – I’m attracted to people, not body parts.” They, too, hesitated before admitting. “And you’re one of those people.” I did notice that Sam had once again avoided mentioning their gender identity, and felt guilty about pushing them, however subtly; they would tell me when they were ready. We were too busy giving each other goofy grins for me to care right then.

By unspoken agreement, our conversation shied away from anything too personal after that, instead talking about our interests and opinions. One coffee turned into two, then two turned into three, and neither of us showed any inclination to end our date. I was the first to tentatively suggest that, “maybe we should go get some dinner?” Sam eagerly agreed, and we decamped to an Italian restaurant a few doors down. We ate a leisurely meal, and lingered over our desserts, but eventually we had to pay our check and leave.

“So… I guess this is where we say goodnight,” Sam told me, although they didn’t sound too happy about it,

“Yeah, I have work tomorrow morning, but I’d _really_ like to see you again.”

They smiled. “Me too, I had a great time.” I had a sudden desire to kiss them, but given how they’d avoided talking about gender, I didn’t want to push it with anything physical; Sam solved that dilemma by leaning in to kiss _me_. Permission given, I eagerly responded, resting a hand in the small of their back, but resisting the urge to pull them close. When we separated, our grins were even goofier than they had been earlier.

“So, give me a call or a text,” Sam said, “let me know when you’re free and we can set up another date.” They gave me another brief kiss, then turned and walked away.

I just watched them go. Oh, yeah, I was smitten.

* * *

We had our second date a few days later, meeting in another coffee shop near the newspaper office where Sam worked. This time, our conversation strayed away from safe discussions of shared geeky interests, and on to more personal topics. I came to see why Sam had chosen to go into journalism; they had a way of teasing out the details of a story, asking questions that prompted me to explain things I’d skimmed over, or remember details that had skipped my mind. By the end of their ‘interview’ it felt like I’d told Sam my entire life story. It had ended with the events of Kate’s wedding; talking about it had stirred up the emotions I’d been bottling, and I was having a hard time fighting back tears.

Sam reached out to rest a hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you by dredging up the past. I know I can get tunnel vision when I’m pursuing a story, and I shouldn’t have been turning that on you.” 

“S’okay,” I told them, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. “It’s not like any of it is stuff I wanted to hide from you, it was just… a little intense spilling that all out in one go.”

“Still… I feel for you. Even if I can’t help but feel a little bit grateful that you were free to be here with me.”

“I hope you’ll forgive me for not being quite so happy that I came back to Seattle with a broken heart rather than a girlfriend, but if things _had_ to turn out that way, I’m very glad I met you.” Sam’s uncertain expression broke into a smile – and then the moment was spoiled by a loud gurgling noise from my stomach. After a moment, we both laughed, and I pulled out my phone to check the time; it was after nine. “I think we left it a bit late to eat out, and besides, I kinda need to switch my brain off and veg out a little.” Part of me wanted to go home, raid the fridge, and watch some dumb videos on YouTube, or catch up on some fanfic. I stopped short of saying that, though, hoping that Sam would have a better idea.

“Um… I live a couple of blocks from here,” they began. “We could order some pizza, then head back there and crash in front of the TV. If it’s not too soon for me to be taking you home…”

It seemed a safe assumption that Sam couldn’t afford anything this close to the center of the city on their own, so I hazarded a guess. “I don’t know; will this involve meeting the parents?” A shadow passed across Sam’s face. “I’m sorry,” I began, “I didn’t mean to…”

They shook their head. “Not your fault. It was eighteen months ago; breast cancer.” It was my turn to reach out and offer comfort. “I.. uh…” They covered my hand with their own, then shook their head as if to clear it “Anyway, Dad’s out of town for some conference, so we’ll have the place to ourselves. What do you say?”

“I’m in the mood for pepperoni on my pizza.”

Laughing, Sam pulled out their phone and called in our order, then led me to their apartment. It was a nice place, but not ostentatious. The location said ‘money’, but the interior suggested ‘well-paid professional’ rather than a Victoria Chase level of wealth. Sam directed me to a wall of shelves, packed with DVDs and Blu-Rays, instructing me to pick something to watch from their dad’s collection. Faced with a tyranny of choice, I fell back on something I’d been wanting to do for a while, and grabbed the first _Iron Man_.

“I’ve been thinking about doing a re-watch of all the MCU movies before next year’s big _Avengers_ blow-out; most of them I’ve only seen once. What do you think?”

“Sounds good, but that’s a lot of films to get through.”

“I guess that means we’re going to have to go on a lot of dates,” I told them.

A slow smile spread across Sam’s face. “I like the way you think.” Some time later, we were sat close together on the couch, an empty pizza box lying open on the table in front of us. Hesitantly, Sam put an arm around me. “Is this okay?”

By way of reply, I cuddled in and rested my head on their shoulder. “Is this?” Sam made a happy, affirmative noise, and we stayed like that for the rest of the movie. It was about half eleven when we got to the end, and I reluctantly realized that I really needed to get going. We stole a few kisses while I waited for my Uber to arrive, and parted with promises to see each other again soon.

* * *

Our third date started in the same way as our first; Sunday afternoon in the coffee shop near my work. This time we chatted happily away as we queued for our drinks and made our way over to the corner table we’d sat at before.

“So, I wanted to thank you for trusting me enough to open up the way you did on Thursday,” Sam began once we’d settled in. “I know there’s something you were holding back about that awful incident at your high school, but I’m not going to ask you about it. We all need to keep some things to ourselves; I know that better than most people.”

“I always felt like there was something different about me, but it took me a long time to figure out what it was. When I was a kid, it wasn’t like I was throwing away my Barbies and demanding a GI Joe, or wanting to exchange my Transformers for My Little Ponies. Actually, I had all of those things, handed down from the twins.” I remembered Sam telling me that they had a brother and sister who were a few years older than them. “I would happily play with any of them, but mostly I preferred things like LEGO, which weren’t so obviously gendered.”

“As I got older, though, I found that the other kids started looking at me strangely if I played with the toys, or dressed in clothes that didn’t match my body. If I’d been born twenty-five years earlier, that would have been it; I would have slid into the gender role that was assigned to me at birth. I’d probably even have learned to be happy that way, even if, deep down, I didn’t feel like I was a girl _or_ a boy. In fact, once I’d figured out my sexuality, I imagine I’d have used that as the explanation for the way I felt – assuming I didn’t end up repressing that, too.”

“But, I was born in 1994 – and that meant I had access to the internet. The very first thing I did when my parents decided I was old enough to have unsupervised access, was to discover with a few clicks and some well-chosen search terms, that I wasn’t alone. In fact, there were so many of us, with so many different experiences and labels, that it was overwhelming. Agender, third-gender, genderfluid… I eventually decided on simply ‘non-binary’ as the best way to identify how I feel about myself.”

“It was around that time my parents told me we were moving to Seattle over the summer before I started high school. Unlike you, I didn’t have someone like Chloe I’d be leaving behind. In fact, I was excited about the chance of a fresh start, somewhere I could be myself without the baggage of everyone knowing my birth gender. Somehow, my parents had found a private school where I could register without having to specify a gender, and where I wasn’t alone. It even had a designated bathroom for trans and non-binary students, with a lock that only we had the key for. Of course, none of that stopped the teasing, and the bullying, but unlike my previous school, it wasn’t tolerated – let alone encouraged – by the staff.”

“College was pretty good, too – sure, there were still plenty of shitty people around, although it didn’t seem like as many. Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but I feel like, once they get away from their parents’ influence, most of our generation don’t much care about other people’s gender or sexuality. I had no trouble making friends who accepted me as I am, and I met my first girlfriend – and my first boyfriend. Those were good times.”

“Things aren’t quite so easy back in the real world, which is still full of people from older generations, with all their prejudices, but after college I felt much more confident about who I am, and that gave me armor. Sure, there are still things about myself, my… body, that I haven’t fully accepted – and that’s another conversation we’re going to need to have before our relationship turns physical – but mostly, I’m pretty damn happy with my life.”

I smiled at them. “Good, I am aware of my cis privilege; I’m sorry you have to put up with prejudice, but I’m glad you haven’t had things as hard as you might have done. As for that other conversation, I’m happy to take things as slow as you want, and I respect that there may well be some things you’re simply not comfortable with. If and when we get to that point, we can figure it out… together.”

* * *

It was just after Thanksgiving that I got the call from Kate. She barely gave me the chance to say hello before demanding, “what the fork do you think you’re playing at, Max?” There was anger in her voice – the last time I’d been on the receiving end of _that_ tone from her, I rewound the conversation and tried again.

“I don’t understand…”

“I just talked to Dana. It’s taken her months to open up to someone about what happened at our wedding, and I find out it’s because _you’re_ keeping her in limbo. Would it have killed you to reply to the email she sent, or are you still mad at her for something she didn’t even do?”

I froze, the icy tendrils of guilt spreading through my chest. “Oh, no…” I whispered, almost to myself. I’d moved that email into my archive without reading it, so I didn’t have to see it staring at me from my inbox. I’d tried so hard not to think about Dana, that when Sam came along to distract me from my old life, I’d managed to do just that. “Kate, I swear to you, this was _not_ deliberate. This is what I do; I put something aside, meaning to deal with it later, and then I just… forget.” I realized I was starting to cry. “And this time, someone I _do_ still care about has paid the price.”

Kate’s voice softened a little. “She’s really hurting, Max. She didn’t say it, but I could tell. She deserves answers.” 

“Does… does she know about Sam?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Great! So now I have to drop _that_ bombshell on her as well.”

“Don’t get shirty with me, Max. You dug yourself into this hole. Sometimes you just have to step up and do the difficult thing. You of all people should know about that.”

_FLASH_ The storm. Chloe. “Now, get out of here, please! Do it before I freak.” _FLASH_

“Max? Max? Are you still there?”

“Yeah… I just… flashback; haven’t had one of those in ages.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“I know, Kate. Look, I’m glad you called, but I should really go and write that email I should have sent months ago. And… please keep an eye out for Dana, make sure she’s okay; I have a feeling she’s not going to be talking to _me_ any time soon.”

“Don’t worry, Ferdi and Jess are taking as good care of her as she’ll let them.”

“Good. And… thanks for giving me a kick.”

“You’re welcome. Just make sure it doesn’t happen again!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

* * *

Respecting Max’s request to stay away was hard, so very hard. I wanted to keep calling and messaging her until she answered, even though I knew that was the worst possible thing I could do. Instead, I sent a single email, explaining everything as best I could, and then threw myself into my dancing. In addition to my job, I practiced as much as I dared without risking injury; relentlessly drilling myself in moves that I’d previously struggled with, until they became second nature. I could tell that Jess and Ferdi were worried about me, so I forced myself to spend at least some time with them rather than hiding away in my room.

I’d been doing that for more than three months, when I finally got a reply to my email. I must have stared at the row in my inbox for at least a couple of minutes before I worked up the nerve to open it. The subject read ‘I’m sorry’; I wasn’t sure how to interpret that, so I was hoping for the best – but expecting the worst.

> I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you explain that morning.
> 
> I’m sorry it took me this long to read your email.
> 
> I’m sorry that the shit in my past fucked up our chance of a future.
> 
> I’m sorry I couldn’t trust you.
> 
> I’m sorry, because I met someone new. I know it won’t come as much consolation, but I didn’t go looking for this, that I intended to give us the chance to try and fix things, but Sam found their way into my life all the same.
> 
> I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and that we can manage to be friends again.
> 
> When – if – you’re ready to talk, you know how to reach me.
> 
> Love, Max

I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel about that. I was relieved that Max didn’t hate me, but I certainly wasn’t thrilled to confirm that the opportunity to get back together seemed to have passed us by. I _was_ glad that the uncertainty was over; I hadn’t realized how much it had been eating away at me. At least now I could think about moving on with my life. The auditions I’d been unsure about – the ones for touring shows that would have sucked if I was trying to build a life with Max – were suddenly back on my agenda.

Maybe it wan’t the future I’d been hoping for before Kate’s wedding, but it looked like I was going to be in for some interesting times all the same.

* * *

Things happened rapidly after that. When I checked my calendar, I discovered that one of the open auditions I’d been considering was that coming Friday. I should have been nervous, but three months spent burning every dance move I knew into my muscle memory had given me a whole new level of confidence. Sure, I had to pick some music, and put some of those moves together into a coherent routine for the final round – it didn’t even occur to me that I might not make it that far – but _that_ had always been my strong suit.

I hadn’t appreciated the scale of the audition until I got there. I spotted a couple of familiar faces in the crowd, and I only saw part of it before a group of us got called in for the first round. The process was pretty brutal, with two thirds of that group being sent straight home – I was very glad of all that extra practice I’d done. There were two more rounds of elimination before I was called upon to do my prepared dance. I wasn’t sent home after that, either – instead I was directed to another room where a few other dancers were waiting. There was a buffet table along one wall; that told me I was probably in for a bit of a wait, so I grabbed a bite to eat. After that, I followed the example of most of the others, and found a spot to sit and zone out with the music on my phone.

Over the next two or three hours, more dancers trickled in; eventually I stopped checking out the new arrivals, so I was caught off guard when somebody sat down next to me, and pulled one of my earbuds out. “Hey, babe.” I looked up; it was Jess.

“Hey, yourself; I didn’t know you were going to be here. Congrats on getting this far.”

“Same to you. I hope we both get the job – it would be cool to go on tour with one of my best friends.”

“Yeah, that would be awesome. Any idea why they’ve got us waiting here? Some final dance-off, maybe?”

“Perhaps,” Jess mused. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough; there can’t have been more than one group behind me.” Sure enough, about twenty minutes later, the choreographer came in and told us to pair off; we were going to be given a piece of music, and fifteen minutes to prepare a routine.

I turned to Jess. “We got this.”

“Totally.”

Sure enough, an hour later, ours were the first two names that were called. “Go out tonight,” the choreographer suggested. “Celebrate. On Monday, the real work begins.” We followed her advice, along with the ten other women who’d been selected. I’m not entirely sure where we ended up; after a certain point, that night’s a bit of a blur. I do remember waking up the next morning, though, since the cause was Jess kissing my neck.

“Mmmm, that feels good,” I told her.

“You’re okay with me being here, then?”

“Oh, hell yes. It’s been _way_ too long since I got any.”

Jess laughed. “Me too.” She leaned over to kiss me on the lips. Greedily, I pulled her closer, my hand sliding down her back and under the hem of her panties. I was slightly baffled as to why they were still on – mine certainly weren’t – until I reached a little further down, my fingers brushing the edge of a pad before Jess wriggled away.

“Kudos on owning that audition while on your period,” I told her. “Never mind our dance show, you should be starring in your own Tampax advert!”

She sniggered. “Why, yes, only the power of our blue liquid-absorbing products can not only prevent you, a mere woman, from being unable to function normally for several days a month, but give you the confidence to do things you wouldn’t do normally! Speaking of which, I should really pop to the bathroom before things go any further.” She got up, grabbing my robe off the back of the door and pulling it on, then retrieving a tampon from her purse.

Before she could leave, I pulled her into a kiss. “Don’t think this is going to stop me from tasting you when I get back,” I growled in her ear.

“Good,” she whispered back, “because you have no idea how badly I need your tongue on my clit.”

A couple of hours later, I woke from a post-coital nap; Jess was still asleep, so I wrapped a towel around myself and headed for the shower. I didn’t quite make it to my destination, though. “So, was that Jess I saw earlier?” Ferdi’s voice came from the couch. “And heard screaming your name shortly after that?”

“I think you might be exaggerating when you say she was ‘screaming,’” I told him, failing to keep the blush from my cheeks.

“Perhaps,” he admitted. “What happened? You two getting back together?” I explained about the audition. “Congrats! I’m happy for you; both of you, you thoroughly deserve it.”

“Thanks. As for getting back together… we didn’t really have chance to talk about it. What with the grueling training schedule we’re going to have, and then being on tour, we’re not really going to have much chance for regular dating. So, yeah, it would actually make a lot of sense, and I could certainly get on board with having regular awesome sex. I don’t know whether Jess would be interested or not, though.”

“Oh, I think I could be persuaded,” came a voice from behind me. I turned to see Jess lounging in the doorway to my room, also wrapped in a towel.

“And how might I do that?” I asked her huskily.

“Well, helping to save the planet by selflessly sharing your shower would be a good start…”

“Good, good, off you go then,” said Ferdi, shooing us towards the bathroom. “Just… please don’t do anything inappropriate with the soap.”

“Don’t worry,” I told him, “neither of us wants to get a yeast infection…”

* * *

It was late February, and we had a few days’ break between finishing rehearsals and starting the tour. Mostly, I just wanted to sleep, but instead I took the opportunity to head down to Philly for a couple of days; I hadn’t seen my friends there since Kate’s wedding, and I felt like I was long overdue for a visit. Vic picked me up at the station, ostensibly so she could show me the way to her new place – like I can’t use Google maps – but more likely because I’d mentioned picking up a cheesesteak for lunch when I got in.

“You _can_ just go out and get one of these whenever you want,” I told her as we waited at the counter.

“I know; I just feel a lot less guilty about the calories if I’m coming here with a friend. Don’t ask me to explain it.”

We ate our sandwiches as we ambled slowly across to Vic’s building. I hadn’t realized that she’d bought the entire thing; I guess it makes sense if you have as much money as she does. Vic showed me around like a proud mother, and I have to admit it’s a nice little business she’s got going. Her new apartment isn’t quite as big as the one she used to share with Kate but, as she smugly pointed out, she doesn’t have to pay rent – in fact she has five others she’s _collecting_ rent on. I was a little bit tempted to slap her after that, given that I’ll shortly be paying rent on an apartment I’m not even living in most of the time.

We headed over to Kate and Aaron’s place for dinner. She immediately came over and gave me a big hug. “How’re you doing?” she asked, studying my face closely.

“I’m good,” I assured her, smiling. “I’ve put what happened to Max behind me, and I’m really looking forward to going on tour. We’ve got a fantastic dance company who I love working with, and I get to visit loads of new and exciting places.”

“That’s great!” Kate told me, enthusiastically. “I’m so happy for you.”

“Speaking of Max, thanks for interfering.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” Kate told me primly.

“So… it’s just a big giant coincidence that after three months, she finally got around to replying to me email a couple of hours after I talked to you?”

“Obviously.” I had to admit, Kate’s poker face was impressive. “Anyway, I have some good news of my own.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“I’m pregnant!”

It was my turn to sweep _her_ up in a big hug. “Congratulations! That’s awesome news; when are you due?”

“Around the beginning of August, so I’m not looking forward to the last month or two.”

“Let’s hope for a cool summer, then.” I took a moment to go over to the kitchen and congratulate Aaron too. Kate followed me and took over the last of the cooking, teasing her husband that he still wasn’t ready to be left unsupervised. Instead, I helped him set the table while Vic sous-chef’d.

Over dinner Vic finally asked, “so, have you met anyone new?”

I shook my head for it. “I’ve been too busy with rehearsals, and besides, I’m about to spend months on tour, and I’m considering doing more of the same after this one, so it doesn’t really seem like the time to go looking for a serious relationship.”

“That seems fair, besides you want to be free to take advantage of all those groupies! Just think about it, a different lover in every city…”

“Tori!” Kate shook her head at her.

“Honestly? Not that tempting; I’m not a big fan of casual sex. Besides, it turns out that Jess is going to be dancing with me, so you can be sure I won’t be going without.”

After dinner, Kate took me out to the front porch, where they had a couple of chairs set up. “So tell me, how are you _really_ doing with the whole Max thing?”

I sighed, “I’m okay, truly. I mean, yes it sucks that we didn’t get back together, but… if we had, I probably wouldn’t be doing this tour – and that’s something I’ve dreamed about since I was tiny. I completely understand why she reacted the way she did; in hindsight, I should have done a better job of explaining the situation with Ferdi _before_ we jumped into bed together. It’s simply bad luck that she happened to meet someone before we were able to fix things. Well, bad luck for me. Good luck for her, I guess.” I hesitated, before asking, “Sam does make her happy, right?”

“Disgustingly so,” Kate admitted.

“That’s good, then, I want for her to be happy.”

Kate smiled at me. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry things turned out this way.”

“You know what they say: ‘life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans’. It turns out I’m happy with my life, even without Max in it – I probably wouldn’t be doing this awesome dance thing if we’d got together. And Jess makes me happy, even if all we have is friendship. And sex. Lots of sex.”

“Lots of sex is good,” agreed Kate. “Strangely, my mother failed to warn me that one of the side effects of pregnancy was that I’d be horny _all the time_.” I simply stared at her, open-mouthed. “What? My abstinence pledge only lasted until the wedding; and that’s a _lot_ of lost time I had to catch up on…”

“Um. Yeah. Fair point. It’s just going to take a little while to get used to hearing you talking about sex without turning right red. Anyways, I think maybe it’s time to get back in touch with Max, see if we can rebuild our friendship… again.”

“Sounds like a plan; it never feels right when you two are on the outs.”

I laughed. “Well, we certainly don’t want to be making you sad. And you never know, maybe someday we’ll get another chance.”

* * *

It was early April when I decided that I’d had enough of waiting. It had been a little over six months since I started dating Sam, and I’d fallen head-over-heels in love with them. As we were both still living with parents, private time had been hard to come by – I was hoping that Sam would agree to my plan for changing that. I could afford it now; in addition to working part time in the store, Sam had helped me pick up a steady trickle of freelance jobs from the paper where they worked, and I’d also signed up with an agency which set me up with as the photographer for weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, and the like.

I had a late afternoon meeting with the editor I got assignments from; he was happy with my work, and was giving me the chance to pick and choose my jobs so that I could fit them in around my schedule, rather than the take it or leave it approach we’d had before. When that was done, I wandered over to the open-plan office where Sam worked, but was disappointed to find they weren’t at their desk. Despite the fact that I’d only been there a couple of times before, one of their colleagues recognized me and shouted loudly, “Oi! Sam! Your girlfriend’s here!”

I winced as several pairs of eyes turned to stare at me. A few moments later, Sam appeared from a side room. Their face burst into a smile as they spotted me, and they hurried over. “Hey, babe, this is a nice surprise.”

“Yeah, well, I was in the building, so I though I’d come and see if you were free for dinner.”

“That sounds like an awesome plan. Just give me a few minutes to finish this up, and I’ll be right with you.” They went back to the room they’d come from, and I sat down in their chair.

“So,” began the shouty co-worker, “settle a bet for us. You’ve been dating for six months; surely you must know if Sam’s a man or a woman.”

“Sam is neither a man, nor a woman, as I’m sure they’ve made clear to you… but I assume you’re referring to their physical attributes. _If_ I had any information about that, I certainly wouldn’t share it.”

“Ah, well, you can’t blame a man for trying,” he said with a grin that said he’d been expecting my non-answer. “How does Sam get you all to stay quiet, though?”

“I can’t speak for anyone else, but they showed _me_ the corner of the basement where they buried the body of the last person who talked.” That earned me a laugh, and he turned back to his work.

Five minutes later, Sam and I were heading out. It was a few blocks to the fancy restaurant I’d picked; since we weren’t in a hurry, we took the opportunity to stretch our legs. I hadn’t known how quickly Sam would be able to get away when I made the reservation, so we still had plenty of time for a drink at the bar before our table was ready. Sam waited until we were sat down and had placed our order before finally asking, “So, what’s all this in aid of?”

“Do I need a reason to take my gorgeous, clever, and funny datefriend out for dinner?”

“Of course not; that doesn’t mean you don’t have one, though.”

“Well, gosh darn it, you’ve seen right through me!” Sam laughed. “You’re right, of course, there was something I wanted to ask you. We’ve been together for more than half a year now, and I was wondering if maybe you might be interested in the two of us moving in together.”

It took Sam a moment to respond. “Wow, I uh…”

“Of course, if it’s too soon, then…” I blurted out at their hesitation.

“No,” Sam cut me off, “it’s not. It’s just that I’ve been thinking about that recently, too. Dad’s been talking about selling the apartment; he’s been sleeping in the guest bedroom ever since Mom died, because he can’t bear to go into their old room. I think me still being there is part of what’s holding him back, so it’s probably time to get a place of my own – and there’s nothing I’d love more than to share that place with you.”

“Yeah, me too; I’m tired of only getting to see you a few times a week – even if ‘a few’ seems to be ‘at least four or five’ these days. I really like the idea of coming home to you every night. Plus, my parents have started making subtle hints about how maybe it’s time I started paying rent.”

“I guess we need to start checking out the real estate listings, then,” said Sam with a big smile.

* * *

It took a little under a month for us to find a suitable apartment, pick out some furniture, convince our suddenly-reluctant parents that, yes, we really were leaving home, and organize the move. At last, though, Sam’s dad had said his final, slightly tearful, goodbye, and we were alone n our new home. Sam pulled me into their arms. “Now I have you all to myself,” they whispered, before kissing me.

“Yup, no more parents keeping tabs on our coming and goings, even though we’re well into our twenties. No more worrying about being interrupted at an… inopportune moment.”

“I get to come home to you every evening, and wake up with you every morning. I know you’ve had that before, but I haven’t, and it’s both exciting, and a little bit scary.”

“It’s going to be great,” I promised. “Assuming you don’t get sick of me being around all the time.”

“I don’t think I could get sick of being around the woman I love.”

“I love you too,” I told them with a big, soppy grin. “So, what shall we unpack first?”

“I vote for the bedding,” said Sam, “and then… everything else can wait.”

* * *

It was late July when I got a call from Kate. “Hey, you about ready to pop?” I asked her.

“Actually… it seems my daughter was a little bit eager to get herself born.”

“You have a baby girl?” I asked, excited. “Congratulations! What did you call her?”

“Rachel; Rachel Oriana Santos.”

“That’s beautiful, I look forward to meeting her, although I’m not sure when I’ll have the chance.”

“We’ll be having her baptism in a few months; I hope that you’ll be able to make it – Sam would be welcome to come as well, of course.”

“Let me know when you’ve set the date, we’ll do our very best to be there. How’re you doing?”

“Happy, so very, very happy. I’m sure that will wear off a little after a couple of weeks of nights without much sleep, but right now I don’t care – I have a daughter!”

I laughed. “I’m so happy for you, Kate. Thanks for letting me know. I’m sure you have other calls to make, and sleep to catch up on, so I won’t keep you any longer. Give my love to Rachel and Aaron, and I’m sure I’ll talk to you again soon.”

“Count on it. Goodbye, Max.”

“Bye, Kate.”

* * *

After more than six months on the road, it felt good to finally be heading home for more than just a few days. Jess was dozing with her head on my shoulder as our tour bus made its way through the outskirts of the city; we’d been sharing a room and spending most of our time together the whole time we’d been away, and had become closer than ever. That’s not to say we’d developed a romantic attraction – even the beginnings of it that I’d felt our first time together hadn’t resurfaced. Jess was still planning to settle down with a guy at some point, and I didn’t see her as someone I’d want to spend the rest of my life with – other than as a friend.

Nevertheless, we’d agreed to dial things down once we got back to New York; for a few months at least. The tour had been a huge success, and the producers were talking about doing another the next year. Our choreographer had said that any of us who wanted to sign up for that would be welcome to skip the audition process. The bonuses we’d gotten – plus the fact that there hadn’t been much opportunity to spend our pay – meant that I had easily enough money to take the whole of the fall off work and just relax. I’d mostly decided to re-sign for another year of touring – maybe two or three, given the opportunity – and even if that didn’t pan out, I wouldn’t need to start looking for work until well into the New Year.

Jess woke up just as the bus pulled in. “We home?” she asked, sleepily.

“Yeah, I have to say I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.”

“Me too. No offense, but I’m kinda looking forward to having it to myself, too.”

“None taken,” I said with a smile. Working together _and_ essentially living together could be a little too much of a good thing. We filed off the bus and collected our bags, then shared a big hug. “The last few months have been awesome,” I said.

“They have, haven’t they?” Jess replied with a smile. “I feel like I could see sleep for a week, though.”

I snorted at that. “You’d get bored after a couple of days.”

“True, besides, that’ll probably about the point when I start missing your sorry ass and drag you out for cocktails or some shit.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I gave her another hug. “I’ll see you around.”

“Not if I see you first!”

The moment I opened the door of the apartment, I found myself swept up and spun around. “You’re home!” Ferdi exclaimed excitedly.

“Yes, I am,” I said, laughing, “and it’s great to see you again.” When he put me down, I saw his boyfriend smirking at me from the couch. “Hi, Harry, good to see you too.” He’d moved in just after I went on tour; it meant that Ferdi wasn’t stuck here by himself, and the rent got split three ways. That took a little bit of the sting out of paying for a room I’d barely been using. The two of them quizzed me about the tour, the state of my relationship with Jess, and my plans for the next few weeks. I told them that, beyond going to visit Kate, Aaron and Rachel, I didn’t have any. I have to admit, saying that out loud sounded pretty damn good.

* * *

The invite Kate had sent me to Rachel’s baptism had given me the option of a plus one. I’d thought about taking Jess, but we’d agreed to avoid doing anything quite so coupley, so I hadn’t actually asked her. I regretted that the moment I saw Max with her new partner. Vic had warned me they’d be there the evening before – she’d kindly offered to put me up for a couple of nights – but I’d shrugged it off then. I’d known about Sam for months, of course, and Max had told me that they’d moved in together, but knowing it was one thing; seeing them, so obviously in love, was quite another. I wanted to be happy for her, but it seemed there were some other emotions I’d need to deal with first.

I pushed all that aside as the service began. I couldn’t help but smile at the pride on Kate and Aaron’s faces as they stepped up to the font; Kate was holding Rachel, who was smiling and waving her little arms around. Behind them followed the godparents: Kate’s sister Ruth I knew, Aaron’s brother Tomàs I recognized from the wedding… and Victoria Chase. I’d been gobsmacked when she’d told me the night before; the other two made sense, both being from religious families, whereas Vic… really wasn’t. In fairness, she admitted to having been as baffled as me, but said that Kate just wanted her to be a ‘cool aunt’.

Afterwards, there was a lunch buffet at a nearby restaurant, where I tried to mingle whilst avoiding Max and Sam – without _looking_ like I was avoiding them. I knew that I was merely putting off the inevitable; I assumed that Max was also on the ‘immediate family and close friends’ guest list and would also be heading back to Kate and Aaron’s place afterwards. Sure enough, almost as soon as Vic an I got there, I got approached – not by Max, though, but by Sam.

“Hi,” they said, nervously, “Dana, right?” I nodded. “I’m Sam, and I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m not sorry that I’m with Max, but I _am_ sorry if my happiness came at your expense. I don’t presume to know whether you two would have gotten back together after what happened – or even if _you_ wanted that – but I do know that me coming along made sure that you didn’t. If I’d know what was going on, I’d never have asked Max out in the first place, but by the time we talked about this stuff, I was already falling for her. Ugh, I’m rambling. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, and I’m not trying to be your friend, I just… wanted you to know.”

I stared at Sam for a few seconds. “You’re making it really hard for me to hate you right now,” I told them, and they let out a small sigh of relief. “I know you didn’t set out to steal my girlfriend – hell, it’s been years since Max actually _was_ my girlfriend – and the person I blame most for what happened is Penny; she’s the one who fucked with Max’s head so that she couldn’t trust me.”

Sam’s eyes darkened. “Yeah, she’d better fucking hope I never meet her.”

I couldn’t help smiling at that. “You and me both. Listen, I’m probably going to have a problem with you for a while, but it’s mostly because I’m jealous rather than because I think you did anything wrong. And, honestly, it’s not all bad – I’d probably never bothered with the audition that led to me going on the awesome dance tour I did if I’d thought there was a chance of me getting back together with Max. Keep her happy, and you won’t get any grief from me.” That was when I saw a door on the other side of the room open and Max appear; I got an evil thought. “Max just came out of the bathroom; lets wind her up by pretending to fight.”

Sam raised an eyebrow, but almost immediately a wicked grin appeared on their face, and they began gesticulating angrily at me while speaking nonsense in a hushed tone. I quickly joined in, and it was only a few seconds before a worried Max interposed herself between us. “Guys, please don’t fight…” One look at her face, and I cracked up, with Sam quickly following suit. Max just stared at us with a comical expression of surprise on her face, but then a smile appeared.

“C’m’ere, you,” I told Max, and we shared a brief hug.

“You two are terrible,” she said, “but I’m glad you seem to be getting along.” She turned her smile on Sam, and soon they were kissing. Normally I don’t mind PDA’s, but it’s a bit different when one of the people involved is an ex who you still have serious feelings for. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, where I took some deep breaths to compose myself, and used some toilet tissue to dab at the tears which were threatening. When I stepped out, I practically walked into Vic.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” I said, perhaps a little curtly.

“Yeah, about as fine as I am,” she muttered, but didn’t say anything more.

It wasn’t until we got back to Vic’s apartment that we talked about why we were both out of sorts. Vic quickly surmised that I wasn’t dealing well with seeing Max and Sam together. I, however really wasn’t sure what was going on with Vic; her friendship with Kate seemed as strong as ever, and she was completely besotted with Rachel. It completely blindsided me, then, when she confessed to being in love with Kate. With benefit of hindsight, it actually doesn’t seem that surprising, but she Vic said she’d had the same realization after she finally admitted it to herself.

After that, we made our way onto a second bottle of wine while lamenting our unrequited loves, although we called it a night well before finishing it. For some reason, probably related to the alcohol, I didn’t end up in the spare room; despite sleeping in there previous night. Instead, I ended up in Vic’s bed, something that she seemed perfectly happy about. As she had last time, Vic refused to wear anything to sleep and, as before, I decided to follow suit.

This time, though, our fragile state led to a desire for physical contact. Alcohol-lowered inhibitions meant that we were happy to cuddle up despite our nudity. Well, that and it had been a while since I’d held someone like that. When my hands began to roam, Vic’s hesitantly began to follow suit, and then… then we were kissing. A little uncertainly at first, but once it became clear that it was something we both wanted, with more passion. I allowed a hand to find its way to Vic’s chest; she gasped, and kissed me harder, her hand tentatively cupping my ass.

And then…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Seven](/works/13286709/chapters/36161289) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_.


	12. Passing Faces on the Road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that this is a little shorter than my chapters have been of late, but Max and Dana both seem to have settled into nice, routine lives…

I woke up the next morning still tangled up with Vic, and feeling a lot more relaxed than I had in a long time – although one of my arms was stuck in a distinctly uncomfortable position. When I moved to free it, Vic’s eyes fluttered open. “Hey,” she said, sleepily.

“Hey, yourself!” I moved in to kiss her, and my free hand began roaming across her body; I was rather hoping to pick up where we’d left off the night before. Vic, though, had other plans. Gently, she pushed me away.

“No, I…” She looked uncomfortable. That was when I remembered what she’d admitted at Kate’s wedding, and I got a horrible suspicion I knew what was going on.

“Vic,” I asked carefully, “was last night your first time?” She nodded jerkily, and I felt a flash of guilt. “I’m sorry, you deserved for that to be more than just a drunken one-night stand with a friend. I didn’t mean to pressure you into…”

“You didn’t, I just… don’t want to do it again.” Well, that stung a little. I’ve always prided myself on leaving my lovers wanting more. “It’s not you,” she added hurriedly, “it just… made me a little uncomfortable, and didn’t really do anything for me.” She sat up, pulling her knees to her chest. “The thing is, I’ve never really had a desire to… have sex. I thought it was because I was still a virgin, and that I just never found the right person. Now… I’m not so sure.”

“You do masturbate though?” I asked, not quite believing what I was asking.

“I do occasionally, but only really for stress relief, or to help me sleep; I’ve never done it just for pleasure.”

“Oh.” I was accustomed to getting myself off regularly when I didn’t have someone to do it for me – and sometimes even then.

“Is there something wrong with me?” Vic asked after a while.

“What? No!” I shrugged. “Not everyone is interested in sex. Maybe you’re simply asexual.”

“There are other people who feel like this?”

“Yes, more than you’d think. Google it, do some research, maybe find someone to talk to.”

“Okay,” she nodded slowly. “And… thanks, for last night. I think I needed to do that at least once to start figuring this out, and I glad it was with someone I trust; someone who cares and understands.”

“Um. You’re welcome?” I was feeling slightly awkward and, unfortunately, still kinda horny. Vic had obviously picked up on that, and made a suggestion for helping me deal with it. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn’t only the horny that was diminished by getting myself off in her arms.

* * *

It was early spring when the next big change to my life came along. When Sam got home, I could tell that something had happened; they had this air of nervous excitement about them. I greeted them with a smile and a kiss, but didn’t ask. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Sam, it’s that they like to tell people things in their own time. Instead, I went back to the kitchen to carry on making dinner. Later, as I was putting the food on the table, Sam pulled a couple of beers from the fridge. They cracked one open and passed it to me, then took a long drink from their own. I raised an eyebrow. “Are we celebrating… or is there another reason we need alcohol?”

We both sat down; Sam took a bite of their dinner. “Mmm, this is delicious.” Honestly, I couldn’t decide whether they were just naturally reticent, or if they simply enjoyed winding me up. “Anyway, I got a call from a headhunter this afternoon, offering me a job.” That got my attention.

“Sounds exciting,” I told them.

Sam nodded. “It wouldn’t be a huge bump in seniority, but the money is way better, and I’d be writing for a bigger newspaper.”

“That’s awesome! Is this a done deal, or more just an invitation to apply for the job?”

“He said I’d have to do a Skype interview with one of the editors, but I got the impression that it’s mostly a formality; they’d already seen my work and specifically targeted me because of it.”

“That’s even better, it means that you totally earned this opportunity. I am _so_ happy for you.” I held up my bottle and they clinked theirs against it. “So, am I going to recognize the name of your future employer?”

“I’m not sure. Have you ever heard of a little paper called the _New York Times?_ ”

I was tempted to play along by feigning ignorance, but I think the way my jaw dropped scuppered that plan. “Whoa. That is incredible! I am _so proud_ of you.”

“Yeah, it is, but… it would mean that I’d have to move to the other side of the country.”

I didn’t even need to stop and think before replying, “no, it means that _we_ get to move to New York!”

“You’d be okay with that?”

“Honey, I’d _love_ to live in New York for more than just a summer. The place kinda grew on me.”

“What about your folks? Your work?”

I shrugged. “My parents coped with me being in LA for four years, they’ll cope with this. It’s not like they expected me to stay in Seattle forever. And I’m sure I can find some work in the Big Apple, even if it’s just being your housewife for the first couple of months. Plus, I might have a contact or two in the area.”

“So, you’re really okay with this?”

“More than okay.”

Well, apart from the fact that my ex – who I’m _definitely_ not still a little bit in love with – also lives in New York. But, hey, it’s a big city; it would be ridiculously unlikely that we’d just bump into each other, right?

* * *

A couple of months later, we were settling into our new apartment in Queens. It was tiny, of course – but then, thanks to the Amazon effect, we hadn’t been able to afford anything much bigger in Seattle. Sam was eagerly looking forward to their first day at the _Times_ , and I was simply going to be looking for work. I’d put in a call to the modeling agency where I interned the summer after high school, but it turned out that Alexa Romano had moved back to Australia not long after I finished, so there went _that_ carefully networked contact. They were able to put me in touch with the photographer I’d worked with, though, and we’d arranged to meet up later in the week.

Wednesday lunchtime, then, found me in a small café that Michelle had recommended. “Hello again, Max,” she said as she sat down at opposite me, “sorry I’m a little late.”

“Not a problem,” I told her. “Thanks for taking the time to meet me.”

“It’s always good to catch up with an old mentee,” she told me, then gestured at the portfolio I’d left on the table. “May I?” I nodded; she picked it up and started looking through it. “Besides, you never know who might turn out to be a useful contact.”

I thought for a moment. “Well, I did go to high school with Victoria Chase.”

“As in the Chase Space?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think she really gets on with her parents, so I’m not sure how useful that would be. She does run her own gallery down in Philadelphia now, though.”

“Well, if she opens one here, put me in touch.” She put my portfolio back down. “This is good work, and not just the arty stuff that might end up in your friend’s gallery. You’ve got a good eye for event photography, too, and if we’re honest, that’s where you’ll find the regular income. There are a couple of agencies I work with that I’d be happy to put in a good word for you with.”

“Thanks, that really means a lot to me,” I told her, earnestly. “If I get the chance to hook you up with Victoria, I’ll be sure to do it.”

“That would be great; and, if not, pay it forward to the next generation of eager young shutterbugs.”

* * *

It was the spring of 2020 when Max let me know that she and Sam were moving to New York – since Rachel’s baptism, we’d been keeping in sporadic touch via email. I was away on tour, so there was no question of us meeting up then, even if I wanted to. After my reaction last time we saw each other, I wasn’t sure if I _did_ want to. Max didn’t suggest it either; whether because she knew I was on tour, or because she was uncertain about it as I was, I had no idea.

Once the tour was over, my first order of business was to take a quick trip down to Philly to catch up with Kate and her family, as well as Vic. When I talked to Kate about my ‘to see, or not to see’ dilemma, she told me that I was being daft, and that of course I should see Max – at least once. She claimed that Rachel agreed with her, but I’m not convinced it was an accurate translation of her baby-speak.

I put the same question to Vic the next morning as we snuggled in bed, trying to put off getting up for me to catch my train. I was staying at her place, and after going out to celebrate her birthday on the Friday night, we’d ended up in bed together. This time, though, we both knew that she’s ace, and that nothing would be happening beyond some much needed cuddling. Anyway, she had much the same advice as Kate, so I decided to go for it.

Of course, that didn’t stop me procrastinating a little longer, so it was nearly the end of August before Max and I finally met up. I’d suggested a tapas place in the Village that I’d first been to more than five years ago when Kate and Vic came up from Philly after their freshman year at Penn. Happily, the food and drink were as good as I remembered. I was also secretly pleased that Sam had ended up working late and was unable to join us – although Max was unimpressed.

After a couple of drinks, we both relaxed, and the initial awkwardness melted away. We were talking, and laughing, and feeding each other little bits of food. I was dimly aware that this was possibly an inappropriate level of flirtiness given that Max was dating someone else, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. We were having fun, and it wasn’t like I actually had any intention of trying to seduce her away from Sam. Much as I would like to get back together with her, that’s not how I’d want it to start.

It’s probably for the best that we were done eating by the time Sam finally showed up. They apologized profusely for being late, and it seemed like the alcohol had washed away Max’s grumpiness, so I conducted an intense study of the table while they greeted each other. When I looked back up, they were sitting close together, and still holding hands. It was hard to dislike Sam when they so obviously made Max happy, no matter how much I’d like to be in their place.

The three of us hung out for another hour or so, before Max said she needed to head home – she had a wedding to photograph the next day. That evening was enough to leave me with mixed feelings; these were two people that I’d love to spend more time hanging out with – if it weren’t for that fact that one of them was my ex and the other her new partner. Hopefully time will heal that, especially if _I_ meet someone new as well, but as I’m planning on doing at least one more tour, that’s not going to happen for a while.

* * *

I wasn’t sure how to feel about seeing Dana again. Sam being held up at work meant that we were alone together for a couple of hours. It was worrying how easily we fell back into old patterns, laughing and flirting. How easily I forgot all about the person I’m actually in a relationship with. It’s not like anything inappropriate happened; neither of us made a move on the other, or anything like that. What bothered me was the uneasy feeling that if Dana _had_ suggested some sort of clandestine hook-up, I would at least have been tempted.

I practically threw myself at Sam when we got home, grateful that they were doing well with their self-image at the time, and were happy to be dragged straight to bed. Afterwards, I lay back with a happy sigh. “You okay?” Sam asked me.

“Yeah, I was just a little bit… uncertain after seeing Dana.” After what happened with Penny, I’d promised myself to always be honest in my relationships, no matter what.

Sam raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t I the one supposed to be insecure about you spending alone time with your ex?”

I managed a small laugh. “No, it’s just… seeing her stirred up some residual feelings, and I needed some reassurance that my feelings for you are way stronger.” I leaned in to kiss them, then whispered in their ear, “which they _totally_ are.” Even so, I made sure that Sam was with me the couple of other times I saw Dana before she disappeared off on her next tour.

One major benefit of being in New York was being able to see Kate much more frequently; whilst I’d still kept in regular touch with both her and Monica during my time in Seattle, it wasn’t the same as being able to meet face-to-face. Plus, there was now baby Rachel to spend time with. I’d been a little wary of her at first, given my limited experience with – and previous lack of interest in – children, but she’d quickly won me over. Unfortunately, that meant there might be another storm brewing, as Sam had made it very clear that they had zero interest in having children of their own; I’d previously felt the same way, but was starting to have second thoughts. That could wait, though; what I wanted to talk to Kate about was the more immediate problem of Dana.

“I don’t see the problem,” Kate said. “Are you thinking about cheating on Sam?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Do you think that Dana is going to make a move on you, or do something that strains your relationship with Sam?”

“I can’t really see her doing that, no.”

“Neither can I. We talked about this last time I saw her, and the main thing she was worried about was that she might _inadvertently_ do that.” Kate sighed, and leaned back. “Dana still… cares about you. She wants you to be happy, and she knows that Sam makes you happy, so she isn’t going to do anything to mess with that. Deep down, I think you know that, so I have to ask, what _is_ the problem?”

“The problem is I still… care about her too, and no matter how happy I am with Sam – and trust me, they make me _incredibly_ happy – there’s this nasty little part of me that wonders… what if I hadn’t overreacted when I overheard that phone call?” I shook my head. “I’d never do anything about it; I couldn’t hurt Sam like that, and I don’t want to gamble my _own_ happiness on a ‘what if?’ I just wish I could move past this.”

“I’m not sure what to suggest; I don’t think those feelings are really something you can simply turn off. You need to find a way to… not let them bother you. The only thing I can think of is talking to Sam, or Dana, or both. Maybe what you’re worried about is somebody finding out, and having it all in the open will negate that. Of course, it might also be a _bad_ idea, but you know Sam better than I do.”

I chewed that over, and decided to go with Kate’s suggestion. After dinner one night, I sat down with Sam, and told them everything. When I finished, they simply reached out to take my hands, looked me in the eye, and said, “I trust you, Max.” It turns out that Kate was right; that was all I needed to hear.

Of course, for the next six months and more, it was something of a moot point; Dana was away on tour, so I wouldn’t have been able to see her anyway. When she _did_ get back to New York, though, we did end up hanging out once or twice a week. Sam actively encouraged it, as an antidote to the increasing number of evenings they’d been working late, perhaps. Anyway, Dana and I seem to have settled into a mostly comfortable friendship; the undercurrent of mutual attraction is still there, but we seem better able to simply ignore it now.

* * *

The end of fall brought with it the start of training season; new dances to learn for the next year’s show. We had a quite a few new dancers with us this time around – it seemed that three years of this was enough for many of our original crew – but I was glad that Jess was still part of the group. I found that I was looking forward to the actual touring rather less than the last couple of years; the shine, the excitement of performing in all sorts of different parts of the country, seemed to be wearing off. I decided that maybe I’d start thinking about looking for new work once my fourth tour was over.

There were other reasons for wanting to be a little more settled, as well. Whilst neither of them had said anything, I got the impression that Ferdi and Harry were starting to get a bit resentful of me invading what they increasingly saw as ‘their’ apartment for a few months each year – even if the gaps between tours got shorter each time. I had enough money saved up that I could easily afford to get my own place now, but that was hard to justify when I was barely going to be there for a good eight months or more. If I could find a job that kept me in one city, that would change things.

There was also the fact that Kate was pregnant again; it had gotten me thinking again about how I’d like to have a partner and children of my own someday. That, too, needed me to be settled; first to meet someone and build a relationship, and then to raise a family. Unlike Jess, I wasn’t fussed about carrying the child myself, and would be more than happy to adopt – although if my future partner was a woman who wanted to have a biological child, I’d be fine without that too. Either option would mean no time off from my dancing career for most of a pregnancy, and months of getting back into shape afterwards.

Of course, that still left the small matter of finding a partner; it was years since I’d been seriously looking. I’d had the odd summer fling, but Jess and I had continued our arrangement over the last few years, during rehearsals and while we were on tour. Honestly, I’d have been happy to settle down with her at that point, but she’d remained adamant that she wanted a guy for her life partner. Max and Sam still seem happy together, so no chance of getting back together with her. I guess that when the time comes, I’ll just have to throw myself into the dating pool and hope for the best.

A ray of hope came in March the next year. We were doing two nights in Miami so we had the luxury of a lazy morning without having to check out of the hotel and get on a bus. Jess and I were lying in a pleasant post-coital daze, when I got a call from Ferdi. He asked if Jess was there, and when I said yes, asked me to put him on speaker.

“Hi Jess, so I’ve got an interesting career opportunity to float with you two. I know a guy who’s looking to set up an off-Broadway dance show. He’s got this grand scheme to mix up a bunch of styles, and constantly rotate in new pieces, so it’s never the same show twice. He’s hired some computer nerd to create an app which can automatically create a program for each show on the fly, based on who’s available and which dances they can do, all that shit. He’s looking for some experienced dancers to join the initial company, with rehearsals starting in September. I’m gonna go for it, and I thought you ladies might be interested too.”

Jess and I shared a look. “That sounds really good,” I said, “I wasn’t planning on re-enlisting for a fifth tour, and having a new job lined up would be awesome.”

Jess nodded. “What Dana said; this whole ‘waking up each morning not remembering which city I’m in’ thing is getting _old_. Are we going to have to audition, and will be able to get to it?”

“From what my friend said, it’s going to be invite-only to start with, so no big open auditions. If they decide they’re interested in you, then it’ll be a private final audition, and that wouldn’t need to be until after your tour is over.”

“Sign me up!” Jess said.

“Me too,” I agreed. “Anyone else we know involved?” Ferdi mentioned a couple of names I vaguely recognized from our time at NYADA. We chatted for a few minutes before hanging up with thanks for the opportunity.

“So,” said Jess, throwing off the covers and running her hands over my body, “we should celebrate.”

“Totally,” I agreed, pulling her into a kiss.

* * *

There’s been something off the last few months. Sam has become a little… withdrawn? Distracted? I can’t really put my finger on it. The first year and a half after we moved to New York were fantastic. Being in a new city, where we didn’t really know anyone, had pushed us closer together than ever. I was as happy as I can ever remember being, and as far as I could tell, Sam was too. Now, something has changed. They’ve been working late more, and our physical relationship – which has always had its ups and downs – seemed to be at its lowest ebb.

I wanted to ask if there was something wrong, but I was scared of what the answer might be – or to find that Sam had no idea what I was talking about. The final straw came on Valentine’s Day; I don’t really buy into the overblown thing that it’s begun – we shouldn’t need a Hallmark Holiday to remind us to show our partners that we love them – but that hadn’t stopped me from making an effort. I’d passed on a pretty lucrative job opportunity to stay home and prepare Sam’s favorite meal. Everything was in the oven, and I just had to wait for them to get back from work… and wait… and wait… and wait…

It was well after ten by the time Sam finally came home. I was curled up on the couch, reading – and trying really hard not to cry. I looked up when I heard their key in the door, just in time to catch their reaction to the neatly laid dining table, complete with a single red rose, and candles which were now little more than stumps. I saw their face crumple with sorrow and guilt. “Oh, Max, I’m so sorry. You didn’t say anything…”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” I told them in a small, defeated voice.

Sam sat down, and put an arm around me. “And I’ve ruined it. I really am very sorry, but I had no way of knowing…”

“It’s Valentine’s Day, Sam.” They flinched at that. “Surely you can’t have missed the pervasive advertising that’s, like, _everywhere?_ ”

“No, but… I hadn’t made the connection to today. There was stuff I had to finish up at work.”

“And I respect that, truly I do, although coming back _this_ late is really pushing it. All you had to do was send me a message to let me know you were going to be late; I was prepared for that. But you didn’t, and neither did you reply to any of the messages I sent you.”

“Max, I…” they trailed off, clearly unsure as to what to say.

“Please, just tell me what’s going on, Sam. I’m not completely blind, I know that something’s been bothering you. I can’t take much more of this.”

Sam sat back, closed their eyes, and rubbed a hand across their face. Eventually they looked back at me, and what I saw in their eyes was like a hammer blow to my heart. The next four words simply finished the job: “I’ve met someone else.”

“You…” I couldn’t manage to get anything more than that out; I may have been hyperventilating a little. Sam put their hands on my shoulders, telling me to breathe, and eventually I managed to calm myself down a little.

“I know it’s a cliché, but it’s not what it sounds like,” Sam said. “There’s nothing going on between us; we haven’t so much as held hands.”

“You know damn well that cheating doesn’t have to be physical,” I retorted.

Sam hung their head. “Yeah, I know.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Six months or so.”

_Six months?_ I felt like a prize idiot. “So, all those times you were ‘working late’, you were actually with… this other person?”

“I really was working late – well, mostly; sometimes we were out for drinks afterwards, although always as part of a group – but yes, with her. It was completely innocent at first; we were colleagues, who then became friends, who became best friends, who became… I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure I liked that last part, although at least the ambiguity gave me some hope.

“So, what about tonight? Did you just happen to be working late on Valentine’s Day? It does’t seem like the time for extended after-work drinks.”

“No, neither of those.” That didn’t sound good. “Jules cornered me after work to wish me happy Valentine’s Day, and… she told me that she’s in love with me.” That sounded worse.

The silence stretched between us for a few long moments before I worked up the nerve to ask, “and what did you say?”

“I didn’t really say anything. I panicked, and simply ran out of the office. I left my phone on my desk, which is the reason why I didn’t text you, but honestly I was in such a funk, I’m not sure I would have remembered to anyway. I wandered all the way up Eighth Avenue and then did a circuit of Central Park, lost in thought, before I realized how late it was and came home.”

“And where did your thoughts lead you? Are you in love with… Jules?”

Their hesitation alone was enough. “I’m not sure. I think I might be.” The sob that I’d been holding back finally broke free. Dimly, I was aware of Sam gently pulling me into their arms and stroking my back, and when they pulled back, I could see that I wasn’t the only one who was crying. “I am _so_ sorry, Max. I love you, and I would _never_ want to hurt you. I didn’t mean for this, I didn’t pursue it, it just… happened, and now I don’t know what to do.”

That sounded strangely familiar, and I had a sudden thought. “When I told you how I felt about Dana, and you told me that you trust me, what exactly did you mean? It wasn’t just that you trusted me not to cheat on you, was it?”

They shook their head. “No, I meant that I trusted you to do the right thing: for you, for both of us. If that had meant ending our relationship, then… I trusted you to be sure that was what you wanted, and I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship with someone who’d rather be with somebody else.”

“And now I need to trust you the same way, don’t I?”

Sam shook their head. “You don’t have to. Ask me to walk away from Jules, and I will.” It was tempting to ask them to do just that. Awfully tempting, but I don’t want to be that person, the one who needs to _possess_ their partner.

“If I do that, then I’m always going to wonder if you’re only with me because I made you stay, and sooner or later you’re going to end up resenting me. No, I’m going to have to trust you like you trusted me. You need to figure out how you feel about her, and if you feel the same way she does, then… then you’ll have a decision to make. All I ask is that you be completely honest with me.”

“Okay, if you’re sure, but… I don’t really know how I’m supposed to do this.”

“That’s easy; you do the same thing as anyone else would: go on a few dates with her. Away from work, away from other people, away from… away from me. Just so we’re clear, though, first base is as far as you go before you make that choice.”

“Max, I…” Sam began. I shook my head, cutting them off.

“I need to be alone right now.” I got up and hurried to our bedroom. Then, I lay down on the bed, and cried myself to sleep.

* * *

By the third date, I knew I’d lost Sam. After each one, they’d come back, bubbling over with happiness. I didn’t even know there was anything missing from our relationship, but clearly had been – and Sam had found it with this ‘Jules’ woman. I had a constant ache in my stomach as I waited for the other shoe to drop. Was this how Dana had felt after hearing about me and Sam? It was another few days before Sam finally sat me down. They already had tears on their face as they began. “Max, I… I really don’t know how to tell you this, but…”

I felt a strange calm settle over me as I resigned myself to what was to come. “It’s okay, I already know what you’re going to say.”

Sam sighed with ill-disguised relief. “I never meant for this to happen…”

“…but that heart wants what it wants?” I suggested.

“I feel like she’s my soulmate. Jules shares my passion for journalism, we have so many shared interests, and… she’s trans, so she understands what it’s like not to fit in the gender you were born with.”

I forced a smile. “I’m happy for you.” It wasn’t even a complete lie. “So, where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’ll keep sleeping on the couch for now, but I don’t think either of us will be comfortable with that for long.”

“So, what? Will you… move in with her?” For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to say her name.

“I don’t know. It’s probably a bit soon for that. I’ll figure something out, and I won’t leave you in the lurch.”

“Okay.” Neither of us had anything more to say after that, and all I could think was: _so, this is how a three-and-a-half year relationship ends; not with a bang, but with a whimper_.

* * *

The apartment felt painfully empty without Sam; I wasn’t sure I’d want to stay there by myself even if I could have afforded the rent. At least they had the decency to leave enough money to cover their share of the notice period, so I wouldn’t be totally screwed while I looked for a new place to live. I wandered listlessly from room to room, before finally sitting down with my laptop to start looking through property rental sites. I’d shortlisted a couple of promising shoeboxes and a well-appointed broom closet by the time my phone rang.

“Hi, Victoria,” I said, forcing myself to put on a cheery voice, “Kate about ready to pop?” She didn’t reply, instead I heard what sounded like heavy breathing – no, crying. “Victoria?” I asked, suddenly concerned. “What happened?”

“There’s been… a terrible accident.”

I felt an icy chill in my chest. “Is Kate…?” I couldn’t bring myself to finish the question.

“I don’t know!” There was pain and fear in Victoria’s voice unlike anything I’d heard before. Apartment hunting forgotten, I opened a new tab and checked the Amtrak website for train times to Philadelphia.

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Eight](/works/13286709/chapters/36551997) of _Fallin’ to Pieces_.
> 
> * * *
> 
> I’m sorry.
> 
> This moment has been a long time coming — the first draft of that final scene was written more than six months ago, when all I had post-Blackwell was an outline.


	13. Children Playing at My Feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the penultimate chapter, so we're into the home stretch now and I’m all out of bombshells. I was planning to have this up yesterday, but one of my wisdom teeth decided that crying in pain was a better use of my time than editing fanfic.  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

A scant fifteen minutes after the call from Victoria, I was in a cab on the way to Penn station with a hastily-packed bag. I called her back to let her know I was on the way. “With luck, I should be on a train in half an hour or so; I should be with you a couple of hours after that. I assume you’re at Kate’s place, looking after Rachel?”

“Yeah. Thanks for doing this. It means a lot that you’re willing to drop everything and come down here, and I’m sure Kate will feel the same way.”

“What are friends for, right? Besides, I still owe Kate for helping me through things at Blackwell.”

“Look, there’s one more thing I need to tell you,” said Victoria, and I knew from her tone of voice that it wasn’t good news. “Aaron didn’t make it. Their car was hit by a drunk driver, and the cop said he was killed instantly…”

“Shit! I’m so sorry, Victoria.” I only met him a few times – on most of my day trips to see Kate and Rachel, I left before he got home from work – but I know Victoria spent a lot of time with them together.

“Mostly I’m worried about Kate; this is going to devastate her.”

“You know better than me how strong she is. She _will_ get through this.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Look, I’m almost at the station. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Max.”

It was about two and a quarter hours later that I thrust some bills at the cab driver as we pulled up outside Kate’s house. I hurried up the path to knock on the front door, and the moment Victoria opened it, I pulled her into a hug. Eventually, we went inside and I asked if there was any news. She shook her head, saying she’d have to go to the hospital to find out what was happening. Something about the way she said it made me look at her more closely. Victoria was tensed, like a sprinter on the blocks, waiting to spring into action. This seemed like more than just concern for a friend.

“What aren’t you telling me?” I asked her.

“That I’m in love with Kate,” she replied, after a moment’s hesitation.

I stood there in shock at first, but as that wore off, I realized that it wasn’t actually much of a surprise. The way Victoria and Kate act around each other has had me more than once comparing them to an old married couple. Before that thought could take further form, I asked Victoria if Kate knew how she felt, and got a heartfelt hope that she didn’t. I wondered how long Victoria had been… suffering this; in love with her best friend, and knowing nothing could ever come of it. I told her to go, not wanting to keep her from Kate’s side a moment longer. After brief reassurance of my promise to look after Rachel, she practically ran out of the door.

* * *

The tour was really starting to take its toll on me. It wasn’t until Jess and I got back to our room that I remembered to check my phone. I had a couple of missed calls from Vic, along with a message asking me to call her back ASAP. It was around Kate’s due date, so I assumed it was about that. Vic picked up almost instantly when I dialed her number. “How’s Kate?” I asked.

“Kate’s alive, and the baby is fine,” she said carefully. The way she phrased it had me instantly on edge; it’s the sort of thing you say right before giving someone bad news, if you want to avoid them jumping to conclusions that are even worse than reality. I was somewhat ready, then, to be told about a car accident on the way to hospital, but nothing could prepare me for the news that Kate’s husband was dead. My hand flew up to my mouth, and the tears that had already been pricking at my eyes began to flow. Jess looked at me in sudden concern.

“How’s Kate?” I asked again.

“She’s in surgery at the moment,” Vic told me. “They did an emergency Caesarian, and right now the trauma surgeons are working on her legs. That’s all I really know.”

“I’m sorry, I wish I could be there for you.” Knowing what she admitted to me after Rachel’s baptism, I can’t imagine what Vic must be going through right now.

“Thanks, Dana. Max was able to come straight down – she’s looking after Rachel – and Ruth is going to try and catch a flight in the morning. I imagine that the rest of Kate’s family will probably get here some time tomorrow as well.”

“Good; look, I’m not sure how easily I’ll be able to get away, but if nothing else, I promise to be there for Aaron’s funeral, even if I have to go AWOL.”

“I’m sure Kate will appreciate that.”

“Give her my love when you see her, okay?”

“I will,” Vic promised. The moment I hung up, Jess had me in her arms, and I sobbed into her shoulder.

* * *

I was more than a little apprehensive about my first time looking after a small child by myself, and my immediate thought was to try and stay awake all night to keep an eye on Rachel. I quickly dismissed that as a bad idea and, after checking that she was still asleep, I settled down on the couch to try and get some rest. Sleep was still eluding me when Victoria called to give me good news about both Kate and her new daughter. That seemed to be what I needed to finally doze off – only to jerk awake again every time I heard a sound that I thought might be Rachel.

I was woken by the surprisingly loud sound of Rachel running around. I looked over the back of the couch just in time to see her disappear into Kate’s bedroom. “Mommy?” she called, before coming barreling back out, stopping when she saw me.

“Hello Rachel,” I said. “Do you remember me, your Mommy’s friend Max?”

Rachel nodded slowly, but still kept her distance. “Where are Mommy and Daddy?” she asked.

“It was time for the baby to come, so they’ve gone to the hospital.”

“Where’s Auntie Tori?” Rachel asked.

“She had to go as well, so she asked me to look after you.” Rachel didn’t look happy with that, so I sought desperately for something to distract her. “Would you like some breakfast?” I got up and went over to the kitchen, rooting through the cupboards and finding a box of what was obviously children’s cereal. On seeing that, Rachel ventured a small smile, and hurried over to the table.

After she’d eaten, Rachel asked when her parents would be home, and after I couldn’t answer that, when she could go and see them. Since I wasn’t able to tell her that either, she sulkily went to play with her toys, pushing me away when I tried to join her. I was grateful, then, to get a call from Victoria. I quickly explained the situation, and half an hour later she arrived to take us to the hospital. Rachel threw herself at ‘Auntie Tori’ the moment the door opened; it still seems odd to me to see Victoria the target of such unconditional love. I tried to ask how Kate was, but with Rachel peppering her with questions, Victoria had no chance to reply.

Once we got to the hospital, I sat down in the waiting area, while Victoria took Rachel to her mother. I couldn’t imagine what the upcoming conversation would be like for her, especially after everything else she’s been through. How do you explain to your three-year-old daughter that her father is dead? Victoria quickly returned with Kate’s sister Ruth; we said hello, before sitting mostly in silence while we gave Kate and Rachel some privacy.

It was a couple of hours later when Ruth woke me from an impromptu nap, telling me that Kate was ready to see us. I knew what to expect, but it was still a shock to see Kate with her legs completely encased in plaster. I sat down beside her and tried to find the words to tell her how sorry I was; she surprised me by reminding me that I know how she feels, because I lost someone too. It took me a while to realize that she was referring to Chloe. I wanted to tell her that wasn’t the same, but it was Kate who helped me through that grief, so she knows better than anyone.

A few hours later, Kate’s parents and other sister arrived; not long after that, Victoria, Ruth and I headed out. None of us had gotten much sleep the previous night, so we grabbed some sandwiches on the way to Victoria’s apartment, and went to bed not long after we got there. Somehow, I ended up in the small guest bedroom; I wondered where Ruth was sleeping, and got my answer the next morning when I saw her come out of Victoria’s room not long after I got up. We headed straight back to the hospital, so I didn’t get a chance to ask what that was about.

Now that there were more of us, Kate’s visiting hours got divided up so that she wasn’t getting crowded. During some of our downtime, Victoria introduced me to Qadira, the woman who’s now running her gallery/shop/studio thing, on the grounds that we’ll be working together if I do agree to actually help out with their future New York location. We actually first discussed that earlier in the year, but it was around the time things started falling apart with me and Sam, so I’d never really gotten anywhere with it. Hopefully I’ll find some time once things have settled down, although I could see that Victoria’s heart wasn’t really in it right then, either.

* * *

Our tour director isn’t _completely_ heartless. He agreed to give me one night off so that I could attend Aaron’s funeral. As we were in San Francisco, that meant catching the red-eye after our Wednesday night show; I’d have to fly straight back after the wake, arriving back in SF late – only the time difference making it before midnight. Not the most appealing of travel plans, but I needed to show Kate my support.

Vic picked me up from the airport and drove us back to her apartment. We had a couple of hours before we needed to leave again, so she suggested I freshen up. I didn’t need to be told twice, and headed straight for the bathroom. A shower made me feel decidedly more human again, and I’d just finished toweling off when I heard the door open behind me. I turned, ready to tease Vic for trying to sneak a peek at me, only to see someone else altogether. A half-awake Max stared at me for a few seconds, before turning bright red, muttering “sorry,” and fleeing.

It wasn’t until an hour or so later, as we tucked in to the waffles Vic had made before going to have her own shower, that we actually talked. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier,” Max said. “Victoria didn’t bother to let me know you were here.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I told her, “it’s not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before, right?”

“Well, no, but that’s not the point…”

“Besides, I’ve never been embarrassed about my body,” I added, pretending to ignore how flustered she was. “I do want to tell you how sorry I am about what happened between you and Sam; you deserved better than to have your heart broken again.” I meant it too, especially as someone who’s at least partially responsible for two of those times.

“Thanks, Dana,” Max said with a sad smile. “It has left me in a bit of a mess though, not least because the lease is up on our place next month, and there’s no way I can afford it by myself – even if I _did_ want to stay there.”

“And finding somewhere to live by yourself in New York, on your budget, is… challenging?” I spoke from experience, and Max nodded. “What you need is a housemate.”

“Not something I can find on short notice; sharing with a random stranger is _so_ not appealing.”

A sudden, wild idea occurred to me. “What if it wasn’t a stranger? Stop me if this sounds too awkward, but Ferdi and Harry would _really_ like to have our place to themselves now that they’re engaged, and since I’m planning on being back in New York full time after this tour, I’m in the market for a housemate too. What do you say? I’m sure between us we could afford a half-decent two-bed apartment.”

Max nodded slowly. “It would be nice to have a friend around the house – although we’ll want to make sure that the bathroom door has a lock on it!” I laughed. “You don’t want to move in with Jess, though?”

I shook my head. “We don’t have that kind of relationship. In fact, once this tour is over, I think it’s probably time for us to finally call it quits on being anything more than just friends.” Max nodded; she didn’t look at all unhappy about that news. “Look, are you okay to do the work of finding us a place? I’m happy to look a listings and so on, but I’m in no position to go to any viewings.”

“Um, sure,” said Max, “as long as you don’t complain about whatever I end up choosing.”

“Deal.”

The funeral itself was, well, a funeral. Aaron’s parents had organized it without consulting Kate at all; it seemed they didn’t even know about her wheelchair, so she had to give her eulogy awkwardly parked at the end of the aisle, without the help of a microphone. It was no less moving and heartfelt for that, though, and I could feel the tears welling up. Max’s hand found mine, and we held onto each other tightly.

We stuck together at the wake, too, both for comfort, and because we only knew a few of the people there. Max and Vic shared their anger about how Kate had been treated at the funeral while we waited for the crowd around Kate to clear. When we did finally go over, it was the first chance I’d had to talk to her. “Kate, I’m so sorry. Aaron was a wonderful man, and it’s not fair that you didn’t get to spend a long and happy life with him.” She reached out her arms, and I bent down to hug her.

“Thanks, Dana. Max told me how far you’ve come just to be here for a few hours, and it means the world to me. I’m truly blessed to have such friends.” The three of us talked for a few minutes, before making way for other mourners to pay their respects to the widow. The mood in the room was subtly changing, as people reminisced about Aaron; there was occasional laughter as friends recounted stories about him.

Max and I ended up talking with Ruth, who shared the unexpected memory, “I’ll never forget the expression on his face after I kissed Victoria.”

“Wait… what?” began Max. “Is there something going on between you two? That’s why you were so eager to shove me into Victoria’s guest room!”

Ruth laughed. “No, we’re just good friends; to be honest, she feels more like another big sister than anything else. That kiss happened years ago, and it was just about proving something – to Kate, to myself… Aaron actually did a pretty good job of covering for us when you got back,” she said, addressing me.

“Kate’s birthday party!” I said, remembering. “I knew _something_ was going on.”

“Yeah, that was me coming out.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Vic talking to Aaron’s parents and, from the body language, it didn’t look like a very cordial discussion. Not long after, I saw her hurrying outside. I checked the time on my phone, and saw that I’d soon need to leave. I said my farewells, collecting a brief hug from Kate, and a rather longer one from Max, before calling an Uber and heading outside. I found Vic sitting on the small lawn; it turned out that she’d confronted Aaron’s parents about the way they’d treated Kate, which I could respect. It hadn’t gone well, because they blame Kate for their son’s death. Vic seemed pretty upset, so I sat and talked to her for a while, until it was time to start the long trip back west.

* * *

I stayed in Philadelphia a couple of days past the funeral, but I needed to head back to New York on the Sunday for an event I’d been hired to photograph. I promised Kate that I’d be back to see her again soon, and Victoria promised to take care of her. Strangely enough – considering how the three of us first met – I can’t think of anyone I’d trust more to look after Kate.

Once I was back home, I started house-hunting again in earnest, but now with rather different search criteria. Time was getting short after my two weeks away; there weren’t many suitable places available on such short notice. I was starting to get seriously stressed, when I had a phone call from Dana’s housemate Ferdi, telling me that a unit had just become available in their building, and hadn’t even been listed yet. Given that it was virtually identical to the one Dana already lived in, I figured that she’d probably be okay with it. The superintendent was happy to avoid the hassle of actually putting the apartment on the market, so he was willing to push back the start of our tenancy agreement until the lease was up on my old place, saving me a couple of weeks’ rent.

Ferdi volunteered himself, and his fiancé Harry, to help with the move, for which I was very grateful. I also sent an email Sam, to confirm that I’d be terminating our old contract – their name was still on it. They replied, asking if they could help me with the move-out, so they could do a final check that they hadn’t left any of their stuff behind. After a few moments’ hesitation, I agreed. I was glad that I’d retained my friendships with Dana and Monica, and I hoped that eventually I’d be able to do that with Sam as well; it was still too soon to really think about doing that yet, but a brief meeting now might make it easier when the time came.

A couple of weekends later, I hired a U-Haul, and parked up outside my old apartment building. I saw Sam waiting for me, so I took a deep breath and got out to greet them. “Hi,” they said, a little uncertainly.

“Hi,” I said then, following my instinct, gave them a brief hug. “It’s good to see you again.” I was surprised to find that I actually meant it.

Sam smiled. “You too.” They eyed the van. “So, what have I let myself in for?”

I laughed. “Don’t worry, I have a couple of macho, macho men to help me out as well. I think Dana’s old roommate and his fiancé are eager to have her out.”

“So… you moving in with Dana?” Sam’s expression was hard to read.

“Yeah, we both needed a new place to live, and we can get a rather nicer apartment for our money if we share a two-bed than both get tiny one-room places. I just hope it doesn’t end up being awkward, what with our history.”

“Sorry, it’s really none of my business.” They looked a little relieved, nonetheless. Privately, I agreed with them, but for the sake of future friendship, I chose not to say anything. I wasn’t just hoping that things didn’t get awkward, I was hoping that they got downright cozy – but after what I did to Dana last time, I was going to leave it to her to make the first move. If all she wanted from me was friendship, then I’d be happy to settle for that.

A few moments later, Ferdi and Harry arrived, and we headed up to the apartment to start moving me out. With four of us, we made quick work of it in a relay system; taking in turns to stay with the van and the apartment, so there was no need to be constantly locking and unlocking things. I’d brought one of the last boxes down, and Sam was scanning the now mostly empty rooms for a couple of things they thought they might have left behind, when I saw another woman eyeing both me and the U-Haul.

“Are you Jules, by any chance?” I asked on a hunch.

“Yes, and you must be Max,” she replied, warily.

I smiled at her. “No need to worry, I don’t bite.”

“That’s not what Sam says,” she replied with a small smile. “Look, I’m sorry…”

“Please don’t,” I cut her off. “Let’s just leave the past in the past, where it belongs. I want to stay friends with Sam, and that means that I at least need to be friendly towards you as well. I think it’ll be easier for me to do that if I don’t know any of the details of your relationship, before or after they left me. Of course, if you ever hurt them, then…”

“Say no more.” Sam came out of the apartment building, and hurried over what they spotted us. “Don’t worry, sweetie,” Jules said, “Max was nothing but polite.”

“I appreciate that,” Sam told me. “And I can watch the van while you go help the boys grab the last few things.”

“If you’re sure, I wouldn’t want to keep you…”

“It’s fine,” said Jules, “I’m here a bit early.”

Ten minutes later, we said our goodbyes as Ferdi closed up the back of the van, and we headed off to my new home. Unloading took a little longer with only three of us, plus I had to return the van, but finally I could sprawl on a comfortable couch, in a room that held no memories of a failed relationship. I’d promised Ferdi and Harry dinner, but we were all exhausted and agreed to postpone it until after we’d moved Dana’s stuff the next day – a much easier job, as the two apartments were just a floor apart.

* * *

When the cab pulled up outside my old apartment building, I gave Jess one final kiss goodbye, then got out to retrieve my bags from the trunk. Someone picked up the first bag from the curb while I was grabbing the second, and I turned to see Max smiling at me. “Welcome home,” she said. I supposed that it – briefly – still was, until I’d moved my stuff to our new place. Max still hadn’t told me anything about that, despite me trusting her with the deposit and first month’s rent.

I was exhausted from the long flight and the unending work and travel of the past few months, so I was slow to realize that we’d got out of the elevator a floor early, and turned left rather than right. “Er… Max?” I began.

Grinning, she produced a key, and unlocked one of he apartment doors. “Like I said, welcome home!” The layout of the main room was familiar, although the décor was different. For starters, there was a ‘memorial wall’ of Polaroids, much like he one in Max’s dorm room at Blackwell. Instinctively, I went over to the door which would have led to my bedroom, only to find… my bedroom, looking almost exactly as I’d last seen it.

“Woah, déjà vu!”

Max laughed. “I may have spent a little too much time trying to recreate your room upstairs exactly.”

“It’s perfect,” I told Max, pulling her into a hug and barely resisting the urge to kiss her. “So this is why you were being so secretive.”

“Yeah, I kinda assumed that you’d be okay with this particular apartment. I hope you don’t mind that I snagged the bigger bedroom; it’s just that I do a bunch of editing and touch-up work from home, so I could really use a desk in there, and I figured that you can’t exactly practice dance in a bedroom, no matter how large.”

“That’s fine with me; it feels more like home this way. Even if it’s really a sneaky plot to make me do my exercises where you can watch.”

Max blushed a little, “I didn’t actually think of that, but now that you mention it… sounds like a nice perk.” We both laughed, and my fear that this arrangement might be awkward began to melt away.

For the next ten days or so, I mostly just relaxed at home, catching up on both sleep, and a bunch of shows on Netflix. Besides, it was _way_ too hot to spend much time outside. It was great to be spending so much time with Max again, tempered by the fact that I soon found myself wanting more. Sometimes I thought I saw her looking at me the same way, but it was always fleeting. I still feel responsible for the misunderstanding that stopped us getting back together four years ago, so I don’t feel like I have the right to make the first move this time – nor do I want to risk damaging our friendship if she doesn’t feel the same way.

The first time I went further afield than a nearby coffee shop was when we headed down to Philadelphia for Rachel’s birthday party. The birthday girl was happy to see Max, who’d been a frequent visitor since moving to New York; she was rather more reticent with me – understandable given that we’ve only met a few times. Hopefully I’ll have the chance to build up more of a relationship with her now that I’m planning to be home all year round. I’d like to spend more time with Kate and Vic, too. Both of them made subtle enquiries as to whether Max and I moving in together meant that we were getting back together romantically; I deflected them by pointing out that _they_ were essentially living together too…

In early August, Jess and I both got called in to audition for the dance project that Ferdi had mentioned. I was understandably nervous, given that all of my current plans rested on getting that job; true, touring had left me with savings enough to last for several months, but there was no telling when another opportunity like this would come along. It turned out to be a much more relaxed affair than I was expecting – just the two of us, and the lead choreographer for the show. She’d asked us to prep a couple of solo dances each, plus another couple together; half working from videos she’d sent us, half of our choice. After performing those, she gave us a series of improv exercises, asking us to put together routines to various different styles of music. She seemed to be at least as interested in our process as the finished product, which I hoped was a good sign.

“So, you two are exactly what we’re looking for. You’re both talented dancers, plus you have great chemistry together when dancing as a couple. Those improv choreography skills will come in handy, too; one thing we’re thinking of doing is having an audience member pick a song during the first half of the show, then in the second half we do a dance set to that song.”

“That sounds pretty cool,” I said, excited by the idea. I had to admit that doing the same show night after night on tour had gotten tedious after a while. I loved putting new routines together, and getting to do that every night – even if it was under time pressure – sounded like a lot of fun.

“Great, well, we’ll be starting rehearsals in September, so someone will be in touch before then to sort out contracts and the like. One other thing, and… this is just idle curiosity, but are you two actually a couple?”

Jess laughed. “No; we _have_ been lovers on and off for years, but we’ve never had what you might call a serious relationship.”

“I guess that’s what I picked up on. Anyway, welcome to the team, and I’ll see you next month.”

“So, how would you like to head home and… celebrate?” Jess asked as we left the dance studio.

“Tempting,” I told her, “but…”

“Max?”

“I wish. No, it’s just… if I want to move forward, then I need to stop falling back into old habits.”

“That’s fair; how about drinks instead? You can always give Max a call and see if she’d like to join us.”

“Now, that plan I can thoroughly get behind!”

* * *

Early in September, Victoria invited Dana and me down to Philly for Kate’s birthday. It was a quiet affair with just us four adults, plus Kate’s girls. We went down to the park near her house, where we ate a picnic and took it in turns to chase – or be chased by – an enthusiastic toddler. When Rachel got tired of that, Dana and Victoria took her over to the play equipment, leaving Kate and I alone to talk.

“How are things with you?” I asked.

“Okay; I’m looking forward to having these off next month,” she said, knocking on one of her casts. “Regardless of what awaits me when they do, I think I’m ready to face whatever comes next. Tori has been… amazing; I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few months without her – not just physically, but mentally too. After losing Aaron, and what happened to my legs, the docs said that I was at high risk of postpartum depression, but Tori got very good at spotting the signs of it and warding off attacks.”

“That’s quite the turnaround from the bad old days at Blackwell, isn’t it?”

“Yes, and it makes me very glad that I chose to forgive her all those years ago. Speaking of forgiveness, have you and Dana worked things out yet?”

“The only person I need to forgive is myself, and I’m not sure what it is we need to work out. Dana and I are as close as we ever were at Blackwell – but just as friends; neither of us has talked about wanting more, so I guess that she just isn’t interested.”

“Well, if you’re not dating Dana, then there’s a friend of mine who’s just moved up to New York, and I think the two of you would be perfect for each other. What do you think? Should I find out if she’s interested and set up a date? No pressure, and even if it doesn’t lead anywhere, it might shake Dana up and make her reconsider what she wants from you.”

“I’m not sure…”

“Oh, go on, please!” Kate shamelessly batted her eyelashes at me. “I’ve never tried my hand at matchmaking before.”

That was why, a couple of weeks later, I was wearing a touch of make-up, and even a _dress_. Kate had booked a table at some fancy restaurant under a made-up name, and told me to be there early so that my date would be able to find me. I took a seat at the bar, ordered a bottle of beer, and slowly sipped it. After a couple of minutes, someone sat down next to next to me. Whilst undeniably cute, she looked to be in her late teens, so I doubted she was my date; it seemed unlikely that Kate would set me up as a cradle snatcher. On second glance, she looked upset, so I chance asking, “are you okay?”

“Yes… no?” She sighed. “I finally worked up the nerve to ask out a girl I’ve been crushing on for over a year. She’s, like, the hottest girl in our school, so I couldn’t believe it when she said yes, but now I’ve messed it up and I’m going to look like an idiot.”

“What happened?”

“My big brother suggested this place, but he didn’t bother to mention that it’s almost impossible to get a table without a reservation.” I winced. “I’ve never been on a date before; how was I supposed to know that? The maître d’ said he’d do what he can, but…”

“My first girlfriend and I learned that one the hard way too, just after we moved here from a small town where nowhere was so busy that you couldn’t get a seat in a few minutes at worst.”

“I guess you remembered to book a table tonight, then.”

“Actually, the friend who set me up on a blind date took care of that, but I’ll do you a deal: if my date stands me up, then you can have our table.”

She looked over my shoulder. “Thanks, but I think she might be here now – assuming that your friend has really great taste in women.” I turned, and my jaw dropped.

* * *

It was the end of our first week of rehearsals; I was exhausted, and wondering why I’d let Vic talk me into this. I was toweling off as Jess came out of the showers. “So, fancy coming out for a drink with some of the gang?” she asked me.

“Sorry, but I have other plans tonight.” I pulled my garment bag out of the locker, and Jess whistled when she saw the dress that was inside.

“Hot date? Did Max finally come to her senses?”

“Unfortunately not,” I told her as I slipped into my underwear. “Vic set me up with some photographer who had a show in her gallery or something.”

“Well, you should have fun anyway,” she told me, with a big wink to make it clear what sort of ‘fun’ she was referring to.

I rolled my eyes. “I only agreed to this because Vic suggested it might make Max jealous, not because I’m desperate to get laid.”

“Well, how jealous is she going to be of someone who can’t even send you home with a smile on your face?”

I wasn’t going to rise to the bait. “I guess we’ll see. Zip me up, would you?”

Half an hour later, I arrived at the restaurant Vic had booked. The maître d’ told me that my dining companion had already arrived, and pointed me to where two young women were sitting at the bar. One of them looked to be under twenty, so I supposed that the other was my date. She was facing away from me, but still looked oddly familiar; if it weren’t for the fact that she was wearing a dress, I might have guessed that it was Max.

Then, she turned around, and I gaped. It _was_ Max, and she looked _fantastic_ – and as surprised as I was. After a moment, I regained my composure, and walked up to her. “Do you by any chance like Piña Coladas, and getting caught in the rain?”

Max grinned. “I do, and I also like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. I can’t believe that Kate set us up like this; it’s a little devious for her.”

“Well, Vic was in on it too; she’s the one who called me. I think they may be sending us a message.”

Max bit her lower lip. “I guess that means I’m not the only one who confessed to hoping we would get back together.” There was a pleading look in her eyes.

I smiled. “No, you most certainly aren’t.” I’m not sure which of us moved first, but suddenly Max was in my arms, and we were kissing. A wolf-whistle separated us, and I pulled back to see the girl Max had been talking to smirking at us. “I don’t know about you,” I told Max, “but suddenly I’m not feeling hungry any more.”

“Oh, I’m hungry alright – just not for anything I can eat in public.” I blinked; this was a rather more blatant Max than I remembered. She turned to the other girl, who had gone a little bit pink. “It’s your lucky day; looks like a table is going to be unexpectedly opening up.”

“Thank-you!” she said with feeling before her eyes slid away. I turned to follow her gaze, and saw an absolutely stunning young woman coming towards her, smiling.

“You’re welcome – and good luck,” Max told her, before pulling me towards the exit. She briefly conferred with the maître d’, slipping him a bill and asking for our table to be given to her new friend – without any mention that she hadn’t booked it.

A couple of minutes later we were in a cab, which felt like it was moving at a glacial pace for the entire trip home. Only the fact that Max had my hand clutched tightly in hers kept it from finding other parts of her to touch. We stumbled inside, and my fingers were searching for the fastening on her dress the moment our front door closed, but Max gently pushed me back.

“Wait… before we go any further, I need to know that you’re all in. I don’t think I could take another heartbreak.” She looked at me with an achingly vulnerable expression.

I took her hands gently in mine. “Maxine Caulfield, I solemnly swear that there is _nothing_ I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you every morning, and kiss you goodnight every evening. I want to share with you all they joys – and sorrows – that life brings us. I’m in love with you, and I never want to be separated from you again.”

“Wowsers,” said Max. “That almost sounded like a marriage proposal.” She pulled me into a kiss. “And, just so you know, if it had been, my answer would have been ‘yes’.”

I returned the kiss, feeling my passion rising. “Bed?”

“Oh, hell yes!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up will be the final chapter of _Fallin’ to Pieces_ ; that’s almost certainly going to be on the longer side, so I probably won’t have it finished for at least a couple of weeks.


	14. It’s Still Worth Fighting For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. When I started this story around a year ago, it was supposed to be a short-ish exploration of a new ship; I certainly didn't expect to end up with a couple of novel-length fics. I'm just glad I made it to the finish line!

I slowly came out of sleep, still clinging to the last vestiges of a dream that I spent the night making love to Dana, so it took a moment for me to register that there was a naked woman wrapped around me. When I tried to turn, Dana grumbled incoherently into the back of my neck, and I realized that it hadn’t been a dream at all. The memories came flooding back to me; the ‘blind’ date, seeing Dana come into the restaurant, ditching our date to rush home, her almost-proposal, falling into bed together, and trying to make up for years of lost time…

I suppose I must have dozed off again, because the next thing I knew, I was lying on my back with Dana looking down at me, gently running a hand through my hair. When I opened my eyes, she smiled, then bent down to kiss me, neither of us caring about morning breath. It felt good. It felt _right_.

“I meant what I said last night,” Dana said, softly.

“Me too,” I replied. “So… what happens next?”

“Well, it’s the weekend, so I’m wanting to say that we don’t leave this bed for the next couple of days, but taking last night off means I’m doing both shows today. We should probably have a proper talk tomorrow, figure out what we want from our future; whatever we decide, though, there’s no need for us to rush things.”

“Sounds good. So… we still have a couple of hours before you need to get up, right?” Dana’s lips found mine again as my hand slid down her body.

* * *

At around one, I sat down to a hastily arranged lunch with Sam. It had been more than six months since our break-up, and we were well on the way to becoming good friends again. “So, why the urgent need to talk?” they asked.

“I slept with Dana last night,” I blurted out. Real smooth, Caulfield.

Surprise registered on Sam’s face, then a slow smile spread across their features. “Are you getting back together?”

“I really hope so. She seems to want it too.”

“It’s about time. I’m so happy for you.”

“You are?”

“Of course! Whatever may have happened between us, I still care about you, and I want you to be happy. I’ve always known that you were still carrying a torch for Dana, even when we together.” I started to protest, but they held up a hand to silence me. “Oh, you hid it well, and you certainly never gave me cause to think you’d act on it, even after we moved to the same city as her, even after…”

“Even after what?” I prompted them.

“Even after I started to develop feeling for Jules, and I practically threw you at Dana. There was a nasty little part of me that _wanted_ you to go for it, to give me an easy out so _I_ wouldn’t have to be the one who broke us apart. When you didn’t, that made me step back from Jules for a while, try to focus on us, but… well, as we both know, that didn’t work out too well.”

“I guess that neither of us could fight True Love in the end, even if we tried for a while. And, hey, now you don’t need to feel so guilty about how things ended between us.”

Sam gave me a weak smile. “Well, there’s that. I’m more interested in when my wedding invitation is going to arrive.”

I laughed. “Well, one of us will need to propose first…”

* * *

It wasn’t until after the matinée that Jess found the opportunity to drag me into a quiet corner. “So, how was your date? Was it love at first sight, or did she bore you to death over dinner in that fancy restaurant you went to? Was it even a ‘she’?”

“It was a ‘she’, and actually, we skipped dinner and went straight to bed.”

“Um, I thought you said it was a _blind_ date, and I’ve never known you to move _that_ fast…”

“Yeah, about that, it turns out that Kate and Vic have been playing a sneaky little game, and the whole thing was a set-up.”

“Wait… you slept with _Max_?” I nodded. “And you’re getting back together?” I nodded again, not able to keep the big soppy grin off my face a moment longer. Jess threw her arms around me and hugged me tight. “Well, thank fuck. I was starting to worry that you two idiots were never going to figure it out, and I was going to have to beat some sense into you.”

I couldn’t help laughing at that. “It’s good to know that so many people are so deeply invested in our love life.”

“So… just how smug was Vic when you told her?”

“Told her? Oh, we haven’t told her yet. We made a pact this morning to ignore that couple of miscreants for at least a day or two, make ’em what to find out what happened. They aren’t the only ones who can be devious.”

Jess laughed. “Well, I supposed that well-intentioned, successful meddling is still meddling, and should be punished accordingly.”

“Exactly.”

“Regardless, I’m happy for you, and I really hope it works out this time.”

“Me too; we’re going to have The Talk tomorrow, and then… I guess we’ll see.”

* * *

As it turned out, it was well into Sunday afternoon before we’d exhausted each other enough that talking about our future finally won out over yet more sex; I decided to start the ball rolling. “So, I meant what I said on Friday night. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but if I can’t… then this needs to end as quickly as it started. If there are any non-negotiables, then we need to know now, before we get too invested. We need to be on the same page about monogamy, marriage, children, big stuff like that.”

Max looked at me thoughtfully; restraining her usual habit of jumping right in, to give me a considered response. “Honestly, I’m already ‘too invested’; Sam straight up told me yesterday that they knew I’d been carrying a torch for you throughout our entire relationship. I’ve lost you twice, and I can’t bear the thought of losing you a third time. As for your list, I’m a big fan of monogamy; if that was a deal-breaker for you then _maybe_ I’d be prepared to talk, but I hope I know you well enough to be sure that it isn’t.”

I smiled and nodded. “You do indeed know me well.”

“Marriage, sure, I’d like to – if that’s something we both decide we want, but if you have strong feelings either way, I’m happy to go with you.”

“I’d like to as well, but we don’t need to rush into it; we can talk details in a few months.”

“As for children… I think that might be a deal-breaker for me. I used to be ambivalent about them, but after spending so much time with Rachel and Erin, I really want some kids of my own.”

“Bio-kids, or adopted?” I asked

“I’d be perfectly happy with adopted, to be honest. If you wanted biological children, then I would totally support that, though. And if you don’t, and we have trouble with adopting, I’d be willing to consider carrying them myself.”

“I know what you mean about Kate’s girls, and I’m totally up for adopting a child or two.”

“Oh, good,” Max said, letting out a sigh of relief. “I can’t really think of anything else that I wouldn’t be willing to compromise on.”

“No, me neither.”

“So, we’re really going to do this?” Max was grinning.

“Totally.” I suspect I was grinning too. “I guess that means we should call Kate and Vic now.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop messing with them.” Max picked up her phone and placed a video call to Kate; she answered almost immediately.

“Hey, are you okay? We were starting to get quite worried about you.”

“We’re fine, it’s just that neither of us felt much like talking to you two after that stunt you pulled.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t very convincing; Max isn’t much of an actor. Even so, Kate either didn’t see through her, or decided to play along.

“I’m sorry, we were just trying to help…”

Vic’s face appeared into the frame. “It didn’t stop you having a fancy meal at my expense, though, did I it?”

“Er… what?” I asked her. She sighed

“Let me guess; you both thought the other had picked up the check, and didn’t realize that I’d arranged to have them bill me? Typical!”

“As it happens, Max gave our table away to some teenage girl she met at the bar; apparently she’d finally worked up the nerve to ask out the prom queen, but didn’t know you actually need to make a reservation at places like that…”

There was a moment’s silence and then, one after another, we all started to laugh.

“So, let me get this straight,” said Vic, “you were so mad at us for setting you up that you decided to ditch the whole thing?”

“Or maybe,” Kate said with a smirk, “they were so overcome with lust that they couldn’t wait a moment longer to get each other into bed.”

Vic obviously saw something in our expressions. “Oh my god, you did, didn’t you? You’ve been messing with _us!_ ”

“Guilty as charged,” I told her with a grin.

“And…?” Kate prompted us, “are you getting back together?”

We shared a look. “You can expect your wedding invites some time next year,” said Max.

Kate’s eyes widened. “You mean you…?”

“No, not yet,” I said, deciding they’d been teased enough, “but we did have a serious talk about our future, and that sort of timeline doesn’t sound implausible.”

“Well, good. I’m really happy for you two.”

“As am I,” said Vic in an uncharacteristically soft voice. “It was about time you two figured out what the rest of us already knew.”

* * *

In early November, we had a wedding to attend. Ferdi and Harry wanted a low-key affair, with just a few close friends and immediate family. They were working on a minimal budget, but it was still a lovely ceremony, and there was a great party afterwards. Ferdi’s been such a good friend to me over the years, and it felt really good to see him so happy. I was, perhaps, a little jealous that both grooms had proud parents with them; I’m pretty sure that’s not something I’ll get at my wedding.

A few days later, Max got a call from Vic. Apparently Aaron’s parents had decided to sue for custody of Rachel and Erin. I was beside myself with rage; I found it hard to believe that anyone would stoop so low. I couldn’t imagine what Kate must be going though, and immediately agreed to Vic’s request that Max and I ditch our ‘home alone’ Thanksgiving plans to spend the holiday with them.

* * *

We got into Philadelphia late on Wednesday evening, and spent the night at Victoria’s apartment. When we arrived at Kate’s house the following morning she was surprised, but tearfully delighted to see Dana and me, pulling both of us into fierce hugs. It was good to see her up and about, even if it was on crutches, and only for short distances. Dana I alternated between playing with Kate and the girls, and helping out Victoria in the Kitchen. It was only after we’d eaten, cleared everything away, and even Rachel had decided that she might need a nap, that I finally got some time to talk alone with Kate.

“So, how are you doing?”

“I’m terrified,” she said frankly. “No matter how much Tori and the lawyer reassure me, I can’t shake the fear that Rachel and Erin are going to be taken away from me. I’ve been having nightmares where black-suited government agents show up at my door to collect them, or ambush us in the mall. Once they even took them she we were at Disneyland.” She shook her head. “I’ve never even _been_ to Disneyland.”

“You will,” I promised her. “In a few years, when Erin’s old enough to appreciate it, we’ll all go. You and Victoria, Rachel and Erin, Dana and me, and hopefully a couple of kids of our own.”

That distracted Kate for a moment; her face brightening. “You’re planning on having children?”

I nodded. “We talked about it, and both of us want to adopt. We’re going to take a few months to settle in together, make sure we really do work as a couple, and then… marriage and babies. Well, maybe not babies, it may well end up being slightly older kids; I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.”

“I’m happy for you, and I hope that it all works out the way you hope.”

“Me too,” I told her. “Look, I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t worry about that custody suit, because in your position I’d be scared shitless. Just remember that you have Victoria on your side, and whatever my feelings about her, I know that she will fight this all the way to the fucking Supreme Court if that’s what it takes to make sure that you keep your children. It’s not going to come to that, though, because any judge who looks at this case is going to see two happy, healthy children and decide that there’s absolutely no reason to take them away from you.”

Kate gave me a weak smile. “Intellectually, I know that, but emotionally… I’m not going to stop worrying until all this is over.”

* * *

We got the good news from Kate about half way through December; Rachel and Erin would be staying exactly where they belonged. A little over a week later, we flew to Seattle, where we’d be spending Christmas with my parents. Dana had met them before, but that was back when we were separated; she was a little bit nervous about being formally introduced as my girlfriend. Dad picked us up from SeaTac and, as I expected, welcomed Dana as if she was already a member of the family. When we got home, Mom was the same.

It was the first time I’d spent Christmas with my parents since Sam and I moved to New York, and I’d missed it. It was also my first Christmas with Dana, and I was hoping that I’d never have another one without her. Mom dragged us both into the kitchen to help out, and if there was a little bit of an inquisition while we cooked, it was a gentle one. My parents have never been anything other than supportive of my relationships; even during the debacle with Penny, they expressed their concerns but never tried to pressure me into doing anything about it.

The next day, we drove down to Portland to visit Dana’s family. This, we were both a lot more nervous about; her sister Dot had started college in the Fall, so she was finally ready to come out to her parents. If, as she expected, it didn’t go well, at least they were no longer in a position to completely block her from seeing Dot. The moment the front door opened, Dana was enveloped in a hug from her sister. Their parents were more reserved, and looked askance at me; I wasn’t sure whether they recognized me from a brief visit seven years previously, but I could tell they were wondering why Dana had brought a friend with her.

“Hi Mom, Hi Dad,” Dana said after Dot finally let her go. “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend, Max.”

Her father’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, ‘girlfriend’?” he asked sharply.

“I mean we’re in love,” Dana said, in a firm voice.

“Are you telling us that you’re a… a _lesbian?_ ” her mother asked, hesitant at first, but that final word loaded with disdain.

“Actually, I’m bisexual.”

“In that case, why couldn’t you just choose a man?”

“I have dated men in the past, but we don’t really choose who we fall in love with.” Dana turned to smile at me, and put an arm around my waist.

Her father flinched. “Was this… person your ‘girlfriend’ the last time she visited us?”

“No, we were just friends back then; we’ve only been together for a few months. I do have _some_ respect for the boundaries you set.”

“Clearly not enough,” he said. “As long as you continue with this foolishness, you are not welcome in this house. You should go now, and don’t come back unless you’re bringing a _boy_ friend with you.”

“Please, Dana,” her mother said, “why force yourself to suffer all that prejudice?”

“Prejudice like yours?” I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t going to let her get away with that. She ignored me.

“I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy, mother. I have plenty of friends who accept me the way I am.”

“Well, I’m afraid that we can’t do that; I think you should leave now,” her father repeated, “before you corrupt your sister.”

“Oh, please!” said Dot, rolling her eyes. “Bisexuality isn’t infectious; I’ve known about Dana for years, and I’m still as straight as you are.”

“She told you?” He sounds outraged.

Dot shook her head. “She didn’t have to, I figured it out on my own, because I’m not as blinkered as you are.” She pushed between Dana and me, turning us around and linking arms with us. “C’mon you two, I know a place where we can hang out for a few hours.” We let her lead us away, and didn’t look back.

* * *

I had big plans for Valentine’s Day. Of course, when I broached the subject with Dana, it turned out she did too. We both got stubborn about being the one to organize and ended up compromising by having a quiet night in and making ourselves a special dinner. That actually turned out for the best, as apparently cooking a meal together can be hella romantic, feeding each other little bits of chopped vegetables, and tastes of sauces. Only the threat of things burning – and all our hard work going to waste – kept us from decamping straight to the bedroom.

As I put down my dessert fork and looked at Dana across the candlelit table, I was overwhelmed by how much I loved her, and absolutely certain that I was doing the right thing. I reached for my pocket, and began, “Dana, I…”

“So, Max…” she said, at the exact same moment.

“Sorry, you go first…”

“No, you…”

 _Ah, fuck it_ , I thought, then reached into my pocket, pulled out the box, and set it on the table in front of me. When I looked back at Dana, I froze. She was holding an almost identical box. For a few moments, we just sat there; me staring at her box, she at mine.

“I guess it’s true what they say about great minds thinking alike,” I said at last.

“I guess so,” said Dana with a crooked grin. “On three?” I nodded. “One, two, three…”

“Will you marry me?” we asked in unison.

* * *

We went down to Philadelphia for a long weekend both to celebrate Kate and Vic getting a new place together, and for Erin’s much-delayed baptism. Their house is, well, huge: six bedrooms! I guess it makes sense, though; as Kate and Vic aren’t technically a couple, they have separate rooms, the girls each need a room, and I can see the benefit in having a couple of guest rooms, so that Kate’s sister and her girlfriend could stay over as well as us. What with Vic being well on the way to becoming a successful businesswoman, and Kate now on the way to becoming a successful author, I guess they can afford it.

It’s been interesting to watch our friends’ dynamic change over the years; from outright enemies to grudging acquaintances, to best friends, to… whatever they are now. Kate made it clear that she’s not suddenly turned gay, so it’s not a romantic thing, and I of all people should know that Vic isn’t interested in _any_ sexual relationship. Max called them queerplatonic life partners, which sounds about right to me; they _are_ functionally a couple – they’re raising children together, for crying out loud! Mostly I’m just happy that the two of them are in such a good place; if they don’t feel the need to put a label on it, then I’m certainly not going to press for one.

* * *

When we showed off our rings to Kate and Vic, they immediately asked if we’d set a date. As soon as we got home, we decided that we needed to do just that. We’d already been thinking about the autumn; it’s both of our favorite time of year, plus it was probably too late to plan a summer wedding without pushing it back a year – something that neither of us wanted to do. After a couple of weeks’ intensive searching, we found an old deconsecrated church where we could have a non-religious ceremony, and a nearby hotel that could host the reception and evening party. That done, we fired off ‘save the date’ emails to the close family and friends we _knew_ we’d be inviting, and started planning in earnest.

The first question we needed to answer was how to structure the ceremony with two brides and no groom. Do we process up the aisle together? One after the other? Something else? Then, Max had a suggestion, “why _don’t_ we just do it like a straight wedding? I think we both know that your parents aren’t going to come, so you won’t have a father of the bride to walk you up the aisle; why not avoid drawing attention to that by waiting for me at the altar like a groom would?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I rather like the sound of that, having you come to me. I can even have a best man; I’m sure Ferdi would love the job – as long as you don’t mind me having an ex in the wedding party.”

Max shook her head. “I’d actually quite like to have Sam and Monica as my bridespeople – and Kate as my Matron of Honor.”

“Two exes? In that case I’d better ask Jess to be a bridesmaid to even things up! Dot too, of course – I rememberer you mentioning something about her wanting the job the first time the two of you met.”

“Anyone else?”

“I think that’s probably enough… unless Rachel would like to be a flower girl.”

Max smiled. “I’m sure she’d love to.”

* * *

Wedding plans aren’t the only ones we’ve set in motion; we also talked to an adoption agency. Obviously we don’t want to adopt right now, but we waned to start the process of getting approved, so that once we _are_ ready, we’ll be that much further along. Reading between the lines of what we were told, the fact that we’re both women isn’t going to help, although it’s far from the total roadblock it used to be. Getting married will certainly help our case, though, and we won’t be seriously looking until next year, at least a few months after the wedding.

We talked some about what ages we’d be looking at – if we were set on adopting a baby, then the wait would be much longer than if we were willing to take on an older child, or even a sibling group. There’s a part of me that would really like a baby, but I can also see the merits of, as Max said, “skipping the entire diaper phase”. This is a big step for both of us, but it feels right. I want it, Max wants it, and we have a couple of good friends to turn to for parenting advice.

* * *

We headed back down to Kate’s this weekend for a low-key birthday party for Erin. It was a bittersweet affair because, of course, it coincides with the anniversary of Aaron’s death. Kate and Victoria had marked _that_ earlier in the week, but there was still a deep undercurrent of sadness running through Kate. Rachel and Erin, naturally, are far too young to pick up on it, and were delighted to see us. We spent a lot of the day sitting on the floor, playing with them.

“I love spending time with your girls,” I told Kate once we got a few minutes to ourselves.

She smiled at me. “I remember you said that you and Dana were planning on having some of your own after the wedding.”

“Yes; actually, we talked to an adoption agency just last week, so I’m hoping that some time next year we’ll have children too.”

“That’s great!” Kate said enthusiastically, “I’m so happy for you. And… speaking of adoption, I asked Tori to adopt Rachel and Erin.”

I looked at her in surprise. “Wow.”

“I want them to have two parents and, frankly, Tori has been filling that role for the past year.”

“So you’re really not looking to re-marry?”

“It’s only been a year, Max,” Kate said, a little sharply. Her face softened. “But, no. Aaron was my soulmate; I couldn’t replace him even if I wanted to. For now, I just want to focus on my children and my career.” She shrugged. “Maybe once the kids have left home, I’ll change my mind.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… I just want you to be happy.”

“And I am, more or less. I mean, I still get crying jags when I think about Aaron, but It’s got to the point where sometimes I can go a whole day without that happening. I still have Rachel and Erin, and there’s no end to the joy they bring me. And… Tori has done a pretty good job of filling some of the hole that Aaron left behind.”

I digested that last statement for a moment. “She’s not…?” I left the question dangling, not even sure what I was trying to ask.

“No, Tori hasn’t done anything untoward. I know how she feels about me, and I know she would never to anything to hurt me, or even really make me uncomfortable. I trust her enough to make her the other mother of my children; that should tell you all you need to know.”

I nodded slowly. “How’s your faith coping?”

Kate looked at me, slightly surprised by the question. “Still a little shaken. My mother tried to tell me that Aaron’s death was all part of God’s plan, but that’s just bullshirt. What plan could He possibly have for Aaron that would justify depriving two young children of their father? That’s not the act of a loving God. Of course the alternative is that He simply didn’t care enough to stop the accident. Ultimately, I believe that God gave us free will, and that means not interfering when people make bad decisions, even when they end up hurting innocent people.”

I looked at her thoughtfully. “Perhaps God _did_ interfere, just a little, and that’s why Erin escaped completely unscathed, and why she still has her mother.”

Kate smiled. “Maybe; it’s thoughts like that which helped me hold onto my faith those first few months, even if it’s no longer as strong as it was.” She sat back for a moment. “Part of me wishes it had never been so strong; that’s what led me to the abstinence pledge. It was supposed to be a good trade; a few years of holding back, then forty, fifty, even sixty years of wedded bliss. Problem is, I didn’t even get four years, which makes the two I gave up seem like a bad deal.”

I blinked; Kate had rarely alluded to her sex life. “Look on the bright side; if it wasn’t for that pledge, you might have lost your virginity to… whats-his-name. Jacob.”

That surprised a laugh out of Kate. “I suppose you’re right. I shouldn’t be wishing that I could change my past; there’s no telling how it would turn out – as you well know.”

* * *

For some reason, my engagement to Dana renewed my interest in helping Victoria out with her project to open a New York branch of her photography business. Probably it’s the lure of a regular paycheck now that there’s the hope of a family to support in my future. I gave Qadira – Victoria’s second-in-command – a quick call to check the status of the project. She assured me that no real progress had been made while Victoria’s priorities had understandably been elsewhere, and sent me an email with the details of the kind of property they were looking for.

It took a few weeks of searching, and much sending back and forth of building blueprints before I found the right place. At that point, things kicked into high gear as Qadira put me in touch with the various contractors who’d be doing the renovations and fit-out, and whose work I’d be supervising. Victoria herself came up for a few days to sign paperwork and have final meetings. She surprised me by accepting an invitation to stay with Dana and me rather than getting a hotel room; I suppose that six-plus months of sleeping on Kate’s couch had made her a bit less particular about where she stayed.

The other job I had was putting together an initial show for the gallery space. Victoria wanted it to feature work from several photographers; if their work sold well, maybe they could get individual showings at a later date. My first call was to set up a lunch with my old mentor, Michelle; we met a couple of days later in the same café we went to went I first moved back to New York. She was pleased to find me following through on the promise I made back then, and said she’d love to contribute to the show. She also gave me few more names to add to the surprisingly long list of contacts I’d built up over the past few years.

–

A conversation I had with Victoria when she was here has really stuck with me. It was when I took her to see Dana’s dance show, just after we’d watched her routine with Jess. Victoria asked if I got jealous, watching them like that. I told her that I did – although not because of any worry about something happening between them again, but because I really wished that I could dance like that with Dana. Victoria brought it up over a late drink after the show, and Dana gave me a look. “I’d be happy to teach you if you’re willing to put in the hours.”

I stewed on that for a few days; I’m not stupid, I knew it would be an incredible amount of work. There was also the question of where we would actually perform the dance; it’s not like I could do a one-night-only guest spot in Dana’s show, and if I was going to go to all that effort, I wanted it to be for _something_. Finally it came to me: I had a captive audience waiting for me in a few months’ time, and we needed to do a first dance…

When I suggested that to Dana, she immediately agreed to the plan and expanded on it. “How about this: we do the final routine from _Dirty Dancing_. It’s only, like, the most famous dance scene in cinematic history, so most people are going to immediately catch on to what we’re doing.” Dana had watched that movie _a lot_ while she was growing up – it was the reason why she’d wanted to become a dancer – so it would mean a lot to her, too.

“As long as I get to be Jennifer Grey; you’re definitely going to need to be the Patrick Swayze in this dance partnership. Oh, and how about we have the music live as well? We have a Matron of Honor and a Best Man who are both phenomenal singers.”

“That would be awesome,” Dana agreed. “We should probably start your training right away, though. We’ll want to practice a few times a week until you’ve got the routine cold. I’m sure I can scrounge the use of one of the rehearsal rooms at the theatre, and I can rope in Jess to help train you.”

I nodded. “Can we keep this on a need-to-know basis, though? I want it to be a surprise for most of the guests – and to minimize my embarrassment if it turns out I simply can’t do it.”

“You’ll be great, I promise.” Dana kissed me. “I love you so much.”

* * *

There was a rather glitzy party for the opening of Vic’s new photography place. I’m _so_ proud of all the hard work Max had been doing to get it set up, and it was great to see her accepting – however grudgingly – the plaudits for it. I was impressed by how well she was hiding the nervousness I _knew_ she was feeling as she talked to the reporters. I’m not sure whether the fact that the first one to corner her was Jules made it easier or harder, though.

Kate was there as well, and I had a feeling that she would have been on Vic’s arm if that were possible in a wheelchair; later in the evening I overheard Jules talking to her about her books, and their ‘unconventional relationship’. We were all rather merry by the time we finally did leave; Vic, it turned out, had been determined not to fall for the gallery-opening cliché of cheap booze, and we’d partaken heavily of her Champagne. The cool night air revived us a little on the short walk to their hotel – where Ferdi and Harry had generously volunteered to babysit Rachel and Erin – and even more so as we walked with _them_ back to our apartment building.

It’s been nine years since we all left Blackwell, even if it doesn’t seem that long, and it’s good to see how far we’ve come. Adulting is hard, but it looks like we might be getting the hang of it.

* * *

Vic’s reaction every single time Rachel calls her ‘Mama’ is a truly heartwarming thing to behold, like she can’t believe how lucky she is. When I mentioned it to Kate, she agreed, and there was something in her expression that made me wonder again just how deep her feelings for Vic go. We were visiting them to celebrate Rachel’s birthday; their first big fancy occasion where Vic is officially part of he family. Ruth was, of course, delighted about that, teasing Vic they that the adoption made them ‘sisters-in-law’; Vic even seemed happy to accept the label. I do wonder how Kate’s parents are going to take it – have taken it? I’m not really sure how to broach the subject.

What with Kate being Max’s Matron of Honor, we spent a fair bit of time on wedding talk. Now that Max was starting to get the hang of things in our rehearsals, we’d decided to let Kate in on our little dance surprise, and her role in it. She was eager to take part, and more than happy to keep it secret from her partner; I guess it appealed to her sly sense of humor. We also formally asked Rachel if she’d like to be our flower girl, and once we’d explained everything to her, she eagerly agreed. Then, she proceeded to ask Kate and Vic when _they_ were getting married. Out of the mouths of babes and innocents…

* * *

Our wedding was on a Sunday in October, chosen because it’s the only day of the week when none of my friends from the dance show would be performing, and because it was almost exactly ten years after Max and I started down the road that led us here. As predicted, Dot was the only member of my family in attendance, but that was alright; she looked beautiful in the bridesmaid’s dress that Vic had helped us pick out. Jess did, too, and I was sure that Kate and Monica would as well. I’d decided that if I was going to take the place of the groom, I should play the role properly, so I was wearing a sharply-tailored midnight blue pantsuit. Ferdi was dressed to match me, as would be Sam, who’d chosen to differentiate themself from the brides _maid_ s.

Max made her entrance to the strains of the fanfare featured in the final scene of _Star Wars_. I was half expecting her to be in a copy of the outfit that Princess Leia wore, but in the end she’d picked an elegant ivory dress that, in practical Max fashion, she could get away with wearing to other formal events. That’s not to say that she didn’t look abso-fucking-lutely gorgeous, though; I couldn’t take my eyes off her as she walked slowly up the aisle towards me. When she finally took my hand, the glorious smile on her face reflected my own.

* * *

I had my fair share of wedding-day nerves. Of course, they didn’t stop jangling after the service, or even after the reception. They were still going strong when I walked out onto the stage in the ballroom and waited for my wife – my _wife!_ – to join me. All those weeks of practice came down to the next few minutes; either I was going to have the time of my life, or I was going to horribly embarrass myself in front of my family and friends. I wondered – yet again – why I’d decided to do this, but when Ferdi started to sing, I knew it was too late to back out.

As Dana walked towards me and we began to dance, muscle memory took over. To my surprise, I relaxed, and found that I was already enjoying myself; every second without a mistake built my confidence. When Dana jumped down to do her solo routine, the nerves started to come back, but I pushed them aside. I could be proud of what I did; no one there was going to judge me if I didn’t manage to do the lift – even in the movie, Baby flubbed it the first time. My eyes met Dana’s as her friends lifted me down; she smiled, and gave me an encouraging nod. I ran towards her, and jumped.

When Dana’s hands found my hips, I knew that I’d got it right. She lifted me high, and suddenly it seemed like the entire world was cheering and applauding for us. It was the most incredible feeling, and I didn’t want it to end, but eventually Dana lowered me down and pulled me close, bringing our spotlight dance to a close. Around us, guests were coming onto the dance floor, but I only had eyes for my wife. “I love you so much,” I told her.

“I love you too. Dance with me?”

“I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.” That wasn’t strictly true; there was something else I very much wanted to do to her, but it was a little too early to skip out on our own party. We managed to hold out until around eleven o’clock, at which point we decided to avoid any protracted, if well-meaning ‘goodnights’ with all our friends, snuck out of opposite sides of the ballroom so as not to attract attention, and made our separate ways up to the bridal suite – to which we’d been ‘mysteriously’ upgraded; I suspected that was Victoria’s doing.

The moment the door closed, we had our hands all over each other. Neither of us was by any stretch of the imagination a blushing virgin, but somehow, right then, I felt the same nervous excitement as our very first time together. “Ready to go to bed, Mrs. Ward?” I asked breathlessly when we separated.

“Yes indeed, Mrs. Caulfield,” Dana replied, pulling me towards the bedroom.

* * *

Adopting as a gay couple isn’t exactly easy; although the laws may have changed, there’s still plenty of discrimination, both covert and overt. But, as neither of us was desperate to have bio-kids, we felt pretty strongly that giving a forever home to a couple of children who might otherwise be stuck in the foster system was the right thing to do. It quickly became clear that the few babies and toddlers up for adoption all ended up with the straight couples, so we’d accepted that if we _did_ get approved, it would be for an older child or sibling group.

That’s why, a year or so after starting the process, it was a pair of sisters we were going to meet. Apparently things had seriously broken down between their foster parents, so the agency was looking to find them a home urgently, and we had the opportunity to foster them with a view to adoption if our final approvals went through. All we knew is that they were aged two and five, and while I was sad that we’d miss out on those early years, it did mean that they’d be of an age with their (hopefully) future cousins Rachel and Erin.

We met the woman from the agency outside an apartment building; she led us upstairs and knocked on one of the doors. After a few moments, a harassed looking woman opened it, a crying toddler with curly red hair balanced on her hip. “Finally,” she said, before thrusting the child at Dana. “This is Emma. I’ll go and find the other little monster.”

Hesitantly, Dana took the girl into her arms, rocking her gently and cooing at her. Emma slowly calmed down – possibly due to surprise as much as anything else – and took a peek up at her. “Hello,” Dana told her, “I’m Dana, and this,” she turned so that Emma could see me, “is Max. We’re going to be looking after you for a while.” Emma stared at me for a moment, then reached up to pull at one of Dana’s earrings. “Ow!” she said, gently prying it out of the child’s hand.

“I did warn you,” I told her, smiling, as we were led into the apartment.

“Yeah, yeah, no dangly earrings for a few years.” She looked down at Emma, and I could already see a bond forming between them. “I have a feeling you’re going to be worth it,” she added softly.

A few moments later, I heard the sound of running footsteps, and a small blonde girl burst into the room. It looked like she’d been interrupted in the middle of creating some masterpiece, because there were splotches of red, green and yellow paint all over her top, and a streak of blue in her hair. She regarded us for a few moments, a mischievous smile on her face, then strode confidently up to me.

“Hi, I’m Chloe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recommended reading order: [Chapter Four](/works/14307216/chapters/37531025) of _Missing Pieces_.
> 
> If you made it this far, then thanks for reading! This isn't completely the end for these characters, I'll be posting some snapshots of their later lives in [Missing Pieces](/works/14307216), and if you haven't read it already, [Fallin’ to Pieces](/works/13286709) (a parallel story told through the medium of Victoria's journals) is also complete. If you have any unresolved questions, missing scenes, etc that you’d like to see in chapters of _Missing Pieces_ , then drop me a comment. I already have several epilogues planned, stretching 30+ years further into the future.


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